United Wrestling Coalition 99-00

More Pictures of UWC Superstars!

2005-03-23T00:04:00.000-08:00

Group shot of various people
From left, Mike Manson, Killer Christian Holmes, Wyatt Wallace, Little Buddy Luke Harding, Michael Masters, Andrew Krumm
Superstar Ray Hagan wants you!
I wanted to spice up Ray Hagan from being just another guy that comes out wearing a wrestling T-shirt, so why not dress him up as Uncle Sam? I think it works for his character.
Michigan's Greatest Athlete, Marcus Payne, shows off his Michigan letter jacket
The front of his tights, the back
Payne's gimmick was more or less that he was a University of Michigan alum. So why not incorporate it into his ring attire? There's an attempt at recreating the Michigan helmet on his tights, and I think it looks okay, especially with the maize yellow and navy blue.
The Hardest Working Man in Wrestling Today, Andrew Krumm! With Chyron, too!
Apparently, Andrew also knows the Hardest Working Man in the Tattoo Business, too. Actually, for Krumm, I didn't exactly have very many visual cues to work from, other than NYC and he was a hardcore wrestler. I thought I'd confuse it a bit and make a hardcore punk out of him. Hence the faux-hawk and red Docs. And, well, once I started putting one tattoo on him, well, I just couldn't stop.
Michael Masters comes to the ring, ahem, not dressed for combat.
Front of his tights, the back
Masters was a pain to create. Aristocratic, arrogant, and effete, he had to look just right. I experimented with various logos, letters, and such, but the shield with the "M" works in its simplicity, and then the vaguely Nazi-esque eagle just completed it. And, my favorite, and I'm not sure you can see it in the pictures, but he's got his initials on his boots. You gotta have that.
Maniac Mike Manson shows off the UWC Dental Plan
Manson's a favorite. I didn't have very many visual cues here, either, other than he was an escaped mental patient. So, I asked myself, if he was an escaped mental patient, what clothes would he have access to? A doctor's scrubs, obviously. I combined two different shirts to get a) the scrub look, and b) the ripped off sleeves look. Not sure if that's apparent, but that's what I was going for. Facially, I think this is my best, in that he really does look insane. I made his head bigger, and added various make-ups to his face to make it all look dirtier, darker. and, well, the teeth speak for themselves. One other thing: I tried to give him a hospital identification wristband, but it just looks like a regular white wristband. Oh well.
Lastly, Tom Collins shows us his new robe, boots, and cowboy hat.
In his ring gear Front and back
My old TC wasn't pretty enough. not gay enough. So I changed him up. #1, he needed a flashier entrance, and a hot pink robe and cowboy hat will achieve that. #2, he needed a sexier ring outfit, so wearing nothing but the skimpiest underwear worked there. And Pink cowboy boots, because, really, every gay wrestler needs pink cowboy boots. Right? And, I don't know how well you can see it in the picture, but I added a John Waters mustache.

Hope you enjoyed those. At some point, I'll recreate the entire roster.

Beyond Reason: September 21, 1999

2005-02-20T18:33:00.000-08:00

Beyond Reason: September 21, 1999
Paul Revere High School, Boston, Mass.

LAST WEEK:
3 new champions crowned, but no gold. Marcus Payne returns, spoiling the party by swiping all the belts. Tonight, all the belts are on the line in a wild Tag Team bout, with Payne in control of the action. World Champ Axel Reed teams with US Champ Wyatt Wallace against Tag Team Champions Jarred Matthews and the Lunatic Ace Custis.

Dead Ed finally revealed, and it is Tom Collins. Can Shanoski spoil the debut?

A man gone mad; a family in peril. Can Fang stop the madness of Gabriel Ragnarok?

The former champ is depressed, giving a chance to a rising star: Can Brett Mondonno take advantage of Shane Erikson?

PLUS: Billy Bob goes for revenge against Superstar Ray Hagan, Peyton Dowdy attempts to snuff out the madcap fun of Wyld Chylde, Whiplash goes for revenge against the Poodle, Hellkid and Johnny Sledge make their debuts against each other and surprises galore …

RR: AND WE ARE LIVE! Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to Beyond Reason! We’re live at Paul Revere, the home of the UWC, and Chad Foster, it’s great to be back, isn’t it?

CF: Yes it is Rich. While some feds are proud of their Bingo Hall, we’re just happy to have our lease on life here at such a landmark as Paul Revere!

RR: We’ve got some great matches for you tonight … hold on … something’s going on in the back … Courtney, are you there?

CB: Yes Rich … it seems someone has brutally attacked Daniel Fritz in the back … I didn’t see it, I don’t know who did it, but it was done with a lot of malice!

RR: Well, it looks like we’ve got our first casualty of the night!

CF: And there’s going to be more! Let’s go to the ring!

Peyton Dowdy v. Wyld Chylde

RR: This match is gonna be "wyld!"

CF: That was pathetic. Oh well, here comes Peyton Dowdy. He seems to have
taken exception to Wyld's antics and wants to put an end to his mouth
running, although Dean did a pretty decent job himself last week.

RR: Well, we have ourselves a match this week, not a cheap run in. Now here
comes Wyld with Irene. Wyld has a bag of goodies ,it looks like, that he's
slid into the corner of the ring.

CF: Oreos? A wiffle bat? Condoms?

RR: Now why would you say something like that?!

CF: I don't know, I don't care. Peyton is already attacking Wyld in the
ring, so shut up now.

RR: You're right! Peyton is pounding on that shrimp's back! Wyld down on
the canvas now, Peyton is putting the boots to him!

CF: Wyld is secretly reaching into his bag and has now pulled out a can of
silly string! He's spraying it all into Peyton's face! Dowdy falls back,
temporarily blinded, as Wyld stands up, straightens out his wrinkels, and
continues.

RR: Wyld is now spelling his name on Peyton's stomach with that silly
string! Him and Irene are just full of giggles tonight! Now he's done
spelling, and he just throws the can into Dowdy's head *thunk*.

CF: I think Wyld's a bit clueless in this ring. He's looking at Irene like
he doesn't have a clue. It's been a while since he's competed, so who knows
how rusty he is?

RR: Irene is looking in the bag for him, trying to find something quickly
before Peyton gets his act together again. She pulls out a...WHAT!?

CF: Wyld has an economy size jug of Ecto-Cooler! He's just going to town on
that, swigging some, dumping the rest on Dowdy, swigging some, dowsing Peyton! He got some in the referee’s eyes! He’ll be more blind than usual!

RR: But through his blind rage, Peyton spears Wyld into the canvas! Wyld is
holding his rib cage like it just imploded on him.

CF: Good. you goof around, you get messed up. Peyton is clearing his eyes
now, and putting the boots to Wyld Chylde. What's up with that name, anyway?

RR: I don't know, but in the past he's been able to use his skills to
surpass the pitiful label. Right now, though, Peyton is putting the works on
Wyld. He's got him on the top turnbuckle, and is threatening a superplex!

CF: Wyld's punching back! Wait a second, he's stepped behind Peyton on the
turnbuckle … WYLDCANRANA!!!

RR: But no referee … look, here’s Tommy Kain!

1!

2!

3!

CF: Holy shit, a stunning, and mighty quick, win for Wyld Chylde! But why did Kain count out PD?

RR: I’m not sure, but we might find the answer later on tonight …

Hagan v. Billy Bob

RR: Well folks, last week it was supposed to be Eric Miles versus Billy Bob, but Superstar Ray Hagan saw fit to end Miles’ career by attacking his leg. He also let Billy Bob have it with the Superstar kick. This week, Billy Bob confronts the Superstar on his own terms in the squared circle.

CF: Yeah whatever. It’s the “Superstar” versus the hick. If this guy is such a superstar, what’s he doing here?

RR: Um, what do you mean?

CF: I’m not sure.

RR: Hmm … well, let’s welcome Billy Bob back to the ring! Here he comes, and well, he still has his fans. I just don’t get it, but oh well. I guess it’s that old Southern Charm.

CF: Get over it. All these people secretly hate him.

RR: And here comes the Superstar … he’s one of a million, and we’ll see how many lights he can knock out with that Superstar kick.

CF: And Billy Bob is all over him! He’s ragtagging him with lefts and rights!

RR: You might say he was clubberin’! Billy Bob whips the Superstar into the ropes but Hagan ducks a clothesline and comes back with one of his own!

CF: Good move by the Superstar … I think I like this guy.

RR: You do? Why?

CF: I can see talent in its purest form, and I believe that this kid has “it.”

RR: I’ll take your word for it as Hagan dispenses another clothesline to take Bob back down. Hagan is getting ready in the corner … Superstar Kick misses as Billy rolls out of the ring … Off the ropes … baseball slide dropkick misses. Billy Bob goes after Hagan with lefts and rights and here’s a whip into the steps! Billy Bob now content to stomp a mudhole on him! Bob rolls Hagan back into the ring.

CF: What an inbred idiot!

RR: Hey Chad, he asked nicely not to be called that. Kick to the gut by Bob … off the ropes and here’s a bulldog to take Hagan down… for the win:

1!

2!

Hagan’s up. Billy Bob goes after the leg but Hagan’s fighting it … if Billy Bob can turn him over, it’ll be the Hog Tie!

CF: And you know how painful that hold is!

RR: Hagan’s reaching and he’s tripped up Billy Bob … roll through and he’s got him hooked for the Star-Cross … incredible! What a reversal!

CF: Yeah, but in the process they ended up in the ropes! Billy Bob rakes the eyes!

RR: Hagan can’t see, and now here’s a whip into the ropes … Powerslam, no! Hagan floats over … kick to the gut, front facelock, lift, BRAINBUSTER! BIG MOVE! Hagan’s pointing up to the sky … Apparently he wants to go to the top rope … Could it be a Shooting Superstar Press?

CF: That would be clever, wouldn’t it?

RR: Billy Bob is down, but Hagan is taking his time getting to the top … and Billy Bob meets him! Hagan is crotched on the top … Billy Bob follows Hagan to the top … they’re both standing up on the top … Billy Bob is going for a Belly Welly Superplex but now Hagan’s firing right hands to the face! They switch positions … Hagan has him hooked … and OH MY GOD! They both slipped off the top rope and to the floor! OH WOW! They both look hurt! The ref is checking on them … they fell from pretty far up with nothing, not even a table to break their fall … the ref is counting:

1!
2!
3!
4!
5!
6!
7!
8!
9!
10!

CF: Double Count out? Ah nuts. We need another match.

RR: It’s clear that nothing was settled, and it’ll have to all come to ahead sometime in the future for these two.

CF: Was that spot planned?

RR: Shut up the cameras are still on.

CF: Oh. We’ll be back after these commercials.

Whiplash v. Poodle

RR: Well folks, it’s “Break Stuff” by Limp Bizkit, and that can only mean one thing … it’s time for Whiplash and Vicious Vicki to come down to ringside!

CF: I heard from some reliable sources that Whiplash is working with a nagging injury …

RR: Well, you are the owner of this company.

CF: Yeah … Whiplash told me.

RR: Well, then, I guess it all makes sense. Look out … Vicki’s got the mic …

CF: This is where she tells us all to jack …

RR: Easy Chad …

VV: Paul Revere, I’m not a slut, I just like to have sex!

Crowd: YAY! WOO! YAY!

RR: The crowd liked that statement!

CF: SO DID I!

VV: And Whip, honey, I’m sorry, but you’re just not cutting it anymore.

RR: Look at that look on Whiplash’s face.

VV: There’s someone in the back that’s a little bit better … hell, a lot better! It’s over, honey.

RR: It’s over? Is Vicious Vicki breaking up with Whiplash on, well, city-wide TV, national if you have the dish program?

CF: Whiplash has got the mic …

Whiplash: Who is it? I’ll kill him. You can’t leave me …

RR: Who’s that coming from the crowd … it’s … it’s …

CF: BRITTANY!

RR: LOW BLOW ON WHIPLASH!

CF: Oh that’s vicious …

RR: Whiplash is bent over … Vicki just put her skirt over Whiplash’s head … She drives him down with a face slam … Call it the Carpet Muncher!

CF: Whiplash isn’t moving …

RR: We need to get the doc down here now …

CF: Oh look out … Brittany and Vicki are making out! WOW!

Brittany: We’re not sluts, we just like to have sex!

Crowd: YAY! WOO! YAY! TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!

RR: Oh my God … they’re going to do it! Take a break! Take a break! What’s the Poodle doing in there? He’s humping Whiplash’s leg! The ref is down to count:

1!
2!
3!

CF: They’re getting naked!

RR: The Poodle wins amidst this chaos … oh wow … those are big … take a commercial, dammit!

RR: Well, the ladies have put their clothes back on thankfully … But Whiplash is out from that Carpet Muncher that Vicki hit him with … Apparently, he may have a neck injury. We don’t know how serious it is, but we’re taking every precaution … we’ve got a gurney out for him.

CF: Yeah … we like to make fun of guys, but we don’t want to see him get hurt. Get well, Whip, and we’ll welcome you back to the ring any time … and hell, maybe you can get your hands on Vicki this time.

RR: LOOK! Up in the stands … is that … Nastrodamus?

CF: It may be … where’s he going?

RR: I just got word in the back … something’s going on … Courtney?

CB: Yes … Billy Bob has just attacked Daniel Fritz … I’m not sure why, but he’s really letting him have it!

RR: This is the second time Fritz has been attacked tonight!

CF: I guess the poor guy isn’t wanted by some of the people in the back … Well, Rich is getting into the ring for an interview, so let’s go!

TK Interview

RR: Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome to the ring, the one, the only, Too Cool Tommy Kain!

CF: And here comes Tommy, wearing his black TK "Drinkin ain't Easy" T-shirt … he gets into the ring and stands next to Rich.

RR: Tommy, You’re a former world heavyweight champion, and you’ve got history with a lot of the fellows in the back. Tell us what’s on your mind.

TK: Well Kainiacs, tonight you witnessed the last straw. The stick that broke the camel's back, the final blah, blah, blah. Anyway, the point is it's over. I tried to give the folks a group they could be proud of a group that put the fun in fundamentals and the Rah in the Tommycanrana. But I knew I couldn't do it alone. I needed help, and silly ol' me, I thought that I had that help in Damon and Peyton, but noooooo, it didn't pan out. It started to seem to me that it was always me, always my responsibility, always MY loss, not OUR loss, always OUR win, not ever MY win. Well ya know, sometimes ya got ta beat good ol' TK upside the head a few times for him to get the picture. But guess what Kainiacs, TK's got the picture now. And here's a little Van Gogh for ya. TK is on his own and guess what, the whole UWC is open season. I got little surprise party's planned for each and every one of you.

RR: Are you calling out everyone in the back?

TK: Now everybody from Reed, all the way down to OG Daniel Fritz, watch yourselves cuz see the Kainster is tellin ya this, you won't know when or where, or hell, even how, but when it does, BANG, but you'll never forget your TK surprise. Now I already got my first guest picked out. Ya see this guys been gettin on my last cool nerve since back in the ICW days. Besides being boring, untalented, and not too mention it, god awful ugly, he's also the biggest crybaby on the planet. Now if that wasn't enough clues I'll spell it out for you. S-H-A-N-E. That's right ratings dropper, TK's callin you out, I don't care when, where, or how. Let's get it done so I can show
you two things, one, I can show you that I am now and always have been better than you, annnnnnnnnnd, I'M TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL, AND WELL............................ YOU'RE NOT!

RR: There you have it … Tommy Kain, everybody …

Crowd: YAY!

Shane Erikson v. Brett Mondonno

CF: If you’ll excuse me, I need to go to the back to check on Whiplash’s condition. I’m sure someone will fill in for me out here … cue “the sound of free speech” … I guess we know who’ll be filling in …

RR: Well, now we have the privilege of having Dean McGrath come out to commentate again for the second week in a row! And here he comes! The crowd seems to be taking a liking due to his recent comments for some particulars here in the UWC. Dean makes his way around...here, have a seat, F.M.C.

DM: It's funny how everybody calls me that, but only if they knew what it meant, they'd be laughing out loud.

RR: Well, what does it mean?

DM: DON'T TOUCH ME! Anyways...let's get this match over with quickly. We all know by now that watching Shane Erikson wrestle is about as fun as...well, it's not fun at all. everybody at home, PLEASE keep watching! There's good matches after this one, I promise!

RR: Well, here comes Brett Mondonno. The crowd just about hates this guy, as well.

DM: The sexiest man alive? He can have that title, so we can save the REAL titles for WRESTLERS.

RR: Mondonno inside the ring, awaiting your best friend, Shane Erikson.

DM: Oh yeah...the big EQUILIZER, Little Bunny Erikson, Shane the Pain, has less talent than Dave Mustaine...SHANE ERIKSON!

RR: Oh God...well, here he comes, running full force to ringside! He slides into the ring, ascending the top turnbuckle and he's pointing at YOU, DEAN!

DM: WHAT!? You want some!? Come get it, bitch!

RR: Sit down, Dean! You're not in this match, so sit down!

DM: That little bitch better stop running his mouth and realize he's got a match to deal with in Brett Mondonno up there.

RR: Oh, huff puff. Brett Mondonno has just dropkicked Erikson over the ropes and the action has spilled out onto the floor. Mondonno with a springboard cross body block!

DM: That move leaves Erikson about three feet away from our announcing table. If he even gets closer...

RR: Erikson up with a slap to Dean's face! Dean, sit down! Dean is up, and now he is chasing Erikson around the ring! Shane turns the corner, ducks under, and Mondonno connects a clothesline, wrapping Dean's throat around his bicep! Now Erikson and Mondonno are giving Dean McGrath a whooping!!! The ref is outside, in the middle of the two men! Shane looks up and pops Brent with a thumb to the eyes! Now Erikson rolls into the ring, as Mondonno slides back in himself. Dean is laid out on the floor! Erikson now putting the boots to Brent. he picks him up and whips him to the ropes, and bam, a powerslam! The quick cover...
1...

2...

kickout.

RR: Shane stands up slowly, an Irish whip to the corner, and he follows in with a clothesline attempt, NO! Mondonno sunset flips over Erikson, now the pin...

1...

2...

kickout.

RR: It looks as if Dean is back to his feet, the crowd showing approval. Erikson now springs up and lariats Mondonno into the corner! Shane perches him on the middle turnbuckle, hooks him in, and BAM, a great belly-to-belly suplex! Holy shit, is he already going for the Revenge!? Shane hooks Mondonno's head in, lifts him up, but Dean has his foot, and Shane falls to
the mat! Mondonno falls on top!
1!

2!

3...NO!

RR: Shane gets up quickly, reaches and grabs Dean's hair, but Mondonno rolls him up from behind!

1!

2!

3...NO!

RR: Mondonno with a series of pin attempts on the former world champ! Erikson now charging, only to be hit with a dropkick! he springs back up, another dropkick! Up and charging again, Mondonno sends him to the ropes, Erikson back to a spinning heel kick! Erikson rolls out! Dean Mcgrath grabs his ass and throws it back inside! erikson now in the corner, on his knees, begging for mercy! Mondonno looks to the crowd he runs in and connects with a dropkick to the already floored Erikson! Here comes Dean back to the announcing booth! Dean, how's the action!?

Dean McGrath: Hahaha, real funny. Shane is gonna get his, Mondonno is taking care of him nice and well right now.

RR: Mondonno has him in the corner, in a slouched position! Could we see a few bronco busters!?

DM: Isn't that Shane's move? Regardless, here comes Mondonno with a parody of Erikson's best seller, OHHHH...Erikson with the foot up! That little shit got crafty all of a sudden. Shane scrapes Mondonno off the canvas and delivers a powerbomb that just shook the Paul Revere chalkboards!

RR: Very descriptive, Dean. Erikson with a quick two count, and he's still on top. Now Erikson is pointing to the outside at you again, Deaner.

DM: You bitch! Concentrate on your match before I slap you around!

RR: Sit down, Dean! Damn it, Foster said you could commentate, not participate!

DM: That little weasel is still taunting me. I swear to God, if he comes down here again, I am gonna lay his ass out and have Tom Collins pour his passion punch all over the place!

RR: Disgusting! now Erikson lifting Brett up for a second powerbomb! This time he runs with Mondonno, finally coming down with a beautifully performed running Liger bomb! Coincidentally, he just planted Mondonno right in front of you, Dean.

DM: Yeah, you don't think I can see this? That little piece of shit isn't even going for the cover, he's just taunting me, and making Mondonno look like a sucker.

RR: In any event, Erikson now lifting Mondonno up for what looks to be a third and possibly final powerbomb. He lifts Mondonno, but Brent turns it around into a huracanrana pinning combo!!

1!

2!

333333333333NOOO!

RR: Erikson squeazes a shoulder up! My god, Brent took everything he had and edged that move out! What great athleticism!

DM: Now he needs to follow up and beat Erikson, which should be easy. It'll probably take a few more arm drags, a couple hip tosses, maybe a bodyslam for good measure, and bam, we've got a winner.

RR: Although I disagree, Mondonno now stealing the advantage with continuous kicks in the corner to Erikson's cranium. Brent measures him up, turns around into another beating spinning heel kick, this one spinning both combatants over the top and outside again.

DM: Erikson's got about seven foot this time.

RR: Dean, I want you to stay seated. Be controlled, cooler heads prevail, remember? Mondonno's gonna whip Erikson into the guard rail, but Erikson reverses it and here comes Mondonno right into McGrath's lap! DEAN! he's just thrown his head set off and has begun to beat Brent senseless! Dean gorilla presses Mondonno up and drops him neck first on the guard rail!
Erikson comes running in as Dean ducks, and as Shane turns around, he is nailed with my cup of water! Damn it, Dean! Dean slides Shane into the ring, and throws a chair in behind him. McGrath winds up, it looks as if Erikson is going down! The ref gets in between the two! Erikson steals the chair, and while the ref is preoccupied with Dean, he's outside again, and he
just slammed that chair into Mondonno's face! BLOOD'S DRIPPING all over Brett’s forehead! Dean's forced out, and he's coming back. Erikson throws Mondonno back inside, the ref unaware of the chair shot! Dean!?

DM: That Erikson is gonna get his!

RR: Erikson now holds the weak and limp Mondonno up and DDT's him! the cover!

1!

2!

3!

RR: My God! Erikson wins in a brutal show of trickery! Wait! DEAN! Dean has run in behind Erikson … Dean takes the chair and wraps it around Shane's face! Erikson bounces off the ropes, stunned. Dean catches him on the rebound, CONNECTS with another brutal shot!!! Erikson's neck just bent the wrong way, folks! Erikson's motionless! Dean's taking the chair and is now laying Shane's face on it! Dean begins to tippy toe dance on Shane's face!!! The crowd's loving it! What's this? Dean is pulling something out of his pants!? He's asking for a microphone!

Dean McGrath: This, people, is a legal UWC contract! And this, people, is a pen! My name is signed, so Shane, do us all a favor!

RR: Dean is taking Erikson's, in his state of unconsciousness, hand and is signing the contract for him! If it's done by his hand, then it's legal!

Dean McGrath: Well my goodness, Foster! We've got ourselves a match for next week!

RR: Mondonno rising slowly, and OH MY GOODNESS! Dean smacks him with the chair again! McGrath exits the ring, and the ring is left a bloody mess! Wait a minute … Whitney is following Dean out … She’s leaving Mondonno? I don’t know how Dean feels about girls that don’t speak English very well, but how can you say no to that body? We’ll take a break and we’ll dispatch Courtney to the back to see if Deaner gets lucky tonight …

Collins v. Shanoski

RR: Well folks, this will be a wild one. Last week, the identity of Dead Ed was revealed, and it was none other than the incomparable Tom Collins. His victim last week: Sean Shanoski. Shanoski was the victim of a triple team at the hands of Foster, Brittany and Collins. Will he get revenge tonight?

CF: Well, frankly, no, because he’s a friggin’ loser and he knows it, I know it, and the people at ringside know it!

RR: Well, I don’t know about that Chad, he did pin you two weeks in a row and he did nearly beat you to death in the Boston Street Fight.

CF: Shut it! Just bring the imbecile out here so I can watch Collins kick his ass.

RR: Alright, and here he comes, the hardcore icon, Sean Shanoski! He’s got a score to settle with Collins and you, Foster. You better believe that he’ll be looking to drop someone through this table into your lap again …

CF: He better not … and by wasting time on stuff like that, Collins will have him …

RR: Shanoski is in the ring, standing on the second rope directly above us, soaking in the fans’ approval … And here he comes, Miss America himself, Tom Collins!

CF: And look who’s leading him to the ring … Brittany in what can only be described as see-through, tight and sexy as hell! Damn I wish I was a lesbian.

RR: Did you just say what I thought you just said?

CF: If I said it out loud, I guess I did.

RR: Well, TC is in the ring, and Shanoski is staring a hole right through Collins, but Collins is brushing him off … Brittany is getting in the ring behind Shanoski … he turns around to confront her but Collins is on him with forearms to the back! He grabs Shanoski and whips him into the ropes and nails him with a picture perfect dropkick!

CF: What form! It seems Collins lapse away from the ring afforded him no ring rust.

RR: He lifts Shanoski but Shanoski fights back and rakes the eyes … he backs Collins up and here’s a whip into the ropes … Shanoski catches him for a slam but Collins flips over and out … waistlock … but he’s doing nothing but playing mindgames with Shanoski … Shanoski to the ropes for the break and a look of disgust and hatred written on his face …

CF: Collins is a master of psychology …

RR: Collar and Elbow no, Shanoski with a boot to the gut. There’s a forearm to the face that staggers Collins and now a snapmare … kick to the back by Shanoski! Off the ropes and the elbow drop misses!

CF: Collins is as quick as a cat!

RR: Quick as a gay cat! Collins straddles Shanoski and rains down rights on his head! He lifts him up … Vertical suplex! For the pin:

1!

2!

Shanoski is up …

CF: Dammit.

RR: Collins pulls Shanoski up and here’s a whip into the ropes, no reversed … Shanoski has him … T-BONE SUPLEX! Collins landed hard!

CF: Dammit.

RR: Shanoski dumps Collins to the floor … he whips Collins into the guard rail! OUCH! Now into the steps! Collins is getting a hard core lesson from Shanoski … Shanoski has a chair! He’s going to nail Collins with it! Brittany grabbed it from behind him! Shanoski tosses Brittany down … but Collins is back up with a low blow! He rolls Shanoski back into the ring …

CF: See what he gets for trying to cheat?

RR: Collins to the top rope … he goes for an axehandle off the top but Shanoski catches him! NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX!

1!

2!

3

Collins escapes!

CF: That wa a close one.

RR: Shanoski off the ropes but Brittany grabs his leg! He breaks free and charges Collins but Collins gets a boot to the gut … off the ropes … COCKTAIL SHAKER! Collins crawls over and makes the cover:

1!

2!

3
Shanoski kicks out!

CF: HOW IN THE HELL!

RR: Shanoski has got some fight …

CF: That’s not fight, that’s idiocy!

RR: Collins lifts Shanoski … he’s going to be going for the Cocktail Shaker 2000 … Shanoski grabs the tights and pulls Collins out of the ring though, giving him time to recuperate!

CF: I hate to say it, but that was a smart move …

RR: Collins onto the apron and Shanoski decks him! They’re right in front of us folks … Shanoski with a hand full of hair rams Collins’ head into the turnbuckle … he’s got him hooked … he’s going for the Agent Orange! He’s going to put Collins through our table!

CF: He better not!

RR: Shanoski lifts but Brittany grabs Collins’ legs! She’s not going to let it happen! Shanoski kicks her away, but that lapse in concentration is all Collins needed … he lifts Shanoski in a vertical suplex and down comes Shanoski onto our table! And, since this is a weekly occurrence, it should be no surprise that Foster was caught in the carnage … OH Well. Brittany grabs Shanoski and throws him into the ring … You okay Chad?

CF: I’ve been better … I think I need to see the doc …

RR: Collins has Shanoski up in the torture rack … he spins Shanoski out into a neckbreaker! THE COCKTAIL SHAKER 2000! For the win:

1!

2!

3!

Collins wins! He had to have an assist from Brittany, but Collins is your winner …

Hellkid v. Johnny Sledge

RR: Alright fans we are ready to get back to the a..... well, here comes Peyton Dowdy … and I guess it looks like PD will be joining us for this next match up...

PD: Would you mind shutting up so I can get a few words in?

RR: Ummm...

PD: That is what I thought, alright before we get put to sleep by this next
match up there are a couple things I gotta say....WyldChydle you still suck...

RR: Oh yeah I bet it took a lot of thought to come up with that one......

PD: Alright smart ass, why don't you just be quiet. Now as I was saying
WyldChylde still sucks, Tommy Kain is going to have some hell to pay and well
later on tonight I have a little something in store for everybody out there,
it should be great...

RR: Now that you have said that can we get to the match up?

PD: Yeah I guess, but we all know Lords is going to destroy Johnny "I have
no clue what I'm talking about" Sledge. I just hope it will be quick,
although a good nap never hurts...

RR: Why don't you just go away? Anyhow "damaged" by Black Flag has started
up on the speakers and the Ayatolla of Rock and Rolla himself is on his way
out and he looks pumped up.

PD: Yeah Johnny Sledge can praise satan and kiss his ass!

RR: OH WOW...Sledge runs down and nails Lords from behind with a viscious
clothesline to the back of the head....maybe you should've said he can praise
satan and kick his ass instead...

PD: Whatever, its going to take a lot more to keep Hellkid down then Sledge
can dish out.

RR: You sure are confident in Hellkid...Sledge pulls Lords up and gives him
a couple stiff knife edge chops across the chest, Lords stumbles backwards
towards the ring. Sledge charges in and goes for a clothesline.

PD: No, Hellkid ducks low and sends Sledge up and over into the ring apron
with a nasty back drop. Hellkid rolls into the ring and admires his handy
work from there.

RR: Sledge struggles to his feet holding his lower back, he rolls under the
rope and the match is now officially underway. Hellkid lays the boots to
Sledge as he tries to get up to his feet.

PD: Lords grabs a handful of hair and gives Sledge a little help getting up,
he sends Sledge into the ropes with an irish whip, but it is reversed and
Lords is sent into the ropes.

RR: Hellkid comes off and kicks Sledge in the face, he telegraphed that
attempt at a backbody drop, Sledge might be showing signs of ring rust here,
after all this is his first match in quite awhile.

PD: Well it could just be the fact he sucks and was never any good to begin
with.

RR: Anyways...Hellkid grabs Sledge by the hair and drives him down face
first into the mat with a nasty face slam, Lords makes the quick cover...

...1

...2

..Sledge gets his left shoulder off the mat and the match continues.

PD: Hellkid hops up and hits the ropes quickly, he comes back and drives a
short leg drop across the throat of Sledge. Way to go Hellkid!

RR: Lords gets up and appeals to the crowd who has solidly gotten behind him
in this match.

PD: Hellkid back to the offensive, he hooks up Sledge and takes him over
with a vertical suplex, Hellkid follows up with a stomp right to the abdomen
of Sledge...He's on a roll now, Sledge is screwed.

RR: Hellkid goes for an eblow drop, but Sledge moves aside and Hellkid hits
nothing but canvas, I guess you spoke to soon.

PD: Shut up....

RR: Hellkid and Sledge both up, Hellkid charges but Sledge side steps him
and Lords spills out to the floor. Johnny steps through the ropes and down
onto the floor to attempt some offense on hellkid.

PD: That'd be a first, we haven't seen a damn thing from Sledge since the
sneak attack at the begining of the match.

Ref: 1! 2! 3! 4!

RR: Sledge scoops up Hellkid and drops him throat first on the gaurdrail

Ref: 5! 6! 7!

PD: Sledge rolls back into the ring to stop the count and then slips back
out to the floor but gets met with a stiff right hand to the gut from
Hellkid, Hellkid gets up to his feet and delivers another hard right to
Sledge.

RR: Lords with the Irish whip, NO! REVERSED AND HELLKID GETS SENT INTO THE
RINGPOST!!!

PD: LOOK AT THAT CHEATER!!!

RR: Umm, that isn't cheating really, just stop whining and face the fact
Sledge is better then you think he is.

PD: Whatever...

RR: Sledge pulls Lords up and rolls him back into the ring. Sledge is going
to the top rope, what are we going to see here?

PD: Nothing because Hellkid just shook the ropes and Sledge busted his nuts
on the top turnbuckle...HAHAHA he got what he deserved.

RR: That was defiantely a showing of ring rust right there...

PD: Excuses, excuses...Hellkid looking to capitalize right here, he hooks up
Sledge and is attempting a superplex!

RR: No blocked by Sledge, he pushes Hellkid off the top rope and down to the
mat. Sledge stands up on the top turnbuckle and leaps for an ax handle smash.

PD: HELL YEAH, Hellkid stops him in his tracks with a dropkick right to the
stomach, Hellkid makes a cover.....

...1!

...2!

...3! NO! what the...

RR: Sledge manages to get out of that...Hellkid complains to the ref about a
slow count, wait Sledge from behind with a roll up...

...1!

...2!

PD: Hellkid kicks out easily and squirms up to his feet, he runs over Sledge
with a viscous lariat.

RR: Now Hellkid is going to take his chances with the top rope.

PD: Yeah, this should be good, Sledge is done for...

RR: Hellkid wasting a lot of time jawing with the fans here....He gets to
the top, no wait Sledge pulls Lords off the ropes.....He spikes him down head
first with a DVD...THE WRECKING BALL!!!

PD: NO!!!!!

RR: Sledge with the cover.....

1!

2!

3!

Big win for Johnny Sledge in his debut here in UWC, and a good way to
return to in ring action for him....

PD: Yeah whatever, he still sucks just like WyldChylde, I’m outta here get
that loser Foster back...

Fang v. Gabby Ragnarok

RR: This one is going to be a grudge match! With some of the chilling remarks Gabriel Ragnarok made during the week after his absolutely insane flip out a week ago, where he had to be restrained and tazered by a legion of cops, Fang has to know that he’s got to stop this insanity before it gets completely out of control!

CF: You said it right. Ragnarok has threatened Fang’s family, he’s threatened Fang’s well being, and last week, Ragnarok flattened Fang with his broad sword.

RR: Thank god no one was hurt seriously by that thing… it’s a dangerous weapon and does not belong at ringside.

CF: I agree …and here comes Fang! The fans have taken to him, and it looks like he left Violet and Emi at home … probably a wise decision by Fang.

RR: Well, Fang’s a martial artist, and his Breaking Point backbreaker can come out of nowhere … I recall vividly when he snapped Brett Mondonno in two.

CF: But Fang’s giving up size and power and possibly a psychological advantage to the deranged Ragnarok, who may not even care about wins and losses now.

RR: And here he comes … and he’s got a microphone in his hand …

GR: Hey Fang … I saw that you left your precious family at home … aren’t they pretty, all huddled together, fearing the random noises of the night … Oh, I went by your house … your wife is so pretty, your daughter so precious … I just had to …

RR: That’s it, Fang’s had enough and now they’re brawling in the aisle! Fang takes the larger Ragnarok into the guard rail! Rapid fire kicks and now a chop send Ragnarok over into the crowd! This is wild!

CF: You’ve got that right! Fang rears back but Ragnarok pulls a child in front of him! That kid can’t be more than 10 years old! That’s despicable!

RR: Fang grabs the child from Raggy’s grasp but leaves him vulnerable to attack! Ragnarok with a double sledge and Fang collapses in a heap. He dumps him back over the guard rail and climbs over himself, stomping Fang’s head on the way down …

CF: That was brutal … I think Fang may have a cut above his eye now.

RR: Ragnarok lifts Fang over his head … Gorilla press … is he going to throw him into the ring? NO! Straight down onto the unprotected concrete! Fang has got to be out …

CF: Ragnarok is looking for something under the ring … it’s his broadsword! Abbadon is at ringside!

RR: He better not! Ragnarok readies a swing at Fang but the ref grabs at Abbadon! Ragnarok is livid! He shoves the referee down! Fang is up! Kick to the hand knocks out Abbadon, spinning kick takes Ragnarok into the steel steps!

CF: Wow! Get that broadsword out of here!

RR: Fang rolls Ragnarok back into the ring and here’s some measured kicks to Ragnarok’s rib cage. Off the ropes, big legdrop! For the cover:

1!
2!
Raggy with a big kickout!

CF: I’m surprised he went for a pin … I figured these two would just batter each other senseless.

RR: Fang whips Ragnarok into the corner … he charges monkey flip? NO! Ragnarok has both hands around Fang’s throat! Two handed chokeslam takes Fang almost through the mat! What a move and Fang is down! Ragnarok now just straddles Fang and let’s loose with a barrage of lefts and rights, all focused on that cut above Fang’s left eye! Now he bites at it! Fang is starting to bleed!

CF: Look at the demonic look on Ragnarok’s face! There’s blood dripping out of his mouth!

RR: This is brutal. He lifts Fang, and here’s a few knee lifts into the stomach. He whips him across the ring … Big Boot takes Fang off his feet. Off the ropes and here’s a huge leg drop onto the bloodied face of Fang!

CF: Ragnarok looks like a man possessed. Now he’s just grabbing at the wound above Fang’s eyes and trying to open it even wider! Now he’s biting at it again!

RR: He throws Fang’s bloody head down and stands over him … he wipes Fang’s blood across his chest … he’s … he’s laughing? He’s enjoying himself! This is carnage!

CF: I can’t believe we’re witnessing this … atrocious deed.

RR: Ragnarok bends over to lift Fang but Fang sweeps the leg! Ragnarok goes down hard! Fang’s trying to get to his feet, but has he lost too much blood?

CF: I don’t know, but Ragnarok is getting up too!

RR: Fang goes through the big man’s legs! Off the ropes … a lariat staggers the big man … off the ropes again, another clothesline staggers Ragnarok back! Ragnarok dares him to do it again! Fang off the ropes a third time and he takes Ragnarok down with a spinning heel kick!

CF: The fans are going absolutely bonkers now!

RR: Raggy’s getting up though … kick to the back of the leg, kick to the chest, kick to the leg again, kick to the chest but it’s caught by Ragnarok … ENZUIGIRI BY FANG! Ragnarok is staggered … Fang quickly to the top … SPINNING HEEL KICK FROM THE TOP! Ragnarok is down! Fang for the cover:

1!

2!

3

NO! Ragnarok kicked out!

CF: Incredible!

RR: Fang picks up Ragnarok and whips him into the ropes but it’s reversed … Fang off the ropes and he leaps into a prawn hold body scissors! Ragnarok lifts him up to drive him face first, but Fang rolls through into a victory roll!

1!

2!

NO! Ragnarok escapes!

CF: Oh wow.

RR: Dropkick by Fang and Ragnarok goes out of the ring … Fang’s getting ready … hold on … what does Ragnarok have in his hands? Fang with the tope suicida right into ABBADON! NO! NO!

CF: He got him with the handle and not the blade, thank god.

RR: Ragnarok rolls Fang in … it’s academic now … he lifts him up … LUCIFUGE down! For the cover:

1!

2!

3!

CF: Ragnarok wins in a sickening display … hold on … he’s got Abbadon again! He’s standing over Fang … he’s … he’s … going to stab Fang in the chest with Abbadon! NO! THIS CAN’T HAPPEN!

RR: Ragnarok’s gone insane … the ref is trying to stop him but he gets nailed with the pommel of the sword for his trouble! He’s going to do it …

CF: Look … out of the dressing room … it’s DAVID BRICELAND!

RR: Briceland kicks Abbadon out of Ragnarok’s hands and here’s a right, another right and he clotheslines Ragnarok out of the ring … Ragnarok grabs Abbadon and walks off … what a coward!

CF: Briceland is checking on Fang as Ragnarok disappears beyond the curtain … Fang looks to be in rough shape …

RR: Hold on …out of the back … it’s Jenn Briceland … she’s clutching at her stomach … she’s bleeding … NO! NO! DEAR GOD NO!

CF: Ragnarok has come back out … there’s blood on Abbadon … He’s laughing … he disappears but Jenn is bleeding … her stomach has been cut open! David Briceland checks on his wife … Oh my God …

RR: THIS IS SICK! THIS IS AN ATROCITY! I’m going to check on her …

CF: The doc is out to check on both Fang and Jenn … David is in shock … Rich is out there to check … I can’t believe that Ragnarok would do such a thing to Jenn like that … Fang is coming to in the ring … He sees the commotion in the aisle … he goes over there … he and David have respect for one another … that’s why Briceland made the save, but at what cost? Rich is coming back to report …

RR: Chad, thank the good lord on this one, but it’s not serious. Just some superficial cuts, nothing major … I think Ragnarok was trying to scare Briceland.

CF: Still … this is something I don’t take kindly to. I’m going to get this bastard arrested …

RR: Well, that’s another thing. As the Doc was coming out here, he said Ragnarok is long gone …

CF: To where?

RR: I don’t know … but I venture he’ll be hard to find. Let’s take a break and sort this out before our main event … Gabriel Ragnarok, you make me sick.

Main Event
World Champ Axel Reed and US champ Wyatt Wallace
versus
Tag Champs Luni and Jarred Matthews
Every belt on the line
Guest Ref: Marcus Payne

RR: It’s main event time, folks! Every title is on the line! If you’ll excuse Chad and I’s somber mood, let’s get this party started, and hopefully, there’ll be no bloodletting, no assault of women or children and no just out and out malice.

CF: Are you kidding? With these four in the ring, there’s going to be nothing but malice! But first, let’s introduce our Guest Referee!

Dan Gilbert, ring announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome the guest referee of the evening, the former UWC Heavyweight Champion of the World, Marcus Payne!

RR: And here he comes, draped with all the gold … he seems to have gotten his smile back, but with all that gold around him, how could he not smile?

CF: Oh please. It’d be something if he actually earned any of that gold, but none of it is his! He stole it from my office in the back!

RR: Well, Payne never did lose the world title, did he?

CF: Shut it. Let’s bring out the Tag Champions next.

RR: And here comes Luni … Call him the accidental tag champion as he tried to attack Matthews, who didn’t have a partner, and ended up knocking himself and Tommy Kain senseless and accidentally pinning him. But he’s a champion now, and he’s got the opportunity of a lifetime here.

CF: And here comes his tag team partner … and I use that term loosely because these two are on the opposite side of the spectrum when it comes to getting it done in the ring … Where the hell is Luni going? He’s hopped the guardrail and is headed into the stands …

RR: I don’t get it … did you notice Matthews has brought his own chair with him to the ring … he’s making a promise that the JM-assacre will be performed tonight!

CF: Before we get to the opposition, let’s explain the rules:

#1. If you hit Marcus Payne, you’re eliminated from the match, and your partner goes on alone. If you have a singles title, you forfeit it to Payne.

#2. If you get pinned or you submit, you lose your title to whoever pinned you.

#3. Marcus Payne is in control of the action, so he’ll be making up the rules as he goes along.

#4. There is no goofy pretense that you have to do your opponent’s finisher on him before you can pin him.

RR: Why the hell is Luni in the bleachers with the fans?

CF: I am afraid to ask.

RR: Well, let’s bring out the United States Champion, Wyatt Wallace! Here he comes with the lovely and talented Lisa … No sign of “Dave” though.

CF: Thank god. It’s been an interesting night with the women of the UWC with Vicious Vicki leaving Whiplash for Brittany, Whitney leaving Mondonno for the FMC, and Jenn Briceland getting attacked by Gabriel Ragnarok, so we’ll see if Lisa sticks by her man.

RR: Wyatt Wallace looks ready to go … and he’s eyeing his US title around the neck of Marcus Payne.

CF: And well, let’s bring out the World Champion, Axel “Idol” Reed! He looks pumped and ready to go …

RR: Y’know Chad, to be honest, I have no idea what’s going to be happening tonight.

CF: Me either! That’s why I booked this crazy ass match!

RR: Well, truer words have never been said. Payne removes the title belts and holds each one over his head to signify that they are all indeed up for grabs tonight. Ring the bell, it’ll be Wallace and Matthews to start, since Luni is still in the crowd.

CF: So, with Reed on the apron, Matthews can only win the US title, and Wallace can only win the tag titles, right?

RR: Right.

CF: If Wallace tags Reed in, can he pin Reed?

RR: I’m not sure. That’d be up to Payne, and we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

CF: I guess.

RR: Collar-and-elbow, Wallace takes a headlock on Matthews. Matthews pushes him off and here's a shoulderblock that takes Matthews down. Wallace off the ropes again and Matthews trips him up with a drop toehold. Matthews floats over into a front chancery but Wallace wiggles out and hooks a hammer lock on Matthews. Matthews struggles to his feet … Matthews jumps up, dropkicks backwards and dives into a forward roll! Interesting counter there by Matthews … Wallace applauds him.

CF: I think Wallace may have been making fun of Matthews there.

RR: Well, who knows. Collar-and-elbow again and Wallace lifts a knee into Matthews’ gut. He scoops him up and here’s a body slam. Elbow drop misses! Matthews with one of his own and he misses! Wallace with an arm drag to take Matthews down! Matthews up again and Wallace goes for a hip toss but Matthews counters with one of his own … Both men go for a dropkick and now they stand, head-to-head …

CF: These are two even competitors …

RR: Hold on … is that Peyton Dowdy in the crowd with Luni? What does this mean?

CF: I don’t know … but it can’t be good for Reed and Wallace …

RR: Collar and Elbow again but Matthews kicks Wallace in the leg. Frontkick to the chest stands Wallace up and a spin kick takes Wallace down to the mat.

CF: Put a chair in front of Wallace’s face and that’s the JM-assacre!

RR: Matthews is quick on the advantage and he hooks a vertical suplex. Up Wallace goes and Wallace flips out of it and behind Matthews. Back drop suplex by Wallace but Matthews flips out of that … he pushes Wallace into the ropes for a roll up, but Wallace holds on … Matthews charges and Wallace back body drops him over the top rope and onto the floor!

CF: Incredible move there by Wallace … Wallace springboards to the top rope …

RR: SPRINGBOARD SOMERSAULT PLANCHA by Wallace! Matthews is down in a heap! Reed is down and he grabs Matthews and tosses him into the ring … he wants to make the pin:

!

Payne isn’t counting?

CF: Reed and Payne are in each other’s face … Luni’s coming down from the bleachers … he springs onto the guard rail … huricanrana on Wallace on the floor! He rolls Wallace back in and he goes to the top rope …

RR: Matthews rolls onto Wallace for the pin …

1!

2!

LUNI FLIP OFF THE TOP ROPE ONTO BOTH MEN!

CF: Well, that put an end to that count … Reed is in and he whips Luni into the ropes … tilt-a-whirl backbreaker down! Off the ropes and here’s an elbow drop! He goes for the pin:

1!

2!

Matthews pulls Reed off of Luni …

RR: Matthews doesn’t want to lose those tag titles … but he’s still a little groggy from his partner flipping onto him like that!

CF: What about Wallace? He was on the bottom of that pile!

RR: Reed whips Matthews into the ropes and he catches Matthews with a sleeper hold! Matthews pushes him off and now he and Payne are face to face!

CF: If Reed touches him he forfeits his title!

RR: Schoolboy by Matthews:

1!

2!

3

Matthews was a blink away from winning the World Title! Reed up but Luni rolls him up!

1!

2!

Wallace pulls Luni off! Matthews dropkicks Wallace in the face and Wallace falls to the floor … Matthews follows … ASAI MOONSAULT! Matthews and Wallace tumble into the crowd!

CF: INCREDIBLE!

RR: Reed and Payne are still arguing! Payne’s threatening to send this match completely out! Luni up to the top rope … Cross body but Reed ducks! Payne and Luni crack heads! They’re both out … Peyton Dowdy is charging the ring … Reed covers Luni for the World Tag Titles:

1!

2!

3

Matthews pulls Dowdy out of the ring! Low blow by Matthews! He’s got the chair … JM-ASSACRE ON DOWDY! DOWDY IS OUT!

CF: Payne’s out of it, and so’s Luni! Here comes Wallace!

RR: Dropkick to the back of Matthews head sends him crashing into the ring post! OUCH! Reed’s out and he and Wallace roll Matthews into the ring … Double whip … Double clothesline is ducked and Matthews off the far ropes with a spinning heel kick that takes Reed out! Wallace ducked! Matthews up but there’s a kick to the gut! BLINDED WITH SCIENCE! Wallace has Matthews pinned!

CF: But Payne is still recovering from that wild move from Luni where they knocked heads … Payne sees the pin:

1!

2!

Luni with a dropkick on the prone Wallace! Wallace is hurt!

RR: Reed grabs Luni … Powerbomb? NO! Reversed into a huricanrana! For the World Title:

1! 2! Reed escapes!

CF: Was that a fast count from Marcus Payne?

RR: I think so, and Reed is taking exception with it … Luni with a schoolboy on the distracted Reed!

1! 2! Reed escapes again! Luni and Reed up quickly and Reed ducks a wild Luni swing and hooks Luni with a waist lock! GERMAN SUPLEX! For the tag titles:

!

Payne’s not counting! He’s got something in his eyes!

CF: That’s a load of … Reed is livid! But he can’t touch Payne or he’ll forfeit his world title!

RR: Wallace dropkicks Luni from behind and Luni is thrust into Reed! Reed falls out of the ring! Wallace charges and Luni flips Wallace out of the ring and he lands on Reed! The US Champ and the World Champ are out on the floor … Luni grabs a chair from ringside and is going to go for something wild … Matthews to his feet … JM-ASSACRE ON LUNI! Matthews for the cover:

1!

2!

3!

YOUR WINNER, AND NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS … WAIT A MINUTE … They’re partners?

CF: Payne realizes his goof, so does Matthews … RESTART THE MATCH!

RR: Matthews sets up the chair … Off the ropes, off Luni, off the chair to the top rope, PLANCHA TO THE FLOOR! But Wallace and Reed scatter! Matthews ate nothing but guard rail! Matthews is going to feel that in the morning … Reed throws him into the ring … Wallace to the top rope … Reed gets Matthews on his shoulders … DOOMSDAY DEVICE! Matthews is out cold!

CF: Reed for the cover for the World Tag Team Championship:

!

Payne refuses to count!

RR: What is up with Payne? He must be upset that Reed is the world Champion when Payne never lost it!

CF: Wallace for the cover on the fallen Matthews:

1!

2!

3

Luni makes the save!

RR: Why would Luni make the save when just five minutes ago, Matthews brained him with that chair?!

CF: Well, who knows …

RR: Reed grabs the hurt Luni for another German suplex, but Luni with the Universal Reversal! Luni off the ropes but he’s caught … DESTRUCTION DRIVER! Reed for the cover:

!

Payne is not counting any pinfalls by Reed …

CF: Look … Wallace is barking orders at Reed …

RR: Reed drags Luni toward one of the corners … Wallace ascends to the top … 450 Splash onto Luni’s knees! Wallace is doubled over in pain! Luni to his feet but an armbar take down by Reed leads to the STRAIGHTJACKET! Payne has to count the submission!

CF: Payne is walking away to check on Matthews and Wallace, who are both still down! LUNI JUST TAPPED! BUT PAYNE ISN’T COUNTING IT!

RR: Wallace is getting to his feet, but Reed is going completely insane … he’s won this match maybe 3 times already if Payne would just count the damn pinfall or counted the submission … Reed is in Payne’s face … talking trash … Payne shoves Reed back! Reed and Wallace knock heads … Matthews rolls Wallace up!

1!

2!

3!

Matthews gets the pinfall! WE HAVE A NEW UNITED STATES CHAMPION! Matthews can’t even stand, but he’s the new US CHAMPION!!!

CF: Wallace is in Reed’s face … this is his fault!

RR: Reed turns around and decks Payne! Wallace turns Reed around and continues to berate him! Reed shoves Wallace! Wallace shoves Reed back … right into Payne, who lifts Reed up … INVERTED DVD! He grabs Wallace and throws him on top of Reed:

1!

2!

3!

We have a new WORLD CHAMPION! Wallace can’t believe it, but now he’s the new World Heavyweight Champion …

CF: Luni’s on the top rope … He leaps … LUNI SUPER DROP ON MARCUS PAYNE! He covers … oh what the hell … Wallace drops down to count:

1!

2!

3!

LUNI PINS PAYNE! He’s still tag team champion!

RR: I think we better do something before more titles change hands … Foster has headed into the ring and separated the five men, most of whom are out of it … Foster has the title belts …

He hands the US title to Jarred Matthews. Matthews holds it up … Jenny Rovero’s breasts some where are shaking with happiness.

He hands the Tag Team belts to Luni … Luni offers one to Matthews, but Matthews tells Luni to keep it … I guess Luni needs a partner now … could it be Hellkid?

And he holds up the World Title, and he hands it to Wyatt Wallace. Lisa is in and she grabs the title, Wallace lifts her onto his shoulder! What a sight …

We’re out of time … Catch you next week!

Video Game imaginations of the stars of the UWC

2005-02-20T02:45:00.000-08:00

These are from Smackdown v. Raw. Just if you were wondering what I saw.

Group Shot
Wyatt "WW3" Wallace
The "F'n Franchise" Jarred Matthews
Axel Reed
JD Freeman
"Superstar" Ray Hagan
"Too Cool" Tommy Kain
Killer Christian Holmes
Tom Collins
Gabriel Ragnarok
David Briceland
"Little Buddy" Luke Harding

Beyond Reason for September 14, 1999

2005-02-17T22:53:00.000-08:00

Beyond Reason: Boston Tea Party
9-14-99

LAST WEEK:
Two champions lock horns, one prevails, but falls to an out-of-ring situation. This week, the former champion takes on the US champion to determine the UWC Heavyweight Champion of the world. Axel Reed fights Shane Erikson for the vacant World Title.

4 men. Different views, different strokes. Wyatt Wallace, the talk of the town. Gabriel Ragnarok, possibly slipping off the deep end of sanity. David Briceland, the focused, consummate wrestler. Fang, the family man with a funny name. What do these four men have in common? They are great wrestlers. The winner, gains the distinction of being the man of destiny with the UWC United States Championship.

Sean Shanoski finally got his hands on Chad Foster after weeks and weeks of goading and cajoling. Beating him wasn’t enough; he wanted to break him. But that is when the darkness took over. After a week of torturing Foster in the woods, Dead Ed arrives to stop Shanoski. Has there been a deal with the devil? Or perhaps to a different God. One thing will be answered tonight, on Shanoski’s hide: WHO IS DEAD ED?

Jamal Jameson walks out on abrasive tag partner Jarred Matthews. Matthews falls to a Revolution Y double team. This week, the titles are on the line. But who will help Matthews? Can he hold off the Revolution on his own?

PLUS:
Eric Miles takes on a returning Billy Bob
Mecca takes on Luni
And a celebrity side attraction!

BR: AND WE ARE LIVE!!!! AND OH MY GOD! THE LIGHTS HAVE JUST GONE OUT … It’s going to happen! It’s going to happen! There’s the funeral dirge … it’s DEAD ED!

RR: This is incredible, Bobby! We’re going to find out for once and for all! Who is it?

BR: Dead Ed is standing in the ring … we don’t know where he came from or what, but he’s here … And here comes Shanoski! He slides into the ring and … the lights go out again?!

RR: Anything can be happening in that ring! Who is Dead Ed? I’ve got my suspicions …

BR: The lights are back, and Shanoski is alone in the ring! Where did Dead Ed go?! Who is he?

RR: I have a feeling that Shanoski may be in for a long night.

BR: I hope that you aren’t right, Rich. The question is: Who is Dead Ed?

RR: We’ve got a healthy host of potential players that could be here to invade the UWC. Could it be Hellkid Johnny Lords? Dead Ed fits his demonic personality! Could it be Vincent Masters, back from injury? Could it all be an elaborate hoax by Chad Foster? Or could it be the K-

BR: Don’t say it Rich … He’s been dead for almost a year now.

RR: A year to this very day!

BR: Really?

RR: Well, no, we’re off by a few weeks, but …

BR: Well folks, tonight promises to be exciting with three potential title matches. Because of the uncertainty of the World and US title matches, at the end of the card we will be handing out the title belts and the awards that were voted on earlier by the wrestlers and execs here at the UWC!

RR: Let’s go to the ring for our first contest!

Billy Bob v. Miles

RR: Oh, what a wonderful surprise, once again, UWC's talent advisor and commissioner has decided that he's an announcer as well. Hello Dirk.

DR: Hey Dick, what's the good word?

RR: My na-

DR: I'm sorry, I don't really care what you're good word is. I'm here to announce a damn match.

RR: Always such a pleasure to have a man with no thoughts for other people's feelings. Lets get to the match. I think first up tonight, we have Billy Bob and The Professor Eric Miles.

DR: Wow, what a freaking barn burner. Nothing like top talent to start the show off.

RR: Come on Dirk, these guys look pretty good to me.

DR: Dick, a $3.00 steak dinner looks pretty good to you. Billy Bob is what we in the "talent advisory" business like to call a "loser". Miles isn't bad though.

RR: Well, because Dirk decided to give his two cents on these guys, Billy Bob has made his way to the ring. The guy seems to be yelling at some fan, that's nice. Always good to see wresters working on fan relations.

DR: I'm pretty sure the fan could take on Billy Bob and put up a decent fight. I'll bet if he wasn't in a wheel chair, he could beat Billy too.

RR: And now making his way down to the ring, is none other than the feared Professor, Eric Miles. I really think Miles has the talent to do well here, he took a very tough loss last week, but he showed a lot of talent and potential.

DR: Uh....what the hell is this, who's sprinting from the back?

RR: Oh my god, a man is sprinting from the back. Who is that? That guy looks kind of familiar....

DR: Son of a bitch, I know that guy. Who invited him here? The talent advisor was not asked about this man.

RR: RAY HAGAN HAS RETURNED!!! He nails Miles from behind. Jesus, he's beating the crap out of him. Miles was totally blind sided, I think he's out.

DR: Well, Ray couldn't couldn't knock anybody out if they knew it was coming.

RR: He's got a chair....He just drove the chair right into the leg of Eric Miles, I think I heard a snap.

DR: I wonder if he'll call that the "Superstar Chair Shot"? It sounds as original as the rest of his stupid moves.

RR: He's got Miles in the Star-Cross Cloverleaf...I really think he's trying to end Eric Miles' career tonight.

DR: See what I mean, stupid "Star" names.

RR: He just rolled Miles into the ring. Miles is out, and I think his leg may be broken. Billy Bob just sort of stares at him for a minute.

DR: Come on you moron. Even an inbred hick should know when to pin a man.

RR: He puts his foot on Miles...

1...

2...

3!!!

RR: Billy Bob has just beaten Eric Miles!!!

DR: Maybe you should repeat that...Billy may not win again for a long time.

RR: Billy Bob is a very good wrestler Dirk, show him some respect.

DR: Christ, he's dancing. What a retard. Hey, moron, you didn't do anything to win the match. "Supernuts" Hagan won it for you. Idiot.

RR: Uh, Hagan has climbed into the ring.....Billy Bob turns around...SUPERKICK!!! And Billy Bob goes down, out cold right on top of Eric Miles.

DR: Superkick, Superstar Cross, Superpunch, Superslam, Superplex...I hate this guy.

RR: And look at that, he's got a microphone. Is a mic a complementary gift with every UWC contract?

Ray Hagan: The Main Event Has Arrived in UWC.

RR: And look at this, Dirk has a mic to respond. How nice.

Dirk Ryan: Hey, Raymond, this is the first match. You've got a long way to go before you're in the main event.

RR: Folks, we need to take a break. Dirk, can you please leave?

RR: Ladies and Gentlemen, he’s every woman’s dream and every man’s sick, homosexual fantasy, Magnificent Brett Mondonno!

BR: And here comes the Magnificent one, and I’m not sure if that’s the best intro for him, but here’s the man with a few words he’s got to get off his chest. And he smacks the Night Stalker for that insolent introduction … I guess it serves him right … it’ll make Richard Speck happy … Where’s Whitney? Don’t tell me she’s turning into a question, too! Let’s hear what he’s got to say.

"Magnificent" Brett Mondonno: First of all, JD Freeman, you had better pray to god that you never get out of jail because after what you have done to the women of the UWC, I am going to rip you limb from limb.

Crowd: YEAH!

MBM: Now, for the main reason I am out here. I have something to say to the “Showstopper" Shane Erikson. Listen you arrogant prick, you can go around and walk and talk like you are cool and you are the best all you want. The fact of the matter is, you were a paper champion as the World Champion. You, in reality, couldn't handle ANY belt you have ever received. Especially the World Title.

BR: The crowd is shocked.

MBM: You can degrade my name all you want. Then you say I sink to lows. I don't sink to lows; I speak by the facts. And the fact of the matter is that you are a Sean Waltman wannabe. Shane, you don't have any talent. Me, I have plenty. I don't care about win and loss records. I care about talent, something you have little of. And Shane, you are not even good at being cocky, and arrogant. I am the best at what I do, being an arrogant asshole. But you know what, you are the true asshole. That is why I am proposing a challenge to you, Shane. If you win or lose the title match tonight, I want to have a match with you next week. I want to shut you the hell up for once and for all. And I am going to do it!

BR: Definitely a mixed reaction from the crowd, but when was the last time we saw that amount of conviction from Mondonno?

RR: Look out, it’s Erikson from the back … he looks pissed off … Wait … there’s Whitney! She’s trying to convince Erikson not to go out there … Security is here to prevent this … Who’s that? It’s Reed! Reed with a shot to the back of Erikson! I think he’s trying to send a message to the man who would be champion!

BR: Are Mondonno and Reed working together? Or is it all coincidence?

RR: That shot from Reed is going to do nothing but infuriate Erikson. Was it a wise thing to do?

BR: Who knows … Erikson is enraged, however. Mondonno and Whitney have made their exit, and who knows what to expect next …

Pedro v. Cam v. Antoine v. Drew

BR: It’s time for our Celebrity Death Match … This is a special for all the fans here in Boston … Let’s go to Dan Gilbert in the ring for the ring announcements of Boston’s favorite sons.

DG: Ladies and Gentlemen, are you ready to welcome your favorite sons? Are you ready for four of the greatest athletes in Boston to do battle in a wrestling ring? It’s time for the Celebrity Death Match!

BR: The crowd is super pumped for this …

DG: Ladies and Gentlemen, he’s last year’s Cy Young winner, the ace of the Red Sox rotation and leading to the Red Sox to the playoffs this year. From the Dominican Republic, Pedro Martinez!

BR: And here comes Pedro … He’s got a history with the UWC, and thank god that law suit got settled, eh Rich?

RR: No doubt … LOOK OUT! BILLY BOB WITH A CHAIR! Billy Bob is letting Pedro have it with a chair! OH NO! He’s dragging Pedro backstage … Someone get back there and make sure we don’t have any Deliverance action!

DG: Ladies and Gentlemen, our next competitor is the quarterback of the New England Patriots and one of the most charitable men in our community. From Ohio State University, it’s Drew Bledsoe!

BR: And here comes Drew … he did a great job promoing this show for us. And … LOOK OUT! Dean McGrath from behind! He’s kicking Drew’s pansy ass! He locks on the Cloverleaf and he’s dragging him backstage! Well, there go the Pats Super Bowl dreams.

RR: I thought those evaporated when Bill Parcells left.

BR: Ouch.

Dan Gilbert: Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s bring out our next competitor. He’s the leading scorer for the Boston Celtics, and he’s a former All-Star. Ladies and Gentlemen, Antoine Walker!

BR: The fans hate him here … this is where he plays his home games! Why are they booing?

RR: Probably because the Celtics suck, and he’s got a terrible attitude. But at least he made it into the ring without getting attacked.

DG: And finally, a legend in Boston folklore, a fantastic player whose career has been cut short by injury, but he’s back for one more time … Boston Bruin legend CAM NEELY!

BR: THE ROOF IS BLOWING OFF THIS JOINT! Here comes Cam to deafening cheers … this is incredible …

RR: What’s that in his hand … a HOCKEY STICK?

BR: ‘Toine hops out of the ring and is rushing Neely … CROSS CHECK! Walker is down! He’s trying to get up near the railing … Here’s a charge! That’s two minutes for boarding for Neely! Wow!

RR: Walker is getting pummeled out there … he’s trying to stand up and here’s a slash with the stick! Walker is getting killed!

BR: Neely has pulled Walker’s Celtics jersey over his head! Right hands in lightning succession! Walker is down! One foot over Walker’s chest:

1!
2!
3!

Cam Neely wins!

RR: What an incredible showing by Neely. I almost wish he could go back to the NHL! Hold on … The lights have gone out … what’s going on?

BR: I’m not sure … the lights are back … and it’s DEAD ED! Kick to the gut and here’s a swinging neckbreaker! He picks Neely up and stuffs his head between his legs … he lifts him up into crucifix powerbomb position … wow … the lights have gone out again! What’s going on?

RR: The lights are back … and Neely is out … Walker is out … and Dead Ed is gone …

BR: Let’s take a break. Wow.

Mecca v. Luni

BR: Alright lets get back to the action here. Our next match up is between one of the youngsters in the industry and one of the guys who is definitely a veteran.

RR: Don't get us wrong though Luni may be a youngster but he has been around for awhile now and his opponent Mecca is a long time veteran.

BR: Well it sounds like Luni is on his way out as "I Want Candy" has begun playing over the speakers and the candyman himself has emerged from the back and is on his way to the ring.

RR: NO music is playing as Mecca comes out of the back cus somebody forgot to put an entrance theme on the info sheet, he gets up next to the ring and Luni runs and leaps over the top rope connecting right off the at with a suicide dive...

BR: Luni caught Mecca completely off guard with that one. He grabs Mecca's arm and whips him into the safety rail, he then rolls the much larger Mecca back into the ring and follows in himself…

RR: Mecca gets up at the same time as Luni and connects with a big right hand, but Luni fires one right back at him, they are going back and forth rights and lefts, no Mecca blocks one of Luni's and sends one back that staggers him ...

BR: He whips Luni into the ropes...

RR: Oh my what a clothesline by Mecca, I hate to use this cliche' but I think he about took Luni's head right off.

BR: Luni gets up and Mecca runs him over with another devastating clothesline. Mecca drops a massive elbow down across the chest of Luni.

RR: Mecca gets up and drops another elbow onto Luni. Mecca is trying to rally the crowd behind him but it isn't quite working.

BR: He's wasting time here, its allowing Luni to get back up to his feet, oh man Mecca turned around and caught a dropkick from Luni sending Mecca reeling into the corner...

RR: Luni backs up to get a running start...

BR: OHHHH, he caught Mecca's boot right in the jaw, Luni tumbles to the mat in a heap. Mecca pulls him up and sends him into the ropes.

RR: Wow, what a devastating powerslam from Mecca, he makes a quick cover...

...1

...2

..kickout by Luni!!!

BR: Mecca gets up and complains about a slow count, once again allowing Luni to get back up...

RR: Mecca sees Luni getting up though and gives him a swift kick to the gut doubling him over. He hooks Luni up for a vertical suplex and takes him up...no wait Luni flips out.

BR: Luni hits the ropes and comes off with a spinning heel kick knocking Mecca down.

RR: Mecca is a smart man, he rolled to the floor to keep Luni from being able to capitalize on the move.

BR: This is Luni we are talking about here, what makes you think he just won't.....OH MY LUNI WITH A FRONT FLIP PLANCHA ONTO MECCA ON THE FLOOR!!!!!!

RR: MY LORD BOTH MEN ARE DOWN......

1!
2!
3!
4!
5!
6!

BR: Luni is up and moving around now, he lays a couple boots into Mecca then rolls back into the ring to stop the count, then rolls back out to the floor and continues his assault on Mecca.

RR: Luni rolls Mecca back into the ring and hops up onto the apron. He waits for Mecca to get to his feet, he leaps and nails a springboard DDT on Mecca...the cover

...1!

...2!

...no, Mecca gets a shoulder up.

BR: Luni gets up and runs towards the ropes, he springs off...ASAI MOONSAULT.... NO MECCA MOVED! Luni connects with nothing but canvas.

RR: Both men are up, Luni turns around and catches a swift knee into the midsection. He grabs Luni around the waist and takes him up and back down hard with a gut wrench powerbomb, Mecca makes a cover...

...1

...2

...3 NO! Luni's foot was on the bottom rope.

BR: Mecca once again complains about a slow count as Luni tries to pull himself up by the ropes. Mecca comes up behind Luni and grabsh im in a rear waistlock, Luni nails him with a mule kick and Mecca drops down to his knees in pain!

RR: How did the ref miss that blatant low blow by the candyman?

BR: I don't know, but Luni looks like he is going to take advantage of it, he grabs Mecca around the head and springs off the turnbuckles....TORNADO DDT!!!

RR: Luni sets Mecca up in position with the corner and heads to the top rope, it might be time for a Luni Flip...

BR: The crowd is going nuts as Luni leaps off the top rope, 450 LUNI FLIP!!! The cover...

...1

...2

...3!!!

RR: Luni picks up a big win....

PD INT
BR: Well folks, that was pretty intense, but now we’ve got someone else with something to say. Take it away, Night Stalker!

RR: This is the former president of the ICW, an associate of Revolution Y, and an all around good guy, or so he tells us, Peyton Dowdy!

BR: That’s “only one” by Slipknot, and here he comes, smug and confident as he heads into the ring.

RR: What’s on your mind?

Peyton Dowdy: Well, well, well...like I said last week, the bastard is back, not in black though because too many people say that now and it would just be queer as hell for me to go along with them. Now I noticed that my acceptance of Wyld Chylde's open challenge went unnoticed this week by the executives, so that is why I have come out here this evening. I know you people can't get enough of me so here I am.

BR: Wow this guy is full of himself, he should fit right in here at the UWC.

PD: Alrighty, Dirk Ryan, Foster, McGrath whoever is making the matches around here I want a match up with Wyld Chylde at the next card. That goofy bastard said I unleashed some sort of demon or some shit like that when I accepted his open challenge, but I know the truth about him, he is just one of those crying on the inside clowns. He's a threat to nobody so I figured I might as well take up his challenge and steal myself a win in my in-ring debut here in UWC....

BR: What’s going on … the lights have gone out again … Is Dead Ed going to take Peyton out too? Be careful Night Stalker! The lights are back and … it’s Wyld Chylde! He’s got his wiffle bat! He smacks Dowdy in the face with it! That’s not too painful, just embarassing!

RR: Good to be back here and not in that ring … What’s Wyld have now? Seltzer water? He’s spraying right into the face of Dowdy! Dowdy is getting enraged! He’s chasing Wyld about but Wyld lets loose a barrage of mint Oreo’s and assorted other goodies from his handy trash bag of idiocy!

BR: And Peyton goes down on the floor! He slipped on one of the cookies or something! Wyld is celebrating and dancing in the aisle! Look out behind you! Dean McGrath with a chair! Down goes Wyld! He grabs the wiffle bat … He’s treating him like Rodney King with that flimsy wiffle bat! Oh, the carnage … The FMC has a mic:

FMC: Wyld, on behalf of the entire UWC, SHUT UP!

BR: And the crowd cheers … wow … who knew?

RR: Peyton and Dean look warily at each other as Peyton cleans the cookie crumbs and seltzer water off his clothes and goes to the back … what’s next?

BR: The Tag Title match
Revolution Y v. Jarred Matthews for the Tag Titles

RR: Hold on … what’s this? A moving company is taking all of the chairs around ringside away! What’s this?

BR: This must be a ploy by the Revolution Y to limit some of Matthews’ more explosive moves that utilize a chair!

BR: Well folks … We’ve got another blockbuster here, and this one is for the Tag Team titles. Who’s going to be Jarred Matthews partner? Will anyone step up after Jamal Jameson walked out on him? If not, does he stand a chance against the focused and ready Revolution Y?

RR: Those are all good questions, and there’s only one way to find out … here comes the Revolution Y, Tommy Kain and Damon Damani. Kain looked red hot last week, coming away with the big win and even borrowing one of Matthews’ moves.

BR: They look ready to go. And lets go to the champion, Jarred Matthews. Who’s going to show up as his partner?

RR: The Franchise is coming out alone! No partner, no back up. He’s all alone to fight this war …

BR: This is a remarkable show of courage.

RR: But how can he possibly defend the tag titles without a partner?

BR: Matthews slides into the ring, and eyes his arch rival Tommy Kain across the ring. It’ll be Kain to start and here we go! Collar and elbow … no, just a kick the gut by Tommy. Tag to Damani and they’re going to double team from the get go! Double whip … Double clothesline ducked! He springs to the second rope … Quebrada! A moonsault press takes both men down! Off the far ropes Dropkick takes Kain over the top rope! But a clothesline takes Matthews’ head right off!

RR: The numbers game is just too much against him.

BR: Damani lifts Matthews and here’s a whip to the ropes … a clothesline is ducked and here’s a suicide dive onto Kain on the floor! Where did that come from? Damani is following but Matthews leaps back into the ring. Damani back onto the apron but runs into a shoulder to the gut by Matthews. SUNSET FLIP POWERBOMB TO THE FLOOR BY MATTHEWS! Damani is down!

RR: This is incredible! Look out!

BR: Tommy Kain with an axehandle to the back! Kain is letting Matthews have it on the floor!

RR: The numbers game once again!

BR: Kain rams Matthews into the guard rail! Now back into the ring and Kain follows … Damani is still recuperating from the powerbomb.

RR: That was a scintillating move, but it only got one of the Revolution, and now Tommy Kain is in charge of Matthews in the ring.

BR: Here’s a whip into the ropes and he catches him with a belly-to-belly suplex! For the cover:

1!
2!
Matthews is out!

Kain with a quick tag to Damani and here’s the double team … Double whip, double back elbow and Matthews is down.

RR: Matthews can’t compete two-on-one like this. Someone has to come out and help him.

BR: But with the enemies Matthews has made? The fans may like him but not too many in the back can stand him!

RR: Damani is just stomping on Matthews!

BR: Damani picks Matthews up to shoulder high, and here’s a Samoan Drop that takes all the breath out of Matthews.

RR: Another quick tag … they’re good with that.

BR: Kain in and they throw him back into the corner … again … again … and now a corner whip … Damani with an avelanche whips Matthews out into a Kain Huricanrana! For the win:

1!
2!
3
Matthews kicks out!

RR: Wow! I thought that was all!

BR: Matthews is proving that he has what it takes to be a champion …

RR: But can he do it alone?

BR: Kain is signalling for the Tommy Gunn! That’s one of his premiere moves! Here’s the whip, Kain catches him but Matthews dropkicks him! Kain falls out of the ring! Matthews is trying to drag himself up!

RR: Who’s coming out of the back? That’s Peyton Dowdy! He hops onto the apron in Matthews’ corner! Is this a sincere offer for help or a Revolution Y trick?!

BR: Whatever it is, he’s there and Matthews is dragging himself over to the corner …

RR: Hold on! It’s Whiplash! He’s brought his own chair with him since there aren’t any at ringside! He nails Dowdy in the back! Dowdy is down!

BR: Whiplash takes a seat in the aisle, as Damani comes in and lets Matthews have it in the corner.

RR: Matthews was almost there to make the tag! Whiplash just took that chance away from Matthews.

BR: Damani hooks Matthews, and here’s a huge powerbomb! Oh man, Matthews is in bad shape.

RR: And with Whiplash out there, we’re almost guaranteed to have no one come out to help Matthews.

BR: Here’s another tag for Kain, and here he comes … now it’s time for the Tommy Gunn! Damani whips Matthews into Kain … TOMMY GUNN! Matthews staggers back … Bulldog by Damani! Off the ropes and here’s a Leg Drop to the back of the head! Great double team maneuvers!

RR: Don’t look now … it’s THE POODLE! Whiplash doesn’t see him … OH NO! THE POODLE JUST PEED ON WHIPLASH!

BR: Whiplash is infuriated! He takes off after the Poodle and the Poodle has just scampered into the ring! Whiplash follows! The ref follows them! Matthews is out! What’s going on! Kain goes after the ref to make him count the pin … Damani hooks Matthews for the Shock Treatment! OOH … Universal Reversal floors Damani … that low blow will counter just about any move.

RR: Oh my God … Luni is coming out now! He’s got Whiplash’s chair! He’s got something else in his hands as well …He’s on the apron … CHAIR SHOT FOR MATTHEWS!

BR: Has Matthews made enough enemies? Luni has something else … some white powder … but here comes the Poodle and Whiplash and the ref! They all collide into a haze of white powder everywhere! Kain is in the ring … Partycrasher DVD on Matthews! Damani goes on top … but where’s the referee?

RR: On Planet Mofo I think …

BR: Luni’s blinded … I think he thinks Matthews is covering Damani! He’s going to the top rope …Kain in to tell him otherwise … Luni flies off the ropes he and Kain crack heads by accident!

RR: I’m not even sure what he was aiming for … But Luni nailed Kain awkwardly …The referee is coming too … Damani is pinning Matthews ! He’s not counting them ?! Luni has a leg over Kain …

1!
2!
3!

OH MY GOD!!!!!

BR: What’s the decision?

RR: I don’t know … the ref can barely see, that powder is covering his face … The Poodle is wandering off and Whiplash looks very confused … the ref is talking to Dan Gilbert, our ring announcer … He looks as bewildered as we do …

DG: Ladies and Gentlemen, your winners, and STILL TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD, The Franchise Jarred Matthews and the Lunatic Ace Custis!

BR: You’ve got to be kidding me! How? Luni was there to hurt Matthews … and he knocks himself out on Tommy Kain, who’s not even legal … hell, Luni isn’t even in the match!

RR: Damani is protesting, Matthews is celebrating and Kain and Luni are still out … they both hit hard when Luni flew off the top rope with as many flips as he could …

BR: Well, we’re going to have an awards ceremony at the end of the card, so I guess Matthews and Luni will be getting their tag title belts at the end.

FINISH ME!

Sean Shanoski v. Dead Ed

BR: Look! Shanoski has come out … He’s gotten in the ring … he’s got a mic!

Shanoski: That’s it … no more games … Dead Ed, get your ass out here right now!

BR: Oh my … The lights are out … this is how it’s going to start … the lights are back … IT’S DEAD ED! He attacks Shanoski from behind! Here’s a whip and a clothesline ducked by Shanoski … off the far ropes and Shanoski sends Ed for a flip!

RR: This is what we wanted to see …

BR: Shanoski lifts Ed in a gorilla press … he drops him down in the Widow Maker! Ed is out cold … He pins him …

1!
2!
3!

Shanoski pulls him up! He grabs the mask! It’s coming off … it’s … it’s …

CHAD FOSTER !

RR: Chad Foster is Dead Ed ? It can’t be right … this is wrong …

BR: Shanoski has backed up … confused … the ref has a mic for Chad …

CF: It’s me Sean! It’s me! It’s always been me!

BR: Shanoski just grabs Foster by the neck … Look out Rich … you know what’s coming up … AGENT ORANGE THROUGH THE TABLE!

RR: But the lights have gone out again! Look! There’s that Red Cross! It looks demonic! Dead Ed has been using that as his symbol … There’s the funeral dirge … Here comes the casket … FOSTER WAS A RED HERRING! THIS IS THE REAL DEAD ED!

BR: The casket is being pushed out by the Widow … Shanoski is waiting with baited breath for the casket to open. The Widow has left the casket … the lights haven’t fully come on yet. Shanoski is waiting … Foster is starting to get up …

RR: Look the Widow has slid into the ring behind Shanoski! LOW BLOW! She rips the veil off …

IT’S BRITTANY!

BR: OH MY GOD! Then … Dead Ed is …

BR: The casket has flown open … Dead Ed is up and into the ring! He nails a swinging neckbreaker! Shanoski is down! Dead Ed stands over him …he stuffs Shanoski’s head between his legs … he lifts him up … Crucifix powerbomb position… all the way up … he swings him forward and down! CRUCIFIX DRIVER!

RR: That’s not just that … that’s the WRATH OF GOD!

BR: Ed with the sign of the cross over Shanoski’s prone body … Foster in to count:

1!
2!
3!

RR: Was that necessary …

BR: Ed is taking off the mask … it’s … it’s … it’s

TOM COLLINS!

RR: TOM COLLINS ? OH MY GOD!!!!

BR: THIS IS INCREDIBLE!

RR: Shanoski is out … Foster, Brittany and Collins are all leaving and celebrating … wow!

BR: DEAD ED IS TOM COLLINS.

RR: Foster pulls another one over everyone in the UWC …

BR: Shanoski is pissed off … you know someone is going to sign Collins v. Shanoski for next week.

RR: Let’s take a break.

Wallace v. Ragnarok v. Briceland v. Fang

BR: Well, I am gonna go catch my breath after that, so we're gonna let my good friend, Dean McGrath, handle the commentary for this next match.

RR: "The Sound of Free Speech" is played through the arena, and the fans don't recognize who is coming out until tha F.M.C. walks through the curtain. The fans are chanting "F.M.C.", or maybe it's "Hibiki", or maybe "1-2-3!"...anyways, Dean comes out. Bobby passes him with a quick high five, which Dean smoothly raises his hand and avoids Ramirez. He walks to the commentators booth, puts his head set on, and gets ready to do some commentating takedown on the four way combatants.

FMC: Hello there! Rich, it's amazing to be doing commentating with you on Beyond Reason!

RR: Yes Dean, I agr--

FMC: Don't touch me, let's get on with the match!

RR: "All Over You" by Live begins to play as Wyatt Wallace and his accomplice, Lisa, walk to ringside. Wallace looks towards Dean, McGrath nodding in respect, as he enters the ring, the crowd giving him a healthy boo, as his music begins to fade slowly.

FMC: I like this guy. Take no sheeet, give me the belt, I am better than everyone kinda guy. Good stuff.

RR: I guess...

FMC: A howl then confuses the arena as David Briceland comes running out, "When Worlds Collide" by PM5K blasts through the speakers. David enters the ring, keeping in a separate corner from Wyatt, as his music fades. That is quickly replaced by "lost boy" from Total Chaos. Fang walks out with Violet, Fang totally confused and disoriented. They make there way towards the ring, the arena giving Fang a good sized pop, the best of the match thus far.

FMC: Oh my God...Fang is sporting a Total Chaos song for his entrance! That guy's got nerve! I think Total Chaos dropped off the face of this earth!

RR: Dean, you sweat the details.

FMC: Don't touch me, I said.

RR: The arena then fills with "Ragnarok" by GWAR, as they all await Gabby. The song plays halfway through, and we're still sweating his appearance.

RR: Hmm...Where is he?

FMC: Who knows.

RR: His song finally dies out, as the ref has the announcer call him again. Still, after multiple moments, no Ragnarok. The bell sounds, and we have to settle for three at this point.

FMC: Oh well, the UWC must proceed!

RR: I agree. The bell has rung and the three competitors are circling each other.

FMC: Yeah, and I think we should let everybody know out there that this is an elimination style match, meaning these men must all be eliminated, the last man standing wins.

RR: Fang is going to Briceland to shake hands, what a show of sportsmanship.

FMC: That's weakmanship. Check out Wallace behind the two...

RR: Oh!!! Wallace hits Fang and Dave's head together, as the two fall to the mat. Wyatt now stomping on Briceland's head, as he sweeps him under the rope to work on Fang.

FMC: I don't think he needed to do that to work on Fang. He drags him up and plants him down with a body slam.

RR: Briceland returning to the ring, he perches himself on the top rope. Wyatt turns around to get a missile dropkick! The cover!

FMC: Fang with a leg drop over David's head. I wonder why he did that, I know there's no friends in a title hunt, but why prevent a pin? Fang's a bit slow, ain't he?

RR: He may be, but he's smart in weakening both opponents. Fang measures David and hits a European uppercut, knocking him into the corner. Fang with a few heavy knee lifts.

FMC: Wallace comes running in with a dropkick of his own on the back of Fang's knee, caving his leg in, as Fang crumbles to the mat. Wallace begins stomping on Fang's knee, as Briceland gets up.

RR: He's coming up behind Wallace, he taps him on the back, as Wallace turns, Briceland hooks him in for the "triumph!"

FMC: But Wallace hooks onto the ropes, causing Briceland to fall back and look like a putz. Fang is still rolling around on the mat like a crybaby. Oh look now, Violet pulls him to the outside to help him out.

RR: Does that leave us with two guys, now?

FMC: I guess, since Gabby decided to disappear and now Fang is banged up. Wallace is laughing as he uses the ropes for leverage and grinds his boots into Briceland's neck.

RR: He's dragging him up now, as he whips him to the far corner, running in with a clothesline attempt. Briceland pulls himself to the top turnbuckle, leaping off and landing a sunset flip on the charging Wallace!!!

1!
2!
3
NOOO!!

RR: What a close fall!

FMC: Wyatt is getting up quickly, as is Briceland. David grinds in a headlock, as Wyatt whips him to the ropes, ducks a clothesline, jumps a leap frog, swings at Briceland as he is coming back with his own clothesline attempt, then David is tripped up by Fang on the outside.

RR: Fang is whispering into Briceland's ear! What the hell could be saying!? Slowly, the two re-enter the ring, as Wallace backs up into a corner!

FMC: Look at this! Wyatt runs full force at Fang and Briceland! What a sport!

RR: Briceland ducks a swinging Wyatt, as he encounters Fang who hits the BREAKING POINT! Wallace's back is arched in pain as Fang hooks the leg!

1!
2!
3iiiiiiiiiiNOOOOOO!

FMC: Now Briceland has taken Fang away from victory. For having a strategy, these two are sure confused on getting a man eliminated.

RR: Fang stands up and now the two men are having words! Briceland with a push! Fang with a push!

FMC: WALLACE WITH TWO LOW BLOWS!

RR: Fang and Briceland go down in heaps! Wyatt covers Briceland...

1!
2!

FMC: Fang pushes Wyatt off. What the hell is going on here? he drags Wyatt to the middle of the canvas. Fang is climbing to the top, this seems risky!

RR: Ohhhh!!! Fang with a miscalculated frog splash attempt on Wallace! Wallace gets up slowly, as Briceland does as well. The two stagger towards each other, Wyatt hooking in a quick belly-to-belly suplex and snapping Briceland over! David's boot connects with Fang's face!

FMC: Fang is pissed! He picks Wallace off of Briceland and takes Wyatt to a standing position!

RR: Here comes Fang with a spinning heel kick!! OOOHHH!!!

FMC: Fang just connected with Briceland when Wyatt ducked!! WALLACE ROLLS UP A STUNNED BRICELAND!!!

1!
2!
3!!!!!!

RR: The ref calls for the bell! David Briceland has been eliminated!

FMC: Yeah, but Wallace has gone outside the ring thinking he won the match and possibly the US title. Wallace is now arguing with the time keeper with Fang hovering right behind him!

RR: Fang twists him around and socks it to Wyatt, LITERALLY! Wallace goes flying over the guard rail, into the crowd! Fang, not known for a violent nature, folds up a chair, raises it up and...

FMC: CARDINAL MISTAKE! Wallace with a kick to Fang's face with the chair being the object that broke the foot's fall. Fang is dazed and down. Lisa with a cheap shot on the fallen Fang! Here comes Violet!

RR: The crowd is rising up, HERE COMES THE CAT FIGHT!!! Wait no! Who’s that!?

FMC: From the sound of "Ragnarok" over the speakers, it looks like and sounds like Gabby! What the fuck!?

RR: Yeah, exactly. Is he dressed up as a Viking? He’s got some bizarre midieval outfit on and … my word … he has his sword with him!!!

FMC: A VIKING!? WHAT THE FUCK!? He's charging at Violet and Lisa!

RR: Fang won't have it, he grabs Violent and moves her to safety! What a gentlemen, he also maneuvers Lisa to safety!

FMC: Yeah, but Ragnarok just cold cocked Fang with the handle of that sword! Dumb Fang, he should have hit the showers early!

RR: The ref rolls under the ropes and encounters Gabby! He's yelling in his face, not scared by the sword at all!

FMC: Gabby just took a swing! The ref ducks!! Holy shit! We've got security and Boston's finest coming in for this!!

RR: A crowd of policemen have surrounded this lunatic! He's swinging like a mad man! Look at that!

FMC: Damn, that cop just shocked his ass with a tazer gun! Gabby is still standing tall carring a big fucking sword! Another cop with a tazer! Another! Gabby is getting shocked more than that poor monkey in that Peter Gabriel song …

RR: Oh the irony …

FMC: Gabby falls to his feet and is apprehended. The 5-0's are dragging him back with the crowd cheering in support!

RR: My God, what was the point of THAT!? I hope he doesn’t run into Luni or Freeman in jail! Fang is out cold on the floor, Wallace is inside the ring gaining his consciousness back all the way.

FMC: Yeah, but he's noticing what happened to Fang now. Now he's got Fang's dead carcass and has thrown him back inside.

RR: He is seating Fang on the tope turnbuckle, maybe waiting to revitalize his opponent and have a fair match?

FMC: NOT FROM THE LOOKS OF THAT! Wallace just planted Fang from the second
rope with a crazy version of his Blinded with Science facebuster!!! the ref moves into position!!

1!!!!

2!!!!

3!!!!!

---NOOOOO!!!

RR: Fang just kicked out!!! HOW IN THE HELL!!???

FMC: But Wallace isn't done! He is now helping the groggy Fang to his feet.

RR: Wallace takes Fang's face and plants it into the mat once more! He
covers, could this be enough!!!???!!?

1!

2!!!!!!!!

3!!!!!!

FMC: Well, Fang is a tough competitor, but that was just too much. Wyatt
Wallace with an outstanding victory.

RR: That was pure brutality, but we need to find out what happened and why Gabby
has snapped!!

For the UWC WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD
#1 contender Shane Erikson takes on UWC US Champion Axel Reed

BR: Well folks, let’s find out who’s going to be the man here in the UWC. Marcus Payne abdicated the world title when he “lost his smile,” and as a result, we’re pitting the top two contenders for the World Championship against each other to determine the Champ.

RR: Have you checked out Shane Erikson’s Showstoppers tape? It’s fantastic.

BR: I know. I have my own copy. But here comes the competitors … To Monster Magnet’s “Face Down,” here is your Idol, Night Stalker, the UWC United States Champion, Axel Reed!

RR: And if he wins tonight, it means that Wyatt Wallace is our new US champion.

BR: Ah, but if this next competitor wins, Wyatt Wallace will have to prove his worth against Reed to wrest the title away. And here he comes, the former UWC World Heavyweight Champion, Shane “The Equalizer” Erikson!

RR: Both men look focused. Both men look mean and ready to go.

BR: Collar and elbow tieup, and there’s nothing doing. Both men circle each other again, and here we go again … Reed with a side headlock, and he takes Erikson over. Erikson with the headscissors but Reed kicks up and onto his feet. Shane back up, stalemate.

RR: Both these guys are incredibly technically skilled, but they also aren’t afraid to mix it up.

BR: Erikson and Reed circle each other again, and here’s a single leg by Reed for a quick pin. Shane kicks out before a count and here’s a arm drag for Reed’s pleasure. Shane charges but Reed goes behind. Full Nelson but Shane slides down and hooks his legs around Reed’s waist. Reed lifts him up into a wheel barrow but Shane hooks a side headlock. Reed pushes him off and lands a drop toehold. Off the ropes Reed misses an elbow drop. Shane tries one but misses as well both try and drop kick and miss. Stare down, and the crowd hollers in approval!

RR: Wow. What an exchange.

BR: Reed and Erikson circle each other again, looking for an opportunity. Erikson kicks the gut. He pushes Reed back and here’s a whip into the rope, but a clothesline misses. Off the far ropes Reed takes flight with a flying forearm but Erikson drops down and Reed crashes behind him. Erikson up, hooks him for a DDT but Reed lifts him up, pirouettes and both men tumble out to the floor!

RR: This is a clinic!

BR: Both men with fists of fire and they are trading right hands on the floor! Reed rakes the eyes and here’s a whip into the guard rail! Reed follows and Erikson back drops him into the crowd! Erikson follows and we have a wild brawl going on!

RR: Well, first a scientific wrestling clinic, and now a brawl!

BR: Reed dumps Erikson back over the rail and now is choking Erikson with some cable! Erikson elbows Reed and sends him crashing into the ring post!

RR: I hope Reed’s okay after that!

BR: Erikson dumps Reed back into the ring … swinging neckbreaker and Reed is down. For the quick win:

1!

2!

Reed is out!

RR: It’ll take more than that …

BR: Erikson off the ropes and he nails Reed with a boot to the face. He lifts him up and here’s a whip into the ropes … Erikson catches him with a backbreaker! Quick legdrop! Another! Erikson quickly up to the second rope in the corner … Elbow drop! Reed for the cover:

1!
2!
Reed is up.

RR: Good series of moves there by Shane.

BR: Erikson hooks Reed for a side Russian Legsweep, but Reed hooks the top rope … Shane goes down by himself! He rolls through, and ducks a Reed clothesline! Shane with one of his own misses, kick to the gut by Reed is caught … Enzuigiri misses! Erikson with the legs hooks and gets a Syxx Shooter!

RR: He’s got him … but they’re too close to the ropes.

BR: Reed has the bottom rope and Erikson has to break. Reed rakes the eyes getting up. Here’s the whip to the corner, no it’s reversed. Erikson charges, but runs into a Reed back elbow … Shane staggered, Reed goes behind and hooks Erikson … but here’s a back elbow! Another! Another but Reed ducks and Erikson spins around … inverted atomic drop! OVER HEAD BELLY-TO-BELLY!

RR: Erikson bounced on his head on that one! But it took a lot out of Reed too.

BR: Reed is slow to capitalize, giving Erikson a chance to recuperate. Here comes Reed and here’s a stomp to the back of the head. He lifts Erikson and here’s a whip into the ropes … kick to the gut, and a running knee lift takes Erikson down. Off the ropes and a huge legdrop. For the cover:

1!

2!

Shane is up.

RR: Reed’s slowing it down a bit.

BR: Reed is content to just stomp on Erikson for right now. He picks him up, front facelock and here’s a lift up into a vertical suplex … and he drives him down. Floatover:

1!

2!

Erikson kicks out.
RR: Reed is going for a lot of pinfalls tonight!

BR: Reed lifts Erikson up and stuffs his head between his legs. Waistlock and a lift, but Shane is fighting it … back body drop by Erikson. The US champion is down, but he’s getting up … running clothesline attempt by Shane and Reed drops down and Shane goes through the ropes! Reed to the top rope … He leaps but Erikson bails! Reed goes throat first into the guard rail! He’s reeling … Erikson hooks him … THE END ON THE FLOOR!

RR: That could be all right there … oh wow.

BR: Erikson is recovering a bit … but Reed is out … after a reverse DDT on the floor, wouldn’t you be?

RR: Erikson is winded, but he throws Reed back into the ring. Erikson in and for the cover:

1!

2!

3

REED ESCAPES! OH MY GOD!

BR: You’re right, that should have put Reed out, but Erikson is not worried at all. He lifts Reed up and hooks on a front facelock … He lifts up but Reed fights it … NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX BY REED:

1!

2!

3

Erikson escapes!

Erikson up first and here’s a clothesline that Reed ducks … go behind, GERMAN SUPLEX!

1!

2!

3

RR: NO! That was how Reed won the US title, but it won’t win him the World title!

BR: Reed hooks a front facelock … DDT? NO! Erikson lifts him up and puts him on the top rope … Reed with elbows to the back of Erikson’s head! He rehooks and leaps off … Tornado DDT! For the UWC World Title:

1!

2!

3

Erikson escapes again! This guy is indestructible!

RR: Reed is frustrated… He makes the signal for the Destruction Driver! IF he hits that, it’s all over for Shane!

BR: Reed lifts him up but Shane slides over the back … he hooks Reed in a torture rack ? NO! INVERTED DEATH VALLEY DRIVER!

RR: That’s what put Reed down last week! Reed is out cold … but Erikson is still recuperating from some of the abuse he’s been taking … if he can get to Reed, he can end it all right now! He throws an arm over …

1!

2!

3

Reed kicks out!

BR: That split second delay saved him. But Reed is hurt … can Erikson capitalize?

RR: I don’t know … they’ve been hitting each other with huge moves …

BR: Erikson stuffs Reed’s head between his legs … POWERBOMB! He rolls through for the pin:

1!

2!

Reed bridges out … he turns things around and now he’s got Erikson in a waist lock! He lifts him up for a piledriver but Shane back drops him but Reed goes for a sunset flip … Shane blocks it and drops down!

1!

2!

3

Reed rolls Erikson through now Shane’s shoulders are down!

1!

2!

3

Shane rolls backwards and out and now leans in on Reed’s legs for the pin:

1!

2!

3

Reed tucks Shane’s head in and flips him back into the sunset flip:

1!

2!

3

Shane escapes! Right hand reversed into a backslide by Reed!

1!

2!

3

Shane escapes … small package by Erikson!

1!

2!

3

Reed escapes! Both men up and Reed gets a kick to the gut! He stuffs Erikson’s head between his legs and hooks a waist lock … he lifts him up but Shane flips out … He’s got him hooked for the Revenge but Reed blocks by lifting him up in the air … he’s going for a Northern Lights with only one hand! He stumbles and Erikson spikes him down! THE REVENGE! Erikson for the cover:

1!

2!

3!

RR: NO!!! REED’S FOOT IS ON THE ROPES! The ref is trying to explain it to Erikson! Erikson thinks he won!

BR: Reed while trying to block the revenge positioned himself close to the ropes just in case he wasn’t successful …

RR: Erikson is livid … he goes to pick up Reed … SMALL PACKAGE!

1!

2!

3

ERIKSON ESCAPES! OH MY GOD!

BR: Erikson up first and here’s a right hand that misses … he’s caught! CRADLE DDT by Reed! And Reed’s going to the top rope … SPLIT LEGGED MOONSAULT! FOR THE TITLE:

1!

2!

3!

RR: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Erikson kicked out! Reed can’t believe it!

BR: This is absolutely insane. Reed pulls Erikson but a rake of the eyes by Shane drops Reed to a knee …both men getting to their feet … they charge each other and here’s a double clothesline that takes both men off of their feet! Both men’s shoulders are down!

1!

2!

3

They both barely get a shoulder up!

RR: OH MY GOD!!!!

BR: Who wants it more? Whoever does will win this contest ….

RR: Erikson is getting to his feet first … He stands over the fallen Reed … he lifts him up … front facelock … Reed drops down and nails a low blow!

BR: Erikson bent over … SMALL PACKAGE!

1!

2!

3

Erikson has Reed’s shoulders down!

1!

2!

3

Reed up! Reed with a clothesline but Shane ducks … Shane with one but Reed ducks … Reed has him … DESTRUCTION DRIVER, HARDWAY!

1!

2!

3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

REED WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RR: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BR: AXEL REED IS THE NEW UWC WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!!!!

RR: Oh wow … let’s take a break to catch out breath and Dirk Ryan, Chad Foster and Dean McGrath will present the awards and the title belts.

BR: Well folks our triumvirate of execs are in the ring, ready to present the title belts.

Chad Foster: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a special treat for you … Now we are going to hand out the title belts tonight in a special ceremony. Please come down to the ring, Axel Reed, Wyatt Wallace, and … is this right? Jarred Matthews and Luni!

RR: And here they come, The new World Champion, the new US Champion, and, well, the new and old tag team champions …

BR: Reed, Wallace, Matthews and Luni all get in the ring.

CF: Now, Melissa, if you can bring the belts to the ring …

BR: Hold on, Dean McGrath has just grabbed the mic from Foster … he’s got something to say while Melissa brings the titles to the ring.

Dean McGrath: Wow, what a match. Axel, it looks like you were right, you won the match, and now you're world champ.

BR: Axel is giving a look of "I told you so" to the Deaner!

Dean McGrath: BIG-FUCKIN'-DEAL. Axel, before you won that, you weren't sheeet, when you won that, you weren't sheeet, and now that you've won it, you still ain't sheeet. You beat Erikson for cryin' out loud!!!

BR: Shane Erikson looks back at Dean from the aisleway… he’s not amused …

Dean McGrath: Yeah Shane, you heard me right. Payne killed you the other week, JD Freeman nearly crippled you, and now Reed just took you to the trash! As far as I'm concerned, you're all nobodies!!!

BR: Melissa has appeared from the back, but sans any title belts!

CF: Hold on Reed … what’s going on Melissa? Where’s the title belts?

Melissa: Chad, someone stole the belts. They’re gone.

DR: What do you mean they’re gone?

Melissa: They’re gone!

BR: Hold on … the lights have gone out … what does this mean?

RR: I don’t know … we’ve found out who Dead Ed is so I thought this would all be over with …

BR: We’re back … All 7 men are out! Who’s standing in the middle draped in all the gold …

RR: IT’S MARCUS PAYNE!!!!!!!

BR: We’re out of time! See you next week back at Paul Revere!

Beyond Reason for September 7, 1999

2005-02-14T22:16:00.000-08:00

Beyond Reason, September 7, 1999
Paul Revere High School, Boston, Mass.

Last Week: A champion in stature, if not status, conquers an invading foe, while the UWC World Champion recovers. The hottest man in wrestling gets hotter with a win, propelling him towards greatness. Tonight: Red-hot Axel Reed takes on Marcus Payne for the World Heavyweight Title.

It’s been building for weeks. The self-proclaimed hardcore icon will not be held back, and he gets his chance in the streets with the man who went let him be himself. Out of the woods and into the Shanoski’s world, Foster doesn’t have a chance … Boston Street Fight, I Quit rules. Sean Shanoski versus Chad Foster.

A madman powerbombs everyone, including a young lady. This week, it’s time for revenge. Whiplash takes on JD Freeman.

They’ve waged war before, but the clash moves to the UWC. Mecca takes on Gabriel Ragnarok.

It’s been a war of words, but now it will be a war of armbars and hammerlocks as two of the best technical wrestlers collide. The Professor Eric Miles takes on Wyatt Wallace.

David Briceland makes his debut against Luni.

Fang makes his debut against Magnificent Brett Mondonno.

BR: AND WE ARE LIVE!! Welcome everybody to Paul Revere and … oh my God! Foster is here! He’s in the ring!

Chad Foster: Let’s cut the crap. Shanoski, I’ve been in the woods for a week and I don’t like it. Let’s do this right now and I’ll make you wish you were stuck in the woods!

BR: You don’t have to ask Shanoski twice … here he comes! Foster runs out to meet him in the aisle and here we go! It’s a wild brawl!

RR: This is totally unexpected … I thought that they would be the second to last match!

BR: I guess not … look out … Foster right into the door there …

RR: They’re going outside … What? We don’t have cameras ready? Dammit! Get them there … oh … well, while they’re trying to sort that out, let’s go to the ring!

Eric Lee v. Pyro

BR: Well, we’ve got a newcomer here in Pyro and Eric Lee intent on making a dent somewhere in the title scene.

RR: I wonder what personality Lee will be bringing to the ring with him …

BR: Well, here comes Pyro and he does look a little weird … maybe he does deserve to be locked up.

RR: Who knows … he does look a little strange … we’ll see if he can back it up in the ring.

BR: And it’s “Keep Away” by Godsmack as Eric Lee hits the ring … He’s accompanied by Ashe … and he’s like almost just a bigger version of Eric Lee! Crazy.

RR: Does that make Eric Lee Mini-Me?

BR: Don’t go there, Rich …

RR: Okay … Hold on … what’s that?!

BR: It’s Ragnarok’s theme … Here comes the big man …

RR: What’s he doing here? He’s got a mic!

Gabriel Ragnarok: Ashehole, I’m sick of seeing you haul around your carcass stinking up too many feds. I’m going to clean the UWC of your stench. Next week, at the FleetCenter, I proprose this … Ashe v. Ragnarok, Loser Leaves Town. Accept it, and you have a fighting chance. Don’t accept it, and I just might kill you … again.

RR: Heavy stuff there from Ragnarok …

BR: Ashe looks pissed but Pyro attacks from behind! Ashe is dumped and Pyro is all over Eric Lee in the corner … here’s a whip and a charge … Lee with a back elbow! He springs to the top … Moonsault Press! For the quick win:

1!
2!
Pyro is out!

RR: Incredible high flying move from Lee.

BR: Pyro with a wild lariat that misses and Lee responds a spinning heel kick! Pyro is down and Lee bounces off the ropes and drops a quick leg drop that stuns Pyro. Lee back up to the top … Big Splash attempt but Pyro moves! Lee is hurt.

RR: That was a tough miss there. Pyro is headed to the top rope now … it could be the Flaming Elbow!

BR: He leaps and he connects! Big Flaming Elbow from the top rope! That’s one of Pyro’s trademark moves …For the win:

1!
2!

Eric Lee is up!

RR: But it looks like Pyro is just going to put him in the Third Degree Burn! It’s a Falcon Arrow, and it’s brutal …

BR: Pyro has him up in the air with a vertical suplex but Lee is struggling … and he wiggles out! He hooks Pyro from behind … Reverse DDT! He drags Pyro to the corner and heads to the top rope.

RR: This could be it … Pyro’s about to be extinguished!

BR: ZERO DEGREES! The 450 splash from Eric Lee! For the cover:

1!
2!
3!

Eric Lee wins in our opening bout!

RR: You can’t have a fire in zero degrees …

BR: Hold on Rich … We finally got a camera out on the streets chasing Shanoski and Foster!

RR: Shanoski and Foster are trading lefts and rights outside the walls of Paul Revere! Look out … Foster right into that Statue of Paul Revere!

BR: Foster’s busted open, and when the Hardcore Icon tastes blood, it makes him feel good in the deepest, darkest part of his heart. He’s a sick human being, but that’s why the fans love him!

RR: Shanoski’s taking Foster out into the street … There are cars coming! He body slams Foster in the middle of the road! Here comes an 18-wheeler! Look out!

BR: Get out of the way Cameraman Bob! LOOK OUT!

RR: Oh dear Lord … what happened?

BR: We’ve got a camera out … no word on Foster or Shanoski’s condition … we’ll get a camera out there as soon as we can to survey the damage … Let’s take a break.

BR: Well, folks, we have no idea what’s going on with Foster and Shanoski … apparently, they’re both okay and we hear that Foster has run away and gotten into the subway system with Shanoski close behind … we’re scrambling to get a camera man with them but we’re having a hard time keeping up. As soon as we catch up to them, we’ll bring it to you. Until then, let’s get to the ring!

JD Freeman v. Whiplash

BR: And here’s “Break Stuff” by Limp Bizkit and here comes … Vicious Vicki! She’s okay! I thought we’d never see them again.

RR: You mean, you never thought we’d see her again.

BR: Yeah … that’s what I said.

RR: Um, no, you said we’d never see “them” again … you weren’t referring to her …

BR: Vicki’s got the mic!

Vicki: Hey Bobby, I don't care how much you brown nose; just like your wife, I still won't blow you! Now shut your ass up. Yes fans, the goddess of porn has come back to bring you all to a climax once again! If you will, welcome every woman’s fantasy, the Whip! Whiplash!!

RR: She sure told you.

BR: Shut up. Here comes Whiplash, and he’s going to get back at Freeman for powerbombing his valet.

RR: He looks determined … LOOK OUT BEHIND! Here comes JD Freeman! He’s got a chair with him!

BR: He nails Whiplash in the back! Oh no … Whiplash is crumpled! He picks up Whiplash and he rams him into the post! Get out of the ring Vicki! The ref’s already thrown this one out and awarded a DQ win to Whiplash …

RR: Freeman is all over Whiplash …

BR: Freeman lifts up Whiplash into a gorilla press and throws Whiplash into the ring. Freeman throws Whip into the ropes and Whip bounces off into a big boot. Off the ropes and he drops a leg right across his throat! He’s about ready to put him away … he stuffs Whiplash’s head between his legs … he’s going for the powerbomb … Whiplash just crumples to the mat … that chair shot really must have rattled him …

RR: Hold on! Vicki just got in the ring! LOW BLOW on Freeman! Freeman is shocked!

BR: He turns around and he’s got Vicki by the hair! He’s going to hit her! Whip grabs Freeman’s legs and rolls him up! Vicki goes down as Freeman rolls through and he’s got Whip hooked … he lifts up and drives him down into the ring with the Powerbomb! He maintains contact and lifts him again! And he’s driven down again! Now he’s turning him over … he’s in a modified Texas Cloverleaf … the powerbomb/cloverleaf combo is known as the Devastator, and Whip is powerless to do anything … Freeman is just wrenching on his back …

RR: Look at Vicki pleading with Freeman … She’s been tossed around twice by this madman … Freeman throws Whiplash’s legs down and stalks over to Vicki!

BR: This has got to stop …

RR: He just steps over Vicki and over the top rope … he’s done his work.

BR: This Monster may be 0-2 in this league, but he’s made an impact. Whip is out, Vicki is terrified and he’s one pissed off dude.

RR: HOLD ON Bobby! Our cameraman Billy has caught up with Shanoski and Foster in Harvard Square!

BR: Harvard Square? How’d they get that far away … and here we go! There’s a lot of people there … and Shanoski is dominating Foster! Oh no … here comes the big whip and Foster goes flying through that window! What is that, a candle store?

RR: That’s where they make candles here … Look out Shanoski has a vat of that hot wax they use to make candles with and he dumps it on Foster! Foster’s skin is being burned alive!

BR: That can’t burn him too bad, but it’s got to be painful! Listen to Foster scream!

RR: Shanoski’s dumps Foster back out of the window … Foster’s turned a shade of yellow from that wax!

BR: Shanoski’s looking for something else to throw Foster into … there’s a little horn section entertaining the crowd and here comes Foster and Shanoski! He throws Foster right at those three kids! Shanoski has the trumpet … Oh the carnage …

RR: Have we seen any offense out of Foster yet?

BR: Not yet at all! Look out … Shanoski with the trombone! This is brutal … he picks up the alto sax … he throws it down in disgust … he wants a better weapon. Wait a sec … don’t take the camera …
RR: Dammit, we lost them again! Get another camera out to Harvard Square! Well, let’s take another break.

Wyatt Wallace versus Eric Miles

BR: Well folks, this one we know is going to be a doozy. Eric Miles comes to us as the most highly-touted technical wrestler we’ve seen in these parts, no offense to the less brash David Briceland. But we’ve got our own brand of technical wrestler here in “the Product of Middle America” Wyatt Wallace.

RR: I think technical may be a bit of a misnomer. He’s solid on the mat, but he’s more likely to take it to the air.

BR: And here he comes, the Professor Eric Miles. He’s wearing a lab coat. If you had a Doctorate in Wrestling, wouldn’t you be wearing, you know, like a singlet and earmuffs or something?

RR: I don’t know, but if he knows his stuff, this could be a wild one. And here comes Wyatt Wallace and the lovely and insignificant Lisa!

BR: I don’t know if she’s insignificant …

RR: Let’s get this party started …

BR: Wallace and Miles circle each other … each putting feelers out there … test of strength perhaps … maybe not … Miles goes for a single-leg … blocked nicely by Wallace … back to a neutral position.

RR: We might be doing this all night …

BR: Here we go … collar-and-elbow tieup, arm drag by the Professor! Wallace is down!

RR: I don’t think Wallace expected that.

BR: Here we go again … armdrag again by Miles!

RR: You can see the frustration mounting in Wallace.

BR: Collar-and-elbow and here’s another armdrag by Miles! Wallace pops up and kicks Miles in the gut! He grabs the hair and he BLINDED HIM WITH SCIENCE!

RR: That’s his move!

BR: but Miles rolls out of the ring wisely …

RR: But given Miles penchant for flying … is it a good idea?

BR: Wallace gets a running start baseball slide dropkick but Miles is out of the way … SUPER KICK! Wallace goes down on the floor like a shot!

RR: Wow. Two premiere moves in a row from both of our competitors … we knew this would be a good match but we couldn’t have expected this right off the bat!

BR: Miles rolls Wallace in and here’s a body slam in the center of the ring. Off the ropes and here’s an elbow drop that finds the mark. For the cover:

1!
2!
Wallace kicks out!

RR: Did you notice the half-nelson and the hook of the leg for a textbook cover? The Professor knows his stuff.

BR: here’s a whip into the ropes … tilt-a-whirl … no! Wallace reverses into a flying headscissors! Miles is up first and here’s a lariat to take Wallace back down.

RR: Miles really does know his stuff. Did you see how he rolled perfectly to his feet after being taken off of them?

BR: Miles hooks on a front face lock and here comes a hanging vertical suplex … look at that form …

RR: He’s making Wallace think about it … he’s way up there …

BR: He’s still making Wallace think about it … my word … What strength!

RR: Wallace must be disoriented by now … how much longer is he going to be up there?!

BR: Miles is … and down goes Wallace in the delayed hanging vertical suplex! Miles is maintaining contact! SNAP SUPLEX! Floatover into a pin:

1!
2!
3
Wallace kicks out!

RR: What a series of moves there by Eric Miles … that was something else. He’s content now to slap on a reverse chinlock to not let Wallace get any wind back and rest himself.

BR: He lifts Wallace up and here’s a snap mare take over and he puts on the figure four headscissors.

RR: Good chain wrestling by Miles.

BR: Yeah, he’s keeping Wallace grounded for the time being … Hold on … Wallace is reversing by turning Miles over … and he’s out! He slides forward and gets a side headlock! Which Miles immediately reverses into a hammerlock!

RR: I don’t think Wallace can compete with Miles on the mat.

BR: Wallace is getting to his feet … Miles is trying for a crossface but he can’t get to connect his hands … and OH! Trick knee from Wallace and Miles goes down …

RR: That’s one reversal Miles couldn’t have prepared for!

BR: Wallace off the ropes and he nails a seated dropkick on Miles that takes Miles out of the ring … He’s stunned and Wallace is headed to the top … CORKSCREW MOONSAULT FROM THE TOP TO THE FLOOR!

RR: Insane.

BR: Wallace is up first and he rolls the Professor in … Wallace up to the top rope again … flying clothesline is turned into an ARMDRAG! Wallace bounces across the ring! Wallace is up but dazed and Miles is on him … he hooks him … Side Russian legsweep and down! He holds onto the legs and he’s got him hooked for a Texas Cloverleaf! Can he turn him over … He does! Wallace is in pain!

RR: But Miles’ ring positioning isn’t the greatest … Wallace isn’t too far from the ropes … this may be Miles’ first mistake of the match!

BR: But Wallace is hurt … he’s reaching … he’s reaching … he’s not going to make it …

The ref raises his arm and it falls … ONCE.

The ref raises his arm and it falls … TWICE.

The ref raises his arm and it falls … no it doesn’t! Wallace is still in it!

RR: Incredible!

BR: Wallace reaches and … and … he makes it! Miles must break the hold!

RR: But Wallace can’t have anything left …

BR: Miles is setting up Wallace for the Prof. Positive, his swinging Ace Crusher. He’s got Wallace ready for a reverse DDT almost, but he’ll swing it up and around into a Stunner-type move. He’s got him set, but Wallace gets a knee up to Miles’ face! He rushes forward and runs up the turnbuckle and lands on his feet! Reverse vertical suplex? NO! He drops him butt-first onto the corner! Miles is in the TREE OF WOE!

RR: Miles hit pretty hard!

BR: Wallace with some kicks to the exposed rib cage of Miles and … here’s a baseball slide dropkick that takes Miles’ head off! Miles is down!

RR: Wallace is heading to the top! Miles hasn’t moved …

BR: 450 SPLASH! Wallace has him!

1!
2!
3
Miles kicked out!

RR: OH MY GOD!

BR: Wallace picks up Miles … he’s going to Blind Him With Science again! NO! Double leg by Miles … catapult into the corner! Wallace stumbles out and Miles hooks him … PROF. POSITIVE! The Swinging Ace Crusher and Wallace is out cold!

RR: OH MY GOD!

BR: But Miles is out of it too! He can’t make the cover!

The ref lays down the mandatory ten count …

1!

2!

3!

4!

5!

6!

7!

8!

9!

Miles gets his arm across Wallace:

1!
2!
3
WALLACE KICKS OUT!

RR: OH MY GOD!

BR: Miles picks up Wallace, who can barely stand … he’s got him hooked and up for a vertical suplex … Wallace escapes and slides down the back for a sunset flip!

1!
2!
3
Miles rolls forward! Wallace’s shoulders are down!

1!
2!
3
Wallace bridges up and turns it around and he’s got Miles hooked … LIGERBOMB!

1!
2!
3!

HE GOT HIM! Wyatt Wallace wins in a classic! WOW!

RR: Take this home and study it because technical wrestling really doesn’t get better than this.

BR: Great win for Wyatt Wallace, but let’s not discount the effort here by Eric Miles … he’s going to be a great one too.

RR: No word on Shanoski and Foster, so I guess we’ll go right into our next match.

Briceland versus Luni

BR: Hey … remember that Bow Wow Wow song, “I want Candy”? I think they ought to just go ahead and name it Luni’s theme.
RR: Really. After seeing the measured and controlled high flying of Wyatt Wallace, we’re going to be treated to the insane and out-of-control flying of the Lunatic Ace Custis!

BR: And here comes the Luni one, and who knows what he’ll break out and do this time.

RR: This guy really lives up to his name … he is a maniac.

BR: And here comes the focused one … David Briceland.

RR: There are no frills about this guy, no fancy anything. This is a consummate wrestler. Very similar to Eric Miles, actually, but not he doesn’t fall into braggadocio like the Professor. He’ll twist you in knots and throw you in ways you wouldn’t expect. He’s good.

BR: I know … you’ve spent time at his dojo so you know just how good this guy is … well … let’s ring the bell and get to the action. Look at the seriousness on Briceland’s face. He’s all business in that ring.

RR: You can’t necessarily say that about Luni … look at the smirk on his face … and here he comes!

BR: A wild dropkick gets nothing but turnbuckle as Briceland gets out of the way! And he’s on him like a panther as he corners Luni and lets loose a barrage of open handed slaps and knees! He’s really taking it to him! He pulls him out of the corner and here’s a rolling elbow smash that floors Luni!

RR: Wicked stuff from Briceland!

BR: He picks him up … he has him hooked with a waist lock and here’s a German Suplex backwards! Luni was almost dumped on his head!

RR: At least we know it’ll do the least amount of damage there!

BR: Briceland picks up the limp Luni and whips him into the ropes but Luni collapses on the way over … that suplex must have taken a lot out of him.

RR: Briceland over to pick Luni up but Luni pulls the tights and shoots Briceland to the floor! Look out … Luni’s going to fly!

BR: Springboard to the top, he turns and MOONSAULTS TO THE FLOOR! Both Luni and Briceland collide into the safety rail, Briceland inside the rail and Luni now in the crowd!

RR: Briceland is hurt … he didn’t expect that …

BR: He’s starting to get up though … look out for Luni though! Luni with a running start hops on a chair and flies over the safety rail with a shoulder block that sends Briceland into the steps! What impact!

RR: Luni is completely insane!

BR: Luni sends Brice back into the ring and scales the top rope … GUILLOTINE LEG DROP! For the cover:

1!
2!
Briceland is up!

RR: Wow. What intestinal fortitude!

BR: Luni dumps Briceland to the outside again. He’s … going out to the apron on the other side?

RR: What is he doing … Briceland is starting to get up on the other side of the ring from Luni on the outside …

BR: Luni springboards to the top rope and hops to the adjacent rope! TWO STEPS AND HE FLIES … WHAT HEIGHT!!! BUT BRICELAND MOVES! CRASH AND BURN!

RR: OH MY GOD!

BR: Luni with a spectacular move … I don’t even know what to call it … but he missed and he missed badly and he landed ribs first on the safety rail on the floor. Luni is trying to stand and Briceland just rolls him in the ring. This match is over folks. Briceland for the cover:

1!
2!
3
Luni kicks out?!

RR: OH MY GOD! After that missed spot? He’s got to have some sort of injury.

BR: Briceland hooks both arms behind Luni’s back and here’s a bridged Tiger Suplex:

1!
2!
3!

Briceland wins, but give credit to Luni for innovating a new move and surviving it.

RR: there’s no doubt about that.

BR: Alright … apparently now Sean Shanoski and Chad Foster are on the campus of MIT!

RR: Where are they? They’re in some building … and Shanoski rams Foster right into that door! Shanoski turns on the lights and we are in a classroom! Shanoski picks Foster up and slams him down on a desk!

BR: Shanoski is just mauling Foster! He picks him up and he rams him right into the chalkboard! How can Foster stand?

RR: Shanoski’s not done … he throws him back into the hallway! They’re headed toward some stairs … oh god … how did they get on the second floor?

BR: Shanoski rams Foster into the wall again! He’s getting ready with Foster again and he whips him right into the cameraman! OH NO! Foster and the cameraman both fall down the stairs! We’ve lost the feed again!

RR: This is absolutely insane! Let’s take another break.

Fang versus Mondonno

RR: And apparently, Dirk Ryan wants a little piece of the announcers table, because not only has he come down to ringside, unannounced, but he's also kicked Bobby out. Welcome to Beyond Reason Dirk.

DR: Hey Dick, this is pretty much my show. I'll do whatever the hell I want. It’s almost a shame Foster had to come back, I had some big plans.

RR: Dirk, please call me Richard. It’s much more professional.

DR: Come on, it can be the Dirk and Dick show. You of course will be playing the part of the dick.

RR: Hahaha, lets all have a fun joke at Richard's expense. We do have a match to call, you realize that don't you, this job isn't all fun and games.

DR: It should be if your name is Dick. But you're right, I'm out to call a match. Lets bring out our contestants, shall we? I do believe Fang gets the call first.

RR: Yeah, I've heard a lot of good things about him, but he's not on Foster's good list right now. I guess he left him high and dry last week.

DR: Eh, I've seen him wrestle in an old federation, the guy can kick some serious ass. And as far as Foster goes....fuck 'im.

RR: And where is Fang? His music is playing … but … oh here he comes, he has to have his wife Violet show him the way.

DR: And wrestling him will be a man notorious for his wrestling skills, Mike Mondonno.

RR: You didn't research this match at all. You know nothing about BRETT Mondonno,
do you?

DR: I know if he didn't bring his A game, he's gonna have his ass handed to him. At least he's got a chick leading him down. Of course, she's no Melissa. But then, nobody on this earth compares to Melissa.

RR: And the bell rings and we're off. The men do a little circle around each other, waiting for the other guy to make the first move.

DR: Nice calling Dick, why don't you sit over there for a while. A tie-up by the two gentlemen in the ring.....still tied up looking for the all important advantage. Fang comes out the winner there, taking Mondonno into a headlock.

RR: Dirk, please call me Richard. Oh wow, Fang is really twisting that headlock, Mondonno's head looks like its going to pop right off. Mondonno gets a small running start and hits one of the ropes. He is able to push Fang off to the other side. Fang comes running back....He leaps at Mondonno, but is caught in mid air.

DR: Isn't it a bit early to be trying those high risk maneuvers? I mean, its not like he's going to be stunned or anything?

RR: And while Dirk was giving us all some wonderful wisdom, Mondonno slams Fang down on his knee. That had to hurt.

DR: Dick, you're just asking for an asskicking. Fang rolls around on the ground for a second, but he's bouncing back up. He's a tough guy, he's not going down that easy.

RR: A slap to the face by Mondonno. My god, he just slapped Fang. How humiliating.

DR: Yeah, but look at Fang, he's just standing there, looking at Mondonno. The slap didn't effect him at all. Trust me, you cannot play mind games with this guy.

RR: Mondonno slaps him again, and Fang just wipes the side of his face. I think Mondonno is a little undone by the fact that he isn't winning the mental war here.

DR: But a kick to the gut by Mondonno doubles Fang over. He should have struck back. Mind games won't win the match alone. Unless of course, its me playing the mind games. Mondonno with some backhand slaps to Fang's chest sends him into a corner.

RR: Dirk, do you think anyone has a bigger ego than you?

DR: If you only knew. Fang, by the way, has switched places with Mondonno and he is now the one slapping. He grabs Mondonno and whips him into the opposite corner. Mondonno hits with a thud and comes wobbling back out of the corner....and Fang nails him with a flying clothesline. Damn, he really connected.

RR: No kidding, I though Mondonno's head was going to fly off. Good lord. Fang isn't done yet. He's climbing to the top rope here....

DR: And he just sits there. FANG, JUMP!!! HIT HIM WHEN HE'S DOWN!!! Stupid
bastard is going to let Mondonno get ready for him. You can't waste time like this.

RR: BANG!! Fang just hit missile drop-kick from the top rope. Mondonno goes flying out to the floor. Whitney is running over to console him. He looks really shook up.

DR: I don't think Fang is done here. He's climbing to the top rope again. The showoff is going to either get himself killed or end this match quickly.

RR: Mondonno better realize where's he's at and soon. Whitney also doesn't appear to see Fang climbing the rope. This could get ugly.

DR: Dick, why do you always make interesting stuff like this match sound so cliche?

RR: He's there....A CORKSCREW PLANCHA!!! And he didn't touch Whitney. What
aim. Fang just took off and even though Whitney was in contact with Mondonno, Fang didn't even touch her. What a nice guy.

DR: Yeah, but he sure as hell got Mondonno. That guy might not wake up until next week.

RR: Good point Dirk, but it looks like Fang may have caught a bit of it himself. In his attempt to miss Whitney he may have missed his mark by just a touch. He appears to be holding his left leg.

DR: He's a tough guy. Just roll Mikey in there and pin him. He's taken a severe beating in this short time.

RR: Not going to be that easy. Both men struggle to their feet. BRETT Mondonno is obviously the more shook up of the two, but Fang also seems to be a bit hesitant.

DR: Mondonno must smell blood in the water. He just side swiped Fang's left knee, sending him crashing to the ground. And he's not wasting any time. He grabs Fang by the hair and pulls him up. He's got Fang running toward the ring post...

RR: Fang reverses it, Mondonno gets tossed into the ringpost. Good God, Mondonno is taking his share of tough hits tonight, isn't he?

DR: Sure is Dick, and this one is going to smart just as much as the rest of them. Fang rolls Mondonno back into the ring. And again, Fang feels it necessary to climb to that damn top rope again. I'm not even sure how much he's used the top rope before tonight, but he's getting well aquatinted with it this match.

RR: And once again, he's waiting for Mondonno to get to his feet.....Mondonno is up, he is turning around...Fang leaps....

DR: He's going for the Hurracanranna from the top rope.....Mondonno catches him. Fang has his legs wrapped around Mondonno's neck and is pounding on his head...

RR: Jesus Harold Christ...Mondonno just powerbombed Fang. Both men are down once again.

DR: Fang went to the well one to many times and it really cost him. If Mondonno was in any shape to make a cover, the match could be over. Unfortunately, Mondonno has been beaten on worse tonight than the Kansas City Royals, and he also isn't moving.

RR: And since both men are down and out right now, I'd like to take this opportunity to remind Dirk that he's a guest here, and should treat me with respect.

DR: And since nobody really gives a rat's ass what Dick thinks, I'm going to go back to calling the match. Both men, very slowly get back to their feet. Man, we've seen some wild action already here tonight, haven't we Dick.

RR: I refuse to comment until you refer to me with my professional name.

DR: Ok, because Dick has decided to act like a little child, I'll be calling the rest of the match. Fang regains momentum first and sends Mondonno into the opposite ropes. Fang sets up for a back body drop, but is showing his hand way to early...Mondonno has plenty of time to kick Fang right in the face. Damn, that looks like it hurts, eh Dick?

RR: I don't know Dirk, what do you think.

DR: What a little bitch. Anyway, Mondonno snaps Fang over with a suplex, and
it looks like we have a cover...

1!........

2!....Kickout at two.

RR: Wow, that was closer than I was expecting. But Mondonno wastes no time in picking Fang up. Throwing him to the opposite rope and picks him up over his head...

DR: A gorilla press slam perhaps??? NO, Fang drops out of it, goes to a knee, and shoves Mondonno into the ropes...

RR: BREAKING POINT!!!! Mondonno's back sounds like it just snapped in two.

DR: Fang lays on Mondonno, this should be elementary.

1!

2!

3!!!!

DR: And there it is folks, Fang pulls out the victory. I don't know about you Dick, but that finisher seemed to come from no where. It was as if Fang was toying with him and had gotten tired of it.

RR: Mondonno put up a heck of a fight, but Fang just happened to be the better man tonight. And please, pretty please with cream on top, leave me alone.

DR: No chance Dick. Well, Fang is making his way to the back as Whitney is in the ring helping Mondonno to his feet. And I think I'-

RR: Hold on a second, someone is sprinting down to ringside....ITS FREEMAN!!!

DR: Holy ThunderRider, Freeman is here, and he looks like he's pissed. He just shoved Whitney away and has picked up Mondonno...

RR: HE JUST POWERBOMBED MONDONNO!!! What an asshole. Mondonno just got
powerbombed....oh no, he's pointing at Whitney. He wouldn't dare, would he?

DR: I'm pretty sure he dared last week. He's got her by the hair. And it looks like she's going for the ride....

RR: WAIT, FANG IS BACK!!! He just nailed Freeman in the back of the knee with
a chopblock. He's saved Whitney for the moment.

DR: And just like that, Fang has tossed him from the ring. And the day is saved. Freeman is standing at ringside glaring at Fang. Mondonno is still out on the mat. Whitney is hiding behind Fang, and we've got to go to a commercial. I'll see you later folks..

Ragnarok versus Mecca

BR: This is a grudge match of epic proportions. These two have fought under different names, different lives, and different eras. Or so we’ve been able to gather. To tell the truth, I really have no idea what either of these guys ever say. But we know that they don’t like each other, and when they fought most recently in XPW, Ragnarok fell and lost the XPW World Heavyweight Title.

RR: This will be an exciting match up. And well, here comes Gabriel Ragnarok to a decent ovation. He’s been out of action because of that sword-swallowing incident …

BR: Doesn’t his sword have a name too? I don’t know …

RR: Well, whatever the name, He's a talented performer without it. Remember how he took Axel Reed to the limit in the PPV for the US title.

BR: I do ... that was a fantastic match.

BR: Well, here comes Mecca, and he looks equally as focused as Ragnarok. They are staring an mile right through each other. And here’s the lockup! No doing and they both back off … Again! And again they throw each other off.

RR: It’s like two mastodons hooking horns!

BR: Ragnarok with a kick to the gut. Big Elbow to the back of the head. Here’s the whip and Mecca ducks a big boot. He hooks Ragnarok and here’s a side Russian Legsweep down!

RR: Impressive.

BR: Ragnarok is down and Mecca is just pouring on with elbow drops! Another! Another! Another! Mecca up and here’s a standing legdrop that decapitates Ragnarok! For the cover:

1!
2!
Ragnarok is up.

RR: Look to the entranceway … it’s Marcus Payne and Shane Erikson … they’ve got signs! “Let’s Mecca Deal!” “Wyatt Wallace is Awesome!” “Ragnarok is Grrrrreat!”

BR: It’s distracting Mecca a bit right now … he turns around and here’s a two-handed chokeslam for Mecca! Ragnarok for the cover:

1!
2!

Mecca’s out. Ragnarok hooks a waistlock and he lifts Mecca up in a gutwrench powerbomb and drops him.

RR: Impressive show of strength there.

BR: Ragnarok lifts Mecca but Mecca fights back with shots to the gut and here’s a rake to the eyes. Mecca bounces Ragnarok off the ropes and catches Raggy with a kick to the gut, followed by a kick to the back of the leg that takes him down to one knee, now a right to the face, a left, and now a Mafia kick and Ragnarok is down … that was real stiff!

RR: That mafia kick looked brutal! Who’s coming out of the crowd? It’s LUNI!

BR: Luni is climbing up to the top rope but Mecca sees him! He hits the ropes and Luni is crotched on the top! Mecca backs up and here’s another Mafia kick to Luni and Luni crashes to the floor …

RR: But Ragnarok is back up! He hooks Mecca from behind and he lifts him up into the air with a backdrop suplex!

BR: Mecca landed real hard! He lifts Mecca and he puts him on the top rope … He’s going for the Lucifuge!

RR: Luni’s back up! He’s in the ring and he charges Ragnarok! Ragnarok back body drops Luni up and out of the ring!

BR: They’re taking turns dodging Luni! Mecca rakes the eyes of Ragnarok … he’s got him hooked … TORNADO DDT! By Mecca! Wow! He goes for the cover but the ref is distracted by Luni! Mecca goes over and grabs Luni by the hair! He shoves the ref aside and Luni throws some white powder into Mecca’s eyes! Mecca staggers back and walks right into Ragnarok! Ragnarok hooks him … LUCIFUGE! For the cover:

1!
2!
3!

Ragnarok wins!

RR: What the hell was Luni doing trying to get at both of them like that … get him out of here!

BR: Hold on … another cameraman has caught up to Shanoski and Foster! They’re brawling on the subway and they are headed back here!

RR: That’s completely mad! Foster is getting destroyed! I bet he wishes he was still in the woods!

BR: Shanoski is ramming Foster’s face into all the windows! Shanoski is mopping the floor with Foster’s face! Foster is a bloody mess …

RR: Shanoski is looking for something for something to smack Foster with, but there’s nothing around but very shocked people!

BR: The subway is stopping and the doors are opening! Shanoski throws Foster right out! They’re in the station and … my God … they’re at the Brookline station! They’re a hop, skip and a jump to Paul Revere!

RR: Shanoski throws Foster right through a DKNY ad! That was Whitney on that ad! And Shanoski picks Foster up and whips him right over a few benches!

BR: What’s Shanoski doing? He grabs Foster … he’s going to whip him into the open track of the subway! That’ll kill him!

RR: The cameraman is doing the right thing here by not letting Shanoski do that. As much as we all enjoy Chad getting beat up, he doesn’t deserve to die.

BR: That pissed off Shanoski! Shanoski just decked the cameraman! We’ve lost the feed again!

RR: This is starting to make me mad! Let’s take another break and as soon as we can get another camera on them, we’ll get it.

Jarred Matthews versus Tommy Kain

BR: Well, next up is our captain’s match … Jarred Matthews of the World Tag Team champions takes on “Too Cool” Tommy Kain. We’d like to welcome the partners of these two men to do color commentary … so without further adieu, here comes Jamal Jameson and Damon Damani.

RR: And here comes the Future Shock … but where’s Jameson? He didn’t walk out on Matthews, did he?

BR: Hi Damon, welcome. Have a seat.

DD: Glad to be here. Where’s that punkass partner of Matthews’?

BR: We’re not sure, but let’s go to the ring and welcome Tommy Kain!

RR: And here comes the Cool One, and he slides into the ring … he’s got his fans.

DD: Take a look at Tommy Kain there. He's a great partner. He's Mr. Cool around the ring, but he's all business when he steps inside.

BR: And here comes one half of the Tag Team Champions of the World, The Franchise, Jarred Matthews!

RR: And Kain’s on him the minute he gets into the ring! Kain is whipping him with lefts and rights! Here’s a whip into the ropes and he nails Matthews right away with the Tommy Gun! Matthews is grabbing at his throat as Kain measures him and drops a legdrop right across the throat! For the quick win:

1!
2!
Matthews is up.

BR: Matthews starts to fight back but Kain shuts him down with a boot to the gut, a hook and now here’s a Fisherman’s suplex … make it a Fisherman’s Buster! For the cover:

1!
2!
Matthews is up!

RR: Kain is all offense here. Here’s a whip into the ropes and Kain hits a kick to the gut. Off the ropes himself and here’s a bulldog down!

BR: Kain is letting Matthews get to his own feet and he hooks a waistlock … Powerbomb and he rolls through!

1!
2!
3
Matthews is up!

DD: I sort of feel sorry for Jarred. Not only does he have a lame partner in Mr. Jameson, but he also hangs with that jalonie group, The Outlawz. Being around those guys, would make oneself think he is so GrrrrrGreat. Too bad he’s getting his ass beat in right now.

RR: But he’s taking everything Kain is dishing out and still getting up …

BR: Kain signals it’s over … Could it be Party Crasher time? He lifts Matthews up for the DVD but Matthews slides over and nails a reverse DDT!

RR: What a move!

DD: Whatever.

BR: Matthews has Kain in position, Jenny throws in a chair … he’s going to go for the Triple Jump Moonsault! Off the ropes, off Kain, off the chair, off the ropes Moonsault but Kain moves! Matthews lands on his feet but is plowed by a Kain clothesline to the back of the head! What a move!

RR: Kain is really celebrating that one as the ref moves the chair out of the ring … a huge move for Tommy Kain …

BR: Kain is waiting for Matthews to stand up … he’s going to be going for the SOS!

DD: You see the problem with Jarred, is that he thinks he's the "Franchise", but all that doesn't matter when you have to step in the ring and take a look at the "Future" straight in the eyes.

BR: Matthews is up and Kain has him! OOH! Trick knee!

RR: There’s the universal reversal … we’ve seen that a few times tonight.

BR: Matthews whirls and a crescent kick takes Kain off his feet!

RR: Matthews is hurt, no doubt about it, but he’s bought himself some time.

BR: Kain is back to his feet and he lifts Matthews but Matthews sweeps the legs! Off the ropes and he nails the getting up Kain with a flying forearm! Kain is getting up again and a spinning kick takes him down! Matthews Springs to the top rope with a split legged moonsault!

1!
2!
Kain escapes!

DD: Now, if y’all would excuse me …

BR: Damon Damani has left the commentary table and … wait a minute … Richard Speck … He’s pushed Rich Ramirez out of his seat! Rich doesn’t know what to do … Sorry Rich …

RS: Keep your eye on the match … Damani has that chair!

BR: Right Mr. Speck … Here’s the whip but Kain reverses and Matthews goes into the ropes and Damani nails Matthews in the back !

RS: That sounded like a gunshot from so many years before …

BR: Kain lifts Matthews up for the DVD … no! He pushes Kain into the corner! Damani is getting into the ring with the chair! JM-ASSACRE ON DAMANI! Damani is out!

RS: That reminded me of another gunshot from so many years before …

BR: Matthews has the chair but Kain dropkicks it into his face! The ref is going to let it go as inadvertent …

RS: Yeah right.

BR: Matthews is dazed and here’s a pick up … Party Crasher DVD! For the cover:

1!
2!
3!

Tommy Kain wins … but if Jamal Jameson were here, maybe the odds would have been more even.

BR: and as the Revolution leaves the ring, OH MY GOD! Foster and Shanoski are in the crowd! Shanoski just dumped Foster over the railing! He’s getting him in the ring! Foster is a bloody mess! Shanoski stands over him as Foster lays helpless and the crowd is cheering on the hardcore icon in his sadistic state! He calls for it, and he slaps Foster into the STF! The oneway ticket to hell! Foster is screaming! HE QUITS! Ring the bell! Foster quits and Shanoski is the winner!

RS: Well, Foster got what he deserved for not giving me my T-shirt and giving one to that no good Rich Ramirez.

BR: Hold on … Shanoski isn’t done with Foster … he’s got him up on the apron in front of us … he’s not … he’s got Foster up! Look out! AGENT ORANGE THROUGH THE TABLE! Oh no, Foster landed on Richard Speck! Oh god … Shanoski’s not done with Foster! He’s dragging him out back into the crowd! We’ve got a main event to get to, so since this match is over, we’ll let them go … Here comes the security to break them up … Shanoski is attacking all of them! He wants Foster to suffer … they’re out the door and we’ll follow if something crazy happens … how can Foster even stand at this point? We’ll take a break and get Richard Speck back to some medical assistance.

Payne versus Reed

BR: Well, we’ve got Rich Ramirez back and it’s time for our main event … what? There’s something going on in the back?

RR: It’s Jamal Jameson and Jarred Matthews!

JM: Where were you? I was getting double-teamed out there and you don’t even care? We’re the tag champs! I know I have to carry your sorry ass but dammit, I need someone to watch my back!

JJ: Fuck you. Fuck your conceited ass and fuck these tag titles … I’m out of here …

BR: OH! Matthews just nailed Jameson from behind with the tag belt! He sits Jameson down on a chair … JM-ASSACRE with the tag belt! Jameson is a bloody mess …

RR: I think we just saw the tag team champs self-destruct. It’s sad really …

BR: Well, let’s get to our main event!

RR: Wait a minute … that’s “Ain’t it Fun” … that’s Shane Erikson’s music! Here comes the Showstopper, the Equalizer, the man with the title shot next week!

BR: Things get more interesting by the minute here in the UWC. Welcome to the announce table, Shane.

Shane: Its great to be allowed at ringside to do some color commentary. Yeah right . .. you know that it's your pleasure.

BR: I guess it is.

RR: Well let’s bring out the challenger … the UWC US Champion, Axel Reed!

BR: He looks great, although it’s been reported that he had the flu all week.

RR: but he looks like one mean mother-

Shane: Shut your mouth!

BR: And here comes the UWC World Champion, the one and only Marcus Payne!

RR: The crowd loves Marcus Payne … almost as much as they love you Shane.

Shane: I will have my opportunity next week to get my belt back. Yeah, I'm not happy
that I have to fight Payne again. But Axel isn't going to win this match. But I want my title back. And I will do whatever needs to be done to be the UWC World Champion again.

BR: Look out! Reed is all over Payne to start the match! He’s going right after the shoulder! Clubbing blows on the shoulder that was injured at the UWC World Title Tournament several weeks ago. It’s looked fine recently, but if an attack is focused on it, I don’t see how it can withstand it!

RR: Payne is crumpling beneath this attack, and here’s a whip into the ropes and Reed bends down for a back body drop! Kick to the jaw! Kick to the gut! One more to the chest to stand him up and here’s a springboard and a twist into the Thorazine Shuffle Somersault Neckbreaker!

BR: What a move! He’s letting Reed get to his feet and here’s a spinning neckbreaker to take him down again!

RR: Reed takes to the floor after that … that was a great onslaught of offense from the World Champion.

BR: Is Payne going to follow? Reed grabs Payne’s legs and drags him to the floor! He’s hammering him with lefts and rights! He whips Payne into the guard rail and he hits hard … here’s running clothesline and he puts Payne into the crowd!

RR: Reed is no slouch at all. Reed’s recovering a bit … he took a beating inside the ring …

BR: Payne’s on his feet and Reed rakes the eyes. He pulls Payne back over the rail and puts him in a hammerlock and he rams him shoulder first into the ring post! That’s how he originally injured it so many weeks ago! Reed is going to do it again!

RR: Oh, if that shoulder isn’t properly healed yet, it could be hurt real bad!

BR: Reed throws Payne back into the ring and he’s measuring him … Single arm DDT!

RR: That’ll separate a shoulder …

BR: Reed is all over him like a cheap suit! He’s just kicking and stomping and punching and trying to hurt that shoulder more …

RR: You know he’s just setting up the Straightjacket … it might separate Payne’s Shoulder again if he gets it …

BR: Payne’s starting to fight back … here’s a punch to the gut … and another … but Reed rakes the eyes. He bounces off of the ropes and Payne has him with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker! That hurt Payne’s shoulder though.

RR: Nice come back … this is a good match!

Shane: After the match I just put on with Payne last week, you just can't compare this
match. I mean Axel is good, but he is no Showstopper.

BR: Payne lifts Reed up … he’s going to go for a Michinoku Driver … the Payne Driver ‘99! But Reed rolls through … kick to the gut! DESTRUCTION DRIVER! We could have a new champion!

RR: What are you doing Shane … he’s … holding up a sign … it says, “Just give me by belt back.”

BR: Reed isn’t too happy about this … he’s jawing with Erikson now!

Shane: lay down already. Let Payne win so I can beat him next week.

BR: Reed is incensed! Payne from behind with a roll up!

1!
2!
Reed kicks out and kicks Payne right back down again. He’s staring you down, Shane …

Shane: I’m so scared.

BR: Reed’s calling for it … the Straightjacket! Armbar takedown … Wait … Payne with a drop toe hold out of that and he’s got his own version of the Straightjacket on Reed! Reed is in trouble!

RR: But Reed isn’t too far from the ropes … he got it!

BR: Payne has to release the hold … he lifts Reed up but Reed with a quick jawbreaker! Payne holds his jaw and is easy prey to be lifted up and cradled … CRADLE DDT!

RR: WOW! We may have a new champion!

BR: For the win:

1!
2!
3
Payne kicks out!

RR: Oh for the love of GOD! I thought we had a new champion!

BR: So did Reed … He’s got Payne up in a back drop and he puts him on the top rope, back facing the ring … He’s going for the Straight to Hell, the Top Rope Reverse DDT! IF he hits it … it’s over!

RR: Reed follows …

BR: Payne fights back! He backflips out from the turnbuckle and lands behind Reed on the second rope! He grabs him in an almost torture rack hold … he swings him down with an INVERTED DEATH VALLEY BOMB! What a move! For the cover:

1!
2!
3!

Marcus Payne wins! He retains the World Title!

RR: Remember, the US title was not up for grabs in this match.

BR: Well Shane, good luck in your world title match for next week.

Shane: Thank you.

RR: And it appears that we....

BR: Oh jeez, that's More Human Than Human kicking up and Dirk Ryan is at the entrance way. He looks like he's coming down to ringside.

RR: Oh son of a bitch, I hope he comes over here, I'll give him a good kick in the ass.

BR: Right, fortunately for Dirk I guess, he's getting into the ring. And, just like any other idiot, he has a microphone.

RR: We need to stop giving away mics, this is ridiculous. Say your piece Dirk, lets get this over with.

DR: And again, I am here to send us off. Folks, I realize Foster is still wrestling right now, and that's fine. But I have some comments for him to see when he's done with Shanoski. You see, I did some thinking while he was out in the woods trying to get some. And I came to the realization that Foster can't really do anything to me. I mean, I've set it up so that he can't fire me. There is no way in hell that Foster could ever hurt me. And because he's so socially inept, he would never intimidate me. So basically, I've decided
that I will now take over this federation. Sure, Foster gets to keep his ownership, but I think it would be best if I was the one making all the calls around here. Foster has no one who can stop me. Trust me, I've seen every single wrestler here, and he's got no one who is ever going to give me a challenge. Sorry guys, but not a single one of you are up to my standards. So pretty much, Foster is left with his hands tied.

RR: My god, this guy is really full of himself.

DR: Nobody here can stop me. Nobody has ever gotten the best of Dirk Ryan in his career. And I there is not a single man who I would ever be afraid to take on. Nobody!!!

BR: ...with that, "Tearin' Up My Heart" by N'Sync fires up...the crowd looks
towards the entrance way, as Dirk stops running his mouth, and Chad looks as
well...out comes a man, standing about 6 feet tall, looking about 235 pounds
in weight, sleek black hair, black karate-looking pants on.

RR: You've got to be kidding me.

Guy: Dirk, the FMC thinks you may have just written a check that your scrawny
ass can't cash. DEAN McGRATH IS BACK, BITCH!!

RR: DIRK RYAN LOOKS LIKE HE'S JUST SEEN A GHOST!!!

BR: What’s that? Shanoski and Foster are at Fenway?!

RR: Oh my God! Shanoski is going to try and take Foster into Fenway IN THE MIDDLE OF A RED SOX GAME!

BR: The Red Sox are taking on the Oakland A’s in an important game with Wild Card implications … If they go in there … it’ll cause a national scene!

RR: Shanoski rams Foster into the outside wall of Fenway! They’re going around the corner to the entrance! Keep up with them!

BR: Shanoski just flew out from behind the corner! HE’S OUT! Foster can’t even stand … what happened … OH MY GOD!

RR: IT’S DEAD ED!

BR: DEAD ED IS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RR: HE’S STANDING OVER BOTH FOSTER AND SHANOSKI!

BR: We’re out of time! Next week Payne versus Erikson III! IT’S DEAD ED!!!!!!!!

RR: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!

The Dead Ed Project Day Five

2005-02-14T22:14:00.000-08:00

September 5, 1:16 P.M.

[Rich Ramirez is at the Burkittsville Police Station. He walks up to the desk, where a receptionist sits idly. He’s equipped with a spy cam on his lapel.]

RR: Hi. I was called by a Detective Marvin?

Receptionist: Hold on … can you get Don?

[There’s a commotion, and then an African-American man of imposing stature walks in. He and Rich confer, and they go back into a conference room.]

RR: So you found this guy wailing in the woods and you think it’s one of the people missing?

Detective Marvin: Yeah. We’ve been looking for your friends all week, and today this psychopath hopped up on some serious mushrooms stumbled upon us. He’s in the drunk tank by himself right now, but he’s fairly incoherent.

RR: Who is it?

DM: We’re not sure. No ID, couldn’t restrain him good enough to get fingerprints. We decided to let him just throw up all the mushrooms in his stomach before interrogating him. He’s our prime suspect. He had the satellite uplink you said your friends were using. We have no idea about the house … We’ve taken the chopper up but we haven’t seen anything. We’ve got teams searching, but we haven’t found anything. The key to this whole puzzle is in that drunk tank, and we can’t get him to crack.

RR: Do you think he did it?

DM: I don’t know. We can’t get him to crack. As far as we know, he’s been stuck in the woods, subsisting solely on those mushrooms, and subsequently he’s been on a 3 or 4 day trip. He’s completely out of it. His hallucinations have become reality. He could have done it and have no idea.

RR: Can I see him?

DM: Well, he’s been a little out of control. If I let you see him, I’ll have to pretend I didn’t let you.

RR: I understand.

DM: If anything happens, you sneaked back there.

RR: I understand.

DM: Okay … let’s go. I need you to make him come back to reality.

[Detective Marvin takes Rich to the cells. There’s one cell with a large door at the end of the hall. There’s a bit of thrashing going on beyond the portal. Detective Marvin stops in front of this door.]

DM: Alright, I’ll be out here. Knock and tell me when you’re done.

RR: Thank you Detective.

[Rich backs off as the Detective turns the key and opens the door. Rich slips into the room as Marvin quickly closes the door. Before him is something so feral, so … non-human that he feels as if his eyes deceive him. It’s Mike, but it … it’s almost not … he’s squatting on the floor, surrounded by his own piss and shit and vomit. His clothes are in tatters, and he’s completely disheveled.]

RR: Mike … are you okay?

[Mike merely rocks back and forth from one foot to the other.]

RR: Mike … where are Chad and Melissa?

[Mike is still rocking.]

RR: Mike …

Mike: THEY LEFT ME!

[he springs up and grabs Rich by the lapels and tosses him onto the bed, which has been stained by vomit.]

Mike: They left me. I called and called but they didn’t come back.

RR: I’m sorry.

Mike: They left me.

RR: Do you know what happened to them?

Mike: ….

RR: They went into a house and disappeared … you found the uplink and sent out the final tape. They think you did it. They think you killed them. Did you do it, Mike?

Mike: They left me.

RR: Did you do it?

Mike: They left me.

RR: They can’t release you until they find out what happened. You’re the prime suspect.

Mike: …

RR: What happened?

Mike: …

RR: Dammit Mike, what happened?!

Mike: He was out to get us. He split us up.

RR: Who did?

Mike: …

RR: Mike, who split you up?

Mike: you need to talk to me. I’m not me anymore.

RR: What? Mike, I don’t understand.

Mike: I’m gone. I don’t know where I am.

RR: I need you to focus. Tell me what happened to Chad.

Mike: Chad’s bad. Melissa’s more. Melissa. Melissa. Melissa.

RR: Okay … simple question. Where did you find the uplink?

Mike: At the house!

RR: Where is the house?

Mike: In the woods.

RR: Where?

Mike: In the woods.

RR: We need to know where the house is so we can find Chad and Melissa.

Mike: Melissa Melissa Melissa!

RR: Okay … did you do it, Mike? Did you call to Chad and Melissa?

Mike: YES! They left me!

RR: Did you lure them into the house?

Mike: THEY LEFT ME!

RR: Did you hurt them?

Mike: They left me …

RR: Did you kill them?

Mike: They … they left me.

[with grim resignation, Rich knocks on the door. The question’s been answered.]

RR: Let me out Detective Marvin.

[the door creeps open, but Detective Marvin isn’t opening it. Rich peeks out, and he can’t find the detective.]

RR: Detective Marvin?

[Rich closes the door and discovers the detective, who is facing the corner …]

[THWUNK!]

[Rich hits the floor.]

[He’s being dragged away]

[The police station is empty. Rich’s spy cam can barely make out anything, but there is no movement, nobody around.]

[Rich is dragged all the way out the door and into the parking lot. Rich is picked up and shoved into the backseat of a police car. The only view is of the view from the window. His captor gets in the front and drives away.]

[The car is driving near the woods. It stops.]

[The door opens]

Voice #1: What does he know?

Voice #2: Nothing.

Voice #1: leave him here. I never want to see you again. Understood?

Voice #2: Understood.

[Rich is dragged out of the car and dropped. The car drives away.]

[the camera only sees the road and the woods beyond.]

[Rich begins to stir. He realizes he’s been left all alone on a dirt road … there are woods to either side. A car drives up. Rich waves them down and they stop …]

[It’s Chad and Melissa!]

Rich: CHAD! MELISSA! You guys are okay!

Chad: Rich! You have no idea what happened to us.

...
...
...
...

The Dead Ed Project Day Four

2005-02-14T22:12:00.000-08:00

September 4, 1:53 A.M.

[It is dark. There’s no moon tonight. The light on the camera shines directly onto Melissa’s teary face as she leans against a tree.]

Melissa: If … this is the last thing anyone ever hears from me, I want to let everyone know that I am sorry.

I’m sorry to Mike, who’s already dead.

I’m sorry to Chad, who I’ve always been mean to for no good reason. It’s my fault. I didn’t tell Chad to fill up the car; I didn’t tell him to take the right exit. I’m the one who crashed the car. I’m the one that’s been hampering this hike toward civilization by needing to take so many breaks. I’m the one that left the equipment behind. I’m the one that can’t stop talking about our doomed fate. I want everyone to know that I’m sorry.

I’m sorry to my ex-boyfriend. We had great times, and I wish I didn’t cheat on you with that chick.

I’m sorry to her for always choosing my ex-boyfriend over her. It wasn’t fair.

I’m sorry to the Killer. My night with you was the greatest night of my life.

I’m sorry to Dirk Ryan. I’ll never know what it was like.

I’m sorry to the fans of the UWC who wanted to see me in action.

I’m sorry to my parents; I didn’t want their life.

[sobbing]

Melissa: That’s all …

[and she reaches over and hits stop …]

September 4, 1999, 2:20 A.M.

[It is dark. There’s no moon tonight. The light on the camera shines directly onto Foster’s teary face as he leans against a tree.]

Foster: If … this is the last thing anyone ever hears from me, I want to let everyone know that I am sorry.

I’m sorry to Mike, who’s already dead.

I’m sorry to Melissa, who I’ve always been mean to for no good reason. It’s my fault. I didn’t fill up the car; I didn’t take the right exit. I’m the one who crashed the car. I’m the one that’s been hampering this hike toward civilization by not knowing which way to go. I’m the one that left the equipment behind. I’m the one that can’t stop talking about our doomed fate. I want everyone to know that I’m sorry.

I’m sorry to my ex-wife. We had great times, and I wish I didn’t cheat on you with that chick.

I’m sorry to her for always choosing my ex-wife over her. It wasn’t fair.

I’m sorry to Sean Shanoski. Our Boston Street Fight would have made my life.

I’m sorry to Dirk Ryan. He’ll have to carry on with the show without me …

I’m sorry to the fans of the UWC who wanted to see me in action.

I’m sorry to my parents; I didn’t want their life.

[sobbing]

Foster: That’s all …

[and he reaches over and hits stop …]

September 4, 1999, 3:33 A.M.

*CHAD! MELISSA!*

[Foster behind the lens shakes Melissa awake. Someone, something is calling them.]

*CHAD! MELISSA!*

Melissa: Mike? MIKE? MIKE!

*MELISSA!*

Melissa: It’s Mike! We’ve got to find him!

[Melissa gets up and starts running in an indeterminate direction]

Foster: Melissa … WAIT! Don’t run into the night like that! I’ve got a light on the camera!

[Foster chases Melissa in Shaky-vision]

*CHAD! MELISSA!*

[Melissa stops, allowing Foster to catch up with her]

Melissa: Where is he calling us from? Give me the camera!

[Melissa commandeers the camera from Foster, using the light to survey the area …]

*CHAD! MELISSA!*

Melissa: This way!

[She runs forward, Foster presumably behind]

*CHAD! MELISSA!*

*CHAD! MELISSA!*

[Melissa stops. Before her is a house … where no house in its right mind would be]

*CHAD! MELISSA!*

[Foster catches up]

*CHAD! MELISSA!*

Foster: He’s in there! Let’s get him and get the fuck out of here!

*CHAD! MELISSA!*

Melissa: No. I ain’t going in that house. No. I’m not.

*CHAD! MELISSA!*

Foster: He’s calling us! He needs our help!

*CHAD! MELISSA!*
*CHAD! MELISSA!*
*CHAD! MELISSA!*

Melissa: I’m not going.

Foster: Then I’ll go. Give me the camera. Stay close to a tree and keep your eyes open. I’ll be right back …

Melissa: Be careful.

Foster: A kiss for good luck?

Melissa: Just be safe.

[Foster takes the camera, focusing for one last split second on Melissa’s angel of a face, and then he’s off, into the house.]

*CHAD!*

[Foster enters the house, careful to avoid the various debris on the floor]

*CHAD!*

[Foster heads up the stairs into the darkness, the light on the camera his only guide.]

*CHAD!*

[Foster backtracks and races down the stairs and around the corner in the house. There are stairs here, leading down.]

*CHAD!*

[Foster takes the steps two at a time to the basement. He surveys it and finds it empty.]

[THWUNK!]

[The camera falls, going out of focus …]

*MELISSA!*

*MELISSA!*

*MELISSA!*

*MELISSA!*

*MELISSA!*

Melissa (just her voice): Chad? Mike?

*MELISSA!*

Melissa (louder): Chad?

*MELISSA!*

*MELISSA!*
*MELISSA!*
*MELISSA!*

Melissa: OH MY GOD …

[THWUNK!]

[Who uplinked this tape to the satellite?]

[How will it end?]

How will it end?

The Dead Ed Project Day Three

2005-02-14T22:10:00.000-08:00

September 3, 1999, 3:29 A.M.

OHMYGOD!

Melissa: WHATTHEFUCKISGOINGON?!

Mike: What the hell?

Melissa: Let’s get the fuck out of here!

[and they run, blindly into the night … camera shaking the whole way.]

Melissa: Hold on … where’s Chad?

Mike: He must have … he must be … still in the tent!

Melissa: Oh shit … what was that? That was so uncool.

Mike: I don’t know … listen … do you hear it?

Melissa: No … do you think it’s safe to go back?

Mike: I don’t know, but I don’t think we should leave Chad in there by himself …

Melissa: What was that?

Mike: I don’t know …

Melissa: did you get it on film?

Mike: I don’t know … it was dark.

Melissa: can’t you play it back?

Mike: Not in anyway we’d be able to discern anything. Let’s go back.

Melissa: I’m scared.

Mike: Me too.

[They retrace their steps, and their equipment has been strewn about the campsite, the tent deflated …]

Mike: OH SHIT!

Melissa: CHAD!

[Mike checks the satellite uplink equipment while Melissa digs through the tent to find Chad Foster, still in his sleeping bag, covers held high overhead]

Melissa: Are you okay, Chad?

[Foster slowly lowers the covers]

Foster: Melissa, you are an angel.

Melissa: I was so worried about you …

Foster: I was worried about you too … I hoped that they would take me instead of you …

Melissa: That’s so sweet …

[Foster sits up and leans over to kiss the kneeling Melissa …]

Melissa: Hey Mike? How’s the satellite uplink?

[and Foster lies back down, dejected. He pulls the covers over his head.]

Mike: I think we’re okay … let me try it to see if it works … god, what time is it?

[Mike turns the camera on himself again]

Mike: Dirk, we need you to come through for us man. There is somebody out here seriously fucking with us. Maybe it’s the shrooms we ate, maybe not. Maybe it’s our imagination, maybe not. Maybe we’re going insane. Who knows. All I know is that someone is seriously fucking with our heads and it ain’t cool. It’s what … 3:36 in the morning. We don’t need this. Dirk, send help. Anything you can.

Foster: Hey Mike, can I use that thing?

[Mike turns the camera on Foster]

Foster: Hey Shanoski, I might be out here in the woods getting the pants scared off of me …

Mike: Um, Chad, where are your pants?

Foster: But I haven’t forgotten about you. Yeah, I was a bit worried when I realized I signed the match between us. I realized that Boston Street Fights aren’t exactly my specialty. But you know what? I’m going crazy out here. Crazier than you. So, hell, bash me on the head. See if I care. Throw me out of a moving car. I’ll bite. I’ll keep coming back. You can’t stop me, Shanoski. I’m not scared anymore. I’ve learned on this little adventure that what doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger. And you know what? We’re going to make it back. And I am going to kick your ass. And there ain’t a damn thing you can do about it. I was “Wild” Chad Foster before this trip. What am I going to be when I come back?

Mike: Chad, I hate to burst your bubble, but we’re not any closer to being back than we were yesterday.

Foster: We can’t lose hope. Please. We can’t lose hope. Melissa, come over here … I think we should set up a watch through the night. We’ll take shifts and make sure no dipshit shows up to scare us. Sound good?

Melissa: Yeah.

Mike: Hey, I’ve got to do the uplink, so why don’t you guys fix the tent and I’ll be on watch. I’ll wake one of you guys up if I get too tired.

Foster: Okay. Sounds good. Be safe, Mike.

Mike: Yeah. Good night.

Melissa: Good night, Mike.

[and as Mike hits the stop button, Melissa hovers hesitantly, then disappears to help Foster with the tent and we are left with an endoftransmission..]

September 3, 1999, 8:05 A.M.

[The camera is very unsteady.]

Melissa: How does this damn thing work? Chad! Wake up! This thing is heavy …

[Melissa kicks at Foster in his sleeping bag. He blearily looks up at her]

Chad: What?

Melissa: Where’s Mike?

Chad: Mike? Isn’t he out there?

Melissa: no …

[Chad gets to his feet and surveys the area …]

Chad: MIKE!

Melissa: I already tried that. He won’t answer.

Chad: Is this some kind of joke? MIKE!

Melissa: He’s gone … I was wondering … he ate a lot of those mushrooms yesterday … what if they were poisonous?

Chad: You don’t think … MIKE!

Melissa: or whatever knocked over our tent last night might have gotten him …

Chad: He would have woken us up, wouldn’t he? We’d at least hear him struggle, right? I think he probably wandered off and threw up … he’s got to be nearby. MIKE! Should we wait for him to come back?

Melissa: What if whatever it was last night returns? I want to be as far from here as possible!

Chad: Maybe we should leave a trail for Mike to follow …

Melissa: Yeah, we’ll leave breadcrumbs so everybody knows where we are and can sneak up on us and kill us.

Chad: No one is going to kill us …

Melissa: which is why you were wetting your pants in the sleeping bag with the covers pulled over your head.

Chad: Well, what are we going to do?

Melissa: I guess we leave Mike behind … we can leave him his gear and pack up the uplink, the camera ourselves …

Chad: it’s going to be heavy …

Melissa: We can do it, we just might move slower this time …

Chad: I hope Mike’s okay.

Melissa: Me too. I’m scared.

Chad: Don’t be. We’ll be there soon.

Melissa: Where?

Chad: We’ll find Dead Ed … I can smell him.

Melissa: I don’t care about Ed. I want to go home.

Chad: Oh, but this is what we came here for! We will have our Ed!

Melissa: I don’t want to argue. I’m hungry, I’m tired and I’m scared. I just want to go home.

Chad: We’ll be there soon … I promise … put the camera down. I’ll find some more berries and we can pack up the tent and stuff and be on our way …

[Melissa turns the camera on herself]

Melissa: Dirk, I will fuck you if you get us the hell out of here.

[and that’s it … we fade to an endoftransmission .. without Mike, are Chad and Melissa doomed?]

September 3, 1999, 3:59 P.M.

[And we’re moving again … Melissa’s got the camera, and she spies Foster ahead, laboring with the uplink equipment. He turns and tries to appear upbeat, but the fatigue is evident.]

Melissa: Let’s take a break … we’ve got too much stuff to carry.

Foster: This is … hell.

Melissa: you’re telling me.

Foster: How are you holding up?

Melissa: I’m … I’m okay …

[Her eyes water, but she bites her lip. Foster puts his arm around her.]

Foster: It’ll be okay … Really, we’ve got to be close to something by now …

Melissa: you’re right …

[a snapped twig ends the silence]

Foster: what was that?

Melissa: Shh.

[another twig snaps]

Melissa: Where is it coming from?

[another twig snaps]

Foster: maybe it’s Mike … and he brought help …

Melissa: What if it’s what attacked our tent? What if it’s a bear or something?

Foster: There are no bears in Massachusetts. Give me the camera, I want to use the zoom …

[Melissa relinquishes the camera, and now a tree in the distance is in focus … Foster backs up and goes to a wider shot, finding Melissa’s eyes wide open, focused on something right behind him!]

[Foster whirls around, and a frightened deer knocks Foster down with his front hooves and runs off.]

Foster: Cocksucking son of a bitch!

[Foster gets up, camera and all, and chases after the deer in Shaky-vision.]

Melissa: WAIT! COME BACK! COME BAAACK!!!!!

[it’s obvious that Melissa is chasing Foster now]

Foster: I’m going to get you, you piece of shit!

Melissa: Chad, our stuff! Come back!

[The deer isn’t even in view anymore, and Foster collapses, exhausted]

[Heavy breathing]

[gasps for breath]

[labored breaths]

Melissa [breathing heavily as well]: Chad! Our stuff! I tried to grab it, but all I got was the satellite uplink, and I don’t even know if I got all of it!

[heavy breathing]

Melissa: Chad! Get up, this isn’t funny!

Foster: Will … you … marry … me … if we … get … out of this … mess?

Melissa: NO!

Foster: then let them kill me now …

Melissa: On your feet, buster, we need to get our stuff.

Foster: I need … I need to rest. Let me lay here … I’m going to eat a leaf.

Melissa: Eww. Well, give me the camera then. We might as well uplink while you’re flat on your back.

[And as Melissa hits stop … we hear Foster’s heart beating faster and faster, not from exertion, but from the realization that he is going to die …]

September 3, 1999, 8:01 P.M.

[Foster’s behind the lens, and, even in this horrid condition, he still insists on focusing his lens on Melissa’s posterior. She’s still wearing Mike’s white T-shirt and her camouflage shorts. Most importantly, she’s carrying the satellite uplink equipment in her arms, and she isn’t wearing a backpack. Judging by the cadence of Foster’s footfalls, neither is he.]

Melissa: Chad … it’s getting dark. We’re not going to find our stuff. What are we going to do without sleeping bags or a tent?

Foster: I don’t know …

Melissa: I mean … are we done? Done in by Mother Nature? Can we survive a night without shelter?

Foster: I’ve never, you know, slept under the stars. But … don’t people do that sort of thing all the time?

Melissa: But not in these woods …

Foster: The most fierce thing we’ve run into is a deer. I think we’ll be okay.
Melissa: But what destroyed our tent last night? Where’s Mike?

Foster: It’s okay … I’m sure there’s a rational explanation. A deer thought our tent had food … and Mike is wigged out on mushrooms … There … that explains it.

Melissa: How about a better explanation … Dead Ed is fucking with us and he’s going to fucking kill us like he’s killed Mike!

Foster: Why would he kill us?

Melissa: All the “Darkness” bullshit …Haven’t you been listening to the promos he was cutting?

Foster: um, yeah … but it’s a gimmick!

Melissa: A gimmick? Why is it that we’ve never met this guy face to face?

Foster: He wanted to be “mysterious.”

Melissa: And you let him? What kind of fool are you?

Foster: I don’t know … he seemed innocuous enough …

Melissa: He seemed innocuous enough … we’re going to die, because you thought a guy that refused to meet you in person was, in your opinion, “innocuous.” I’m going to die in the woods, and I’m going to die with you. Damn you, Chad Foster. Damn you. I’m going to broadcast this back to headquarters. Everyone will know what a retard you are. Everyone will know what a bumbling idiot you are. We may die here, but everyone will know just how pathetic Chad Foster is, was, and ever will be. When someone fucks up, they’ll be pulling a Foster. When things go wrong in stupid ways, Things will be getting all Fostered. Fuck you Chad Foster. Fuck you.

[And Melissa kills the camera. And it is dark. And it is cold. And it is almost over.]

The Dead Ed Project Day Two

2005-02-14T22:08:00.000-08:00

September 2, 1999, 2:57 A.M.

[And there’s some frantic rushing about … it’s dark … we’re inside a tent and Foster, Melissa and presumably Mike the Cameraman are all a bit frantic. In the distance, there’s something making quite a racket …]

Melissa: Hello?! Is there somebody out there?

[More noise … it sounds like someone is breaking twigs or something …]

Mike: Melissa, don’t go out there. You don’t know what kind of psychos are out there. There might be lunatics right out of Deliverance trying to scare us. Get back inside Melissa!

[More noise … ]

Melissa: HELLOOOOOOOOOOO?!
Mike: Where’s Chad?

Melissa: Oh my god. I don’t know … CHAD! CHAD! WHERE ARE YOU!

Mike: Melissa, hold on …

[Mike takes the camera back into the tent and finds a lump shivering ensconced in a sleeping bag. He pulls back the covers and Chad is whimpering and covering his face with his hands]

Chad: Are the bad people … gone?

[More noise]

Chad: ZOINKS!

[he quickly pulls the covers back over his head.]

Melissa: What time is it?

Mike: 3 A.M.

Melissa: Oh god …what kind of sicko does this to fuck with us?

Mike: I don’t know … it’s probably just some backwoods hicks like Billy Bob playing tricks on us … I don’t think we have anything to worry about …

Melissa: You don’t think we have anything to worry about?! Are you crazy?

Mike: Maybe, but I’m guessing it’s just some hick teenagers. Let’s stop giving them attention by freaking out and just go back to bed …

Melissa: … you’re probably right …

Mike: C’mon, there ain’t nothing to worry about. We’ll uplink in the morning and Dirk will know what’s happening to us and send someone to save us.

[Melissa sighs and huddles close to Mike, the camera once again focusing on her bosom as we fade to an endoftransmission …]

September 2, 1999, 7:02 A.M.

[It’s morning … Mike and Melissa are up, Foster still hiding underneath the covers of the tent. There are three rock piles outside the tent, inexplicably.]

Melissa: What the fuck is this? What the fuck is this?!

Mike: Maybe we just didn’t notice it before …

Melissa: Bullfuckingshit! There’s something or someone out to get us!

Mike: It’s just a coincidence … they’re just piles of rocks!

Melissa: And how did they get here! We’re screwed! We’re not only lost in the woods in who knows where, we’re not only cold, we’re not only hungry, but now someone is really fucking with our minds!

[Foster stumbles out of the tent …]

Foster: I’d like my coffee now Melissa …

Melissa: YOU FUCKING BASTARD!

[She gets a running start and spears him back into the tent, unloading lefts and rights onto the poor guy.]

Mike: Melissa! Stop! Get off of him … There’s no reason to freak out like this!

Foster: What did I do?

Melissa: Look at these! Where do you suppose these rock piles came from?

Foster: Um, you put them there?

[Melissa decks Foster and knocks him to the ground … again.]

Mike: Okay kids … let’s get camp packed up and let’s get the hell out of here … You know which way to go, right Chad?

Foster [holding his jaw]: Yeah, I think I know which way to go …

Melissa: We’re screwed …

Foster: [under his breath] Stupid whiny bitch …

Mike: Okay, I’m going to uplink while you guys pack up the tent and all our stuff … NO FIGHTING!

[Mike turns the camera on himself]

Mike: Dirk, we really need your help. I hope you have it in your heart to call the authorities and get us some help out here. We’re counting on ya, man.

[And he hits stop … and it’s all over but the screaming …]

September 2, 1999, 5:27 P.M.

[And Foster, Melissa and Mike, who is still holding the camera, are hiking in the woods in an indeterminate direction. Foster is in the lead, walking stick in hand, bravely leading the way. Behind, Melissa lags behind, weighed down a bit by the cumbersome backpack that might be taller than she is. And behind the camera, Mike is laboring, not only with the camera, but also with his own backpack and the satellite uplink equipment. Poor guy.]

Melissa: ARE WE THERE YET?!

Foster: Hey, there’s no reason to yell.

Melissa: Can we take a break? My feet are killing me!

Foster: Yes, I guess. I don’t think we’re far now.

Melissa: Really? Civilization is only a few miles away?

Foster: no, I mean, I think we’re doing good.

Melissa: What do you mean we’re doing good? That’s not even grammatically correct!

Foster: Well, then, we’re doing well.

Melissa: What is that supposed to mean? Are we closer to being saved or not?

Foster: It depends on your definition of “being saved.”

Melissa: We’re still lost aren’t we? Damn you.

Foster: Damn me? If you hadn’t jumped on me in the car, we wouldn’t have crashed!

Melissa: Yeah, but whose retarded ass forgot to fill the damn car up?

Foster: Oh give it a rest.

Melissa: You give it a rest you … you … you … wanker!

Foster: Wanker? That’s the best you can do?

[Melissa gets up and kicks Foster right in the chest spilling him over a log … unfortunately, it completely throws off her center of balance and the large backpack brings her crashing down. Mike helps Melissa up as Foster tries to right himself.]

Mike: Come on you two. There’s no reason to fight.

Melissa: But …

Mike: Not another word …

Foster: But …

Mike: you too.

[silence]

Mike: Where the hell are we … and what’s up with these trees?

[he pans up … and among the branches are …almost stick figure-like twigs. Head, arms, and legs and a little stick body … almost as if someone left them here to find …]

September 2, 1999, 6:47 P.M.

[And it’s … Rich Ramirez? He’s in Burkittsville Square, and he looks like he’s ready to speak … ]

RR: Hi folks. This is Rich Ramirez and I’m here to help find out the truth. I saw the tapes, and maybe Dirk Ryan doesn’t want to help, but I will.

I’ve notified the authorities, but they seem unconcerned. So, it looks like I’ll be doing my own investigating. I’m here in Burkittsville to find out about Dead Ed and what happened to Foster, Melissa and Mike the cameraman.

[An elderly man walks by]

Excuse me, sir? Have you heard of the legend of Dead Ed?

[he stops, thinks, and then replies.]

Man: Well, that’s the first I head that name in a long time. It seems that a long time ago, a while back, there was this guy, and he was this real evil dude. There were rumors of … you know, that Satanism stuff.

RR: I see.

Man: and the next thing you know, there’s rumors of that … you know, animal sacrifice and stuff like that, and then this girl starts shacking up with him … all sorts of bad stuff. That wasn’t too bad, until people started disappearing.

RR: People started disappearing?

Man: Yeah … and everyone knew that he did it, so one night, the people torched his house, where this Walmart now stands. Supposedly, he was in it. The girl he was shacking up with, well, she took off into the woods, never to be seen again.

RR: So that was it?

Man: not even close … People kept disappearing … without a trace. Their homes empty, often with the TV still on or something like that. No evidence, no nothing.

RR: But everyone knew who was behind it.

Man: Exactly. So they sent an angry mob into the woods to find him, and no one returned …

RR: This is incredible. What about the rumors that he’s been visiting a Boston independent wrestling promotion?

Man: I heard about that … it’s frightening … people started disappearing after he came into contact with them, right?

RR: Yes … first Eric Lee, and then Billy Bob … and now Chad Foster, Melissa and Mike …

Man: What happened to them?

RR: They went to find him … and now they’re missing in the woods …

Man: They’re as good as dead.

RR: Oh my god …

Man: Pray for their souls.

RR: Thank you … oh my …

[and as Richard Ramirez stands in shock, we fade out in 3, 2, 1]

September 2, 1999, 8:03 P.M.

Melissa: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE DON’T HAVE ANY FOOD?

Foster: Didn’t you pack it?

Melissa: Are you telling me we left all our food at the campsite?

Mike: That can’t be possible …

Foster: I swear, I saw you two packing it!

Mike: I didn’t …

Melissa: Oh, now you’re blaming it on me!

Foster: Well, if I didn’t pack it and Mike didn’t pack it, who should have done it?

Melissa: Well screw you Foster, it’s your fault we’re in this mess …

Foster: Y’know, I saw some stuff I saw that looked edible … You guys set up camp and I’ll go see what I can find for dinner … maybe some berries or something.

Mike: Be careful Chad, it’ll be dark soon.

Foster: Shut up! Light a fire so I can find you guys if it gets too dark …

[Foster leaves, eyes on the ground the whole time surveying for something edible]

Mike: I hope he doesn’t get lost …

Melissa: Screw him. We’re better off without him.

Mike: I guess we should set the camera on and set up camp. This is as good a spot as any.

Melissa: Aren’t you going to uplink?

Mike: in a bit. I want to show the world how we set up camp … I just think it belongs on this tape …

Melissa: I mean … aren’t you going to uplink me?

Mike: *gulp*

[The camera is set down as Mike and Melissa approach each other, lips meeting despite the dirt, despite the sweat, despite the despair, despite the obvious wrong of the situation. Who knows when either will ever do anything like this again … She tugs on Mike’s shirt, his hands tracing the outline of her spine … He backs away, taking his shirt off as Melissa removes her tank top to reveal a pretty pink bra … and Mike pushes the camera away …]

[the woods are quiet, except for …]

[YES!]

[Oh yeah … right there …]

[You like it?]

[Harder!]

[We’re almost there! We’re almost there!]

[YES!]

[Chad Foster returns, his eyes transfixed on something past the camera. He’s got an assortment of things gathered in his shirt, and he seems shocked. He picks up the camera and turns it around to reveal …]

[Mike and Melissa have set up the tent perfectly!]

[He’s not wearing a shirt and she’s wearing his.]

Foster: That’s beautiful. Too bad you guys forgot to start a fire.

Melissa: Oh, we started a fire …

Foster: Well, dinner’s served. Mike, take the camera.

[and Mike grabs the camera from Foster as Foster reveals the assortment of berries, mushrooms and assorted other edible looking goodies.]

Mike: Let’s chow!

Foster: Isn’t there a shirt you can wear?

Mike: Yeah, can you hand me my backpack?

Foster: Sure …

Melissa [Eating a berry]: This is good … where’d you find it?

Foster: Not too far away …

Mike [sampling a mushroom]: This is great! I used to eat shrooms like this back in the day!

Foster: Easy Mike, we might have to save some of these …

[Foster eats a berry]

Melissa: I see you worked up an appetite, Mike … had enough of those mushrooms?

Mike: I’m just starving and these shrooms are just hitting the spot …

Foster: Well, it’s getting dark … let’s do the uplink and hope someone finds us …

[and with the purr of the stop button, we are treated to an endoftransmission..]

The Dead Ed Project: Day One

2004-12-17T22:31:00.000-08:00

September 1, 3:25 P.M.

[And we’re at the opulent offices of the UWC Headquarters, and it appears that Chad Foster is preparing for some sort of trek. He’s got a large backpack all fitted out with a sleeping bag, tent and all the rations he may need. He’s on the phone …]

Foster: Dammit, I’m going to be away on business! Can’t you postpone the meetings? I know there’s real money at stake, but don’t you see that it’s all a frivolous lawsuit … I mean, Pedro started the brawl by beaning two of my guys in a row! What am I supposed to do? Not let my boys kick their pansy asses in a fight THEY started? Don’t worry, I’ll get you your money, just keep them occupied … I’m going to be out of town for a few days … no you won’t be able to reach me and no I can’t tell you where I’m going … deal with it!

[Foster hangs up in disgust. Melissa, Foster’s latex-loving secretary saunters in, wearing, shockingly, no latex. She’s wearing a camouflage tanktop and camouflage shorts, her alabaster skin an effervescent clarity to the tangled threads of green and brown and black. Her blond hair is once again pulled back into pig-tails by little pink bows. She’s so cute.]

Melissa: I got the satellite uplink working. It’s solar powered so as long as we put the cell on top of one of our backpacks, we’ll have enough power to upload at night.

Foster: That’s good, I want to document my talk with Ed. God … this better work.

Melissa: When should we leave?

Foster: I guess if you’re ready, we better go … is the satellite uplink equipment heavy?

Melissa: Not too bad. Mike the cameraman who’s coming with us can carry it.

Mike the Cameraman (who is naturally filming this conversation): * gulp *

Foster: So I guess it’ll be the three of us going out into the woods to find Dead Ed … did you get the directions to that backwater town he lives in?

Melissa: Yeah, it’s not that long a drive. We can get there this afternoon and get ready to find Ed’s house in the woods by the morning …

Foster: Melissa, what would I ever do without you?

Melissa: Starve?

Foster: Will you marry me?

Melissa: no.

[she winks at the camera … or maybe the cameraman …]

Foster: Well, let’s take this tape and do the uplink to make sure it works and then we’ll be on our way … Dirk Ryan is staying here so he can make sure the stuff we uplink gets on the air, right?

Melissa: It’s all taken cared of. Now go take your potty break and we’ll get on the road … C’mon Mike, let’s get this tape uploaded …

[and as Melissa’s ivory cleavage fills the screen, we hear the click of the stop button and the purr of the eject as we fade to an endoftransmission..]

September 1, 1999, 6:51 P.M.

[And we’re in the motion-sickness inducing backseat of Chad Foster’s Caddilac (American-made!) as Foster drives onward, Melissa paints her toenails and Mike documents it all … Melissa’s kinda cute …]

Mike: Hey guys, we’re on!

Foster: Hi … We’re on our way to … to … where the hell are we going?

Melissa: Burkittsville … how many times do I have to tell you?

Foster: Yeah … Ed has a P.O. Box there, but he lives up in the woods in his own little Unabomber shack. I don’t know how the Widow puts up with it …

Melissa: I’m sure it’s because she loves him … It’s so romantic …

Foster: Please … So how far until our exit?

Melissa: Well let me see … I think that was it … you just passed it!

Foster: WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!

Melissa: You’re the one that was talking this whole time! Turn around!

Foster: What am I supposed to do, just turn around here on the freeway? We’ll have to wait until our next exit!

Melissa: Well if you weren’t such a bad driver, we wouldn’t have missed our exit! Who knows how long it’ll be before we get to the next exit!

Foster: Screw you Melissa, if you hadn’t been distracting me, talking to me, cooing in my ear and painting your toenails with that hallucinogenic nail polish, we would have made the exit!

Mike: Hey … can’t we all get along?

Melissa: Shut the hell up. I can’t believe we have to put up with this man’s incompetence!

Foster: Excuse me, you don’t … I could fire you all right now!

Melissa: Yeah, well I could quit! Screw you!

Mike: Guys … please … this isn’t the way we should be handling this …

Foster: Next Exit 20 miles?! Where the hell in Massachusetts are we?! We don’t …

Melissa: we don’t what?!

Foster nevermind … Mike turn that damn camera off NOW!

Melissa: He doesn’t have to do what you say! We’re quitting, right Mike?

Mike: Um …

Foster: Turn that damn camera off now!

Mike: okay …

[and as Foster and Melissa continue to bicker back and forth, Mike hits the stop button on the camera and we fade once again to an endoftransmission.. ]

September 1, 1999, 7:47 P.M.

[And we’re in the back of Foster’s Caddy again and it’s noisily bumping along a dirt road with the forest to either side, blocking out the setting sun. Melissa and Foster are still arguing, and I don’t think either of them knows the camera’s back on …]

Melissa: Where the fuck are we?! This is not happening to me. This is not happening to me you … you little fuck!

Foster: Well excuse me … We need gas and there’s got to be a gas station around here!

Melissa: On a friggin’ dirt road?! Jesus Christ, Foster, what kind of idiot are you?!

Foster: I’m the idiot that’s going to find Dead Ed and get us back home safely, you BITCH!

Melissa: Oh great, now you’re calling me names … what’s that sound?

Foster: What sound?

Melissa: the sound the car’s making … you’re not telling me …

Foster: Dammit!

Melissa: We’re out of gas, aren’t we?

Foster: yeah.

Melissa: YOU BASTARD!

[She leaps onto Foster as the car coasts … she’s punching him about the shoulders … oh no … there’s a tree! They crash! Thankfully, the car was coasting and not going very fast …]

Melissa: You little shit! Now you’ve wrecked our car in the middle of butt fuck nowhere …

Foster: Excuse, me, but I wouldn’t have wrecked if you hadn’t jumped on top of me!

Melissa: Whatever.

Mike: Guys, let’s deal with this the right way. Let’s go see how much damage has happened to the car.

[and so they get out, and notice that the car is hardly damaged at all. But they did crash into a tree in the center of a dirt road … now that they look around … where is that dirt road?]

Foster: Where the hell are we?

Melissa: Where the hell are we? We’re in buttfuck, Massachusetts with no idea how to get home! Can you call someone on your cell phone to get us out of here?

Foster: Um … I didn’t bring it … I didn’t want any distractions …

Melissa: NO DISTRACTIONS?! I’m going to kill you!

Mike: Hold on … we’ll be okay. We’ve got camping supplies and all that, we can make it. All we need to do is find the freeway and walk along it until someone picks us up or we get back to civilization … we’ll be fine.

Foster: Mike’s right. We need to stick together. We’ve got the satellite uplink, so we can send out messages for help, right?

Melissa: I don’t know … the messages just go to Dirk Ryan back at HQ, and knowing him, he’ll just put it on tape and send it to the television studio! And since we don’t even know where we are, how are we supposed to get someone to find us?!

Mike: Guys, it’s getting dark. I suggest we just find a place to camp, eat dinner and we’ll find a way home tomorrow. We just need to be under control.

Foster: Mike’s right. Let’s do the uplink, set up camp and get some rest. I think I can figure out where to go in this here forest.

Melissa: Hold on … do you hear that?

[they all strain to listen]

Melissa: There’s nothing! We’re in the middle of nowhere! Something tells me that if you lead us anywhere, it’ll be nowhere!

Mike: Melissa, snap out of it. We’ll be okay. I have faith in Mr. Foster.

Foster: Thank you Mike. Now put the camera down, get the uplink going and I’ll set up camp.

[Melissa has sat down next to a tree and has started crying.]

Foster: I just wish Melissa wasn’t such a whiny bitch!

[and Mike puts down the camera, and he hits stop to ready the satellite uplink back to UWC HQ … it’s too bad they can’t receive messages, or help might be on its way. They set up camp as nightfalls, and who knows what creeps out at night …]

The Myth of Dead Ed

2004-12-16T13:43:00.000-08:00

1971.
Ed Kowalsky is born to loving parents in Burkittsville, Massachusetts. An only child, he was seen often playing in the yard. At the age of 3, he was allegedly playing with dead animals, sometimes dead by his own hand.
1977.
Ed's parents, Edith and Martin, divorce. Ed moves to Boston with his mother, unhappy. He misses the country solitude.
1989.
Ed graduates from high school at the top of his class. He joins the army and is stationed in Fort Doyle, Vermont.
1993.
Ed receives an Honorable Discharge from the Army. Ed becomes infatuated with the burgeoning Internet, and invests his college money into several Web-based companies.
1994.
Ed Kowalsky is ostracized from his Burkittsville, Mass. community for his alleged blasphemous beliefs. Maintaining a living off of the sale of internet domain names, Ed was known to spend hours online, participating electronically with various cults. The nickname Dead Ed came about when efforts to contact him were often thwarted by his being online.
February, 1995.
Teenagers begin to disappear from the Burkittsville area. Police are baffled until an anonymous tip leads them to Ed's door. A scan of Ed's computer revealed extensive contact with several of the teens, often with occult overtones. Ed is questioned, but no charges were filed over lack of evidence.
August, 1996.
More teenagers disappear. Families in the area become increasingly paranoid, believing that Ed is responsible.
September 14, 1996.
Ed's home is firebombed, a cross burning in his yard. Reportedly, Ed did not survive; no body was ever found. Ed's girlfriend "Jennifer" fled the scene into the nearby woods; her body was never found.
September, 1997.
Teenagers begin disappearing again. Families are baffled, then suspect that their crime a year ago is back to haunt them. A search of the woods ends in tragedy, as several search parties disappear without a trace.
October, 1997.
Life returns to normal in Burkittsville. Police are still confused over the disappearances and lead search parties into the woods, but uncover nothing.
September, 1998.
Again, disappearances of teenagers and, sadly, younger children, plague Burkittsville. Soon it is known as the Curse of Dead Ed.
July, 1999.
In nearby Boston, A new wrestler named "Dead Ed" debuts in the UWC. A figure wrapped entirely in black, he is an enigma to all. Owner Chad Foster promises great things about this man. It is unknown if this man is Ed Kowalsky.
August, 1999.
Wrestler Eric Lee faces Dead Ed and defeats him. Shortly thereafter, he disappears. He returns, but some say he is not the same person he was. Later, Dead Ed defeats Billy Bob, another wrestler. Billy Bob soon suffers a freak injury and is sent to the hospital. He has disappeared since then.
September 1, 1999.
Chad Foster, Melissa More, and Michael Haber head to Burkittsville with camera equipment to document a meeting with Dead Ed. They take the wrong exit, run out of gas, and crash their car in the woods. With camping equipment, their camera, and a satellite uplink to UWC headquarters in Boston, they venture forth to find their way to safety or Dead Ed.

The Dead Ed Project ...

2004-12-16T13:35:00.000-08:00

The Dead Ed Project was my brainchild from the get go. When I first came up with the idea of Dead Ed, I thought it would be good for a laugh. I mean, this guy was actually a corpse. He wouldn't do anything. Of course, there was always that hint of the supernatural with him, in that he'd one day rise again and lay waste to the UWC. Of course, when I started the whole thing, I had no idea that the whole mystery of who Dead Ed really was would take off. And it did. SO, in honor of the Blair Witch Project, I gave to the UWC the Dead Ed Project, and it went over like gangbusters.

EDIT: I'll post the Dead Ed Project in installments, just like it was set up on the special Dead Ed Project web site.

Beyond Reason for August 30, 1999

2004-12-15T15:39:00.000-08:00

Beyond Reason 8-31

LAST WEEK:
Three new champions crowned, three spoilers to the action.

Master and student, now equals, tear the house down, only to be dampened by the appearance and attack of an imposing monster. Tonight, Shane Erikson defends the UWC from JD Freeman.

A wild 4 way, participants pulled from matches earlier in the evening. One man prevailed, amid controversy, to be crowned UWC United States Champion. Tonight, Axel Reed takes on Wyatt Wallace in a non-title bout.

An X-Rated Battle Royal for X-rated Wrestlers in an affair that knew no rules. In the end, there were two unlikely souls joined by an even more unlikely bond: Tag Team championship gold. Tonight, The Franchise Jarred Matthews and his tag team partner Jamal “BesThinGoing” Jameson take on the Revolution Y.

PLUS: Mixed tag action between Whiplash and Vicki taking on Brett Mondonno and Whitney, Mecca takes on Luni, Sean Shanoski does battle with Daniel Fritz and the Poodle takes on Dead Ed.

BR: AND WE ARE LIVE! Hey, we ain’t here to beat around the bush. Let’s go to the ring!

CF: That’s what we need right now. No pageantry, no bullshit, just get into the ring and do our job!

Luni v. Mecca

BR: And here comes the Lunatic Ace Custis, better known simply as Luni, who’ll light up the air if he keeps from freaking out.

CF: Luni is a death defying maniac that really has no regard for his own safety.

BR: Let’s just hope he can avoid the purple elephants and the bunnies and keep his focus on the match.

CF: And here comes his opponent, the man known as Mecca!

BR: This guy has tons and tons of potential that he has already fulfilled in other organizations, and he wants to use his talent here in the UWC to go straight to the top!

CF: Well, Mecca and Luni are facing off in the ring, and this is going to be a killer opener.

BR: They tieup and a quick leg trip take Luni down. Mecca floats over but Luni escapes back to a neutral position. They tieup again and Mecca hooks on a side headlock. Luni pushes off and Mecca bounces off the ropes with a big shoulderblock. Off the far ropes and Luni drops down and Mecca goes over. Off the near ropes and Luni with a dropkick that takes Mecca off his feet! Mecca’s up and Luni nails another dropkick! Luni for a third and Mecca gets out of the way.

CF: Luni lives and dies with moves that take him off his feet.

BR: Mecca hooks Luni and takes him up for a textbook suplex. He lifts up Mecca and here’s a textbook bodyslam. Off the ropes and he drops a solid elbow that smacks Luni right in the chest. For the cover:

1!
2!

Luni’s up.

CF: Mecca is a technical marvel.

BR: Mecca with a waist lock and here’s a belly-to-belly suplex that takes Luni down. Mecca looks amazing out there!

CF: I’d agree. He’s got a lot of talent.

BR: Mecca hooks another waist lock and it looks like a German Suplex this time! He lifts up but Luni flips out of it! Mecca turns and is met with a Luni spinning heel kick! Luni springboards to the middle rope and here’s a twisting forearm smash! Standing moonsault and he’s got Mecca down!

1!
2!
Mecca’s up!

CF: Luni’s nuts!

BR: Mecca is up on his feet and Luni puts him down with a body slam. Luni is heading to the top rope! Moonsault Press! Mecca’s out of the way and Luni lands on his feet! Spinning heel kick misses! Mecca has him! Exploder Suplex back to the center of the ring!

CF: Incredible!

BR: Mecca lifts Luni up and he drops him with a body slam. Off the ropes and he drops a leg. For the cover:

1!
2!
Luni escapes.

CF: How he can get up from getting dumped on his head?

BR: Luni is up to his feet again and Mecca cuts him down with a right cross. But Luni’s getting up again! Another right from Mecca and Luni goes down again … but he keeps getting up!

CF: Is he a lunatic or something?

BR: YES HE IS! Mecca can’t keep Luni from getting up! He’s drawing power from the bunnies or the purple elephants or whatever! Mecca with a boot to the gut and here’s a piledriver to take him down! For the cover:

1!
2!
3
Luni is not done! He kicks out!

CF: Mecca must wonder what he has to do to put him down.

BR: Mecca stuffs Luni’s head between his legs … here comes a powerbomb! NO! Luni flips over! He’s got Mecca in a sunset flip!

1!
2!
Mecca’s up!

Luni turns around and Mecca decapitates him with a lariat! Mecca signals for the end.

CF: This will be all for the Lunatic!

BR: Mecca hooks on a front face lock and Luni is fighting him off! Luni pushes him toward the ropes and here’s a clothesline from Mecca that misses! Luni with a kick to the gut and Luni flies off the opposite ropes and he leaps high into the air! He catches Mecca on the way down with a DDT! What a move!

CF: Where does this come from?

BR: Luni is heading to the top rope! Mecca is on his feet barely and here’s a flying somersault plancha! Mecca’s down! Luni isn’t going for a cover! He’s dragging Mecca to the corner! Mecca’s out! Luni up to the top and he’s going for the Luni Flip!

CF: This will be all for Mecca!

BR: Luni leaps into the air for a 540 splash! Mecca moves! Luni crashes and burns!

CF: Look! He’s trying to get to his feet but he hurt himself too much!

BR: Mecca was playing a little possum, and he hooks Luni! The Death Drop! The Floating DDT spikes him down on the mat! Mecca for the cover:

1!
2!
3!

Mecca makes good on his first singles matchup here in the UWC. A good win for Mecca.

CF: Let’s not disregard the high-risk antics of that Lunatic Luni.

BR: I’m sure he’ll land on his feet one of these days.

CF: Well, I have to be honest, I have no idea what to expect in this next matchup. It’s the Poodle and Dead Ed!

BR: YOU don’t know what to expect? What am I supposed to think?! I’m sure the unexpected will definitely happen this time. And here he comes in full scamper, The Poodle!

CF: He’s a lot of fun, ain’t he?

BR: Well, I guess fun is the word if you have a chronic “holding it” problem. That man, er, dog pees on everyone and everything!

CF: He’s a poodle! What did you expect?!

BR: He’s a man in a poodle suit, dammit!

CF: Well, you just can’t believe, can you?

BR: I guess not … and speaking of not believing, here comes Dead Ed! The lights dim and here’s the funeral dirge … here comes the Deadman in his casket pushed by the Widow … So, Chad, are you going to tell us who he is?

CF: What’s the point? Forget it.

BR: I thought you needed him!

CF: Screw it. What the hell is the Poodle doing to the ref?!

BR: You mean to the ref’s knee! This is bad!

CF: It’s great!

BR: The Widow is putting Dead Ed into the ring and look! Out of the crowd! It’s Whiplash and Vicki! Whiplash has got a chair and while the Poodle is humping the referee’s leg, Whiplash with a vicious chair shot across the supine back of Dead Ed! Vicki’s behind the Poodle and here’s a lowblow! The ref just fainted! Whiplash puts Vicki on top of Ed and … oh no … the lights just went out … it’s red at the entrance way … here comes JD Freeman!

CF: Oh no! What is he doing here?! He’s got a mic in his hand as he gets into the ring and he faces off with Whiplash and Vicki.

Freeman: I heard you wanted to shake my hand. Well, aren’t you?

BR: Whiplash looks understandably worried by this prospect … Freeman nails Whiplash in the head with the mic! Whiplash is stunned! Freeman has him and here’s a powerbomb down hard! He maintains contact and he does it again! Double Powerbomb!

CF: His head bounced off the mat! Vicki has just jumped onto Freeman’s back!

BR: Freeman’s got her hair … and he whips her down! Oh no … he stuffs her head between his legs … he’s going to powerbomb Vicki! NO! Don’t do it!

CF: Oh god … he just dropped Vicki like a bad habit … she’s out of it …

BR: Look! Here comes Jarred Matthews, Whiplash’s fellow Outlaw! He hits the ring and he’s firing lefts and rights at the 6’8” monster! Off the ropes and Matthews eats a big boot! Oh no!

CF: Look! Here comes Jamal Jameson, Matthews’ tag team partner! But they hate each other!

BR: He’s in the ring and now he’s unloading on Freeman! Freeman has got him by the throat! Matthews is up and Freeman’s got him by the throat! Double boot to the midsection releases the hold for the tag champs! They both pound on Freeman! Off the ropes and a double spinning heel kick takes Freeman out of the ring! The champs look at each other as Freeman slowly walks away pointing to his head. Here’s a shove from Matthews … I guess he thought he didn’t need any help!

CF: He probably didn’t!

BR: But Freeman is getting away! I think the champs just realized this and are just now cooperating enough to chase after him! Hold on … “The Gentle Art of Making Enemies” by Faith No More just came on … it’s Magnificent Brett Mondonno and Whitney! Whiplash and Vicki are still down from the assault! Mondonno slides into the ring and quickly hops on top of Whiplash as Whitney revives the ref! He crawls over:

1!
2!
3 Whiplash kicks out! WOW!

CF: He had time to recover from when Freeman bounced his head twice off the mat.

BR: Mondonno doesn’t know what to do and Whiplash is starting to fight back! Mondonno directs something towards Whitney as Whiplash gets to his feet! Here’s a right! And a left and Mondonno is staggered! Whiplash clotheslines him over the top rope and he quickly follows! They’re brawling toe to toe! Ooh … a low blow by Mondonno stops that momentum …

CF: Look in the ring! What’s Whitney doing! She’s on the middle rope! Big Splash onto the supine Vicki! For the cover:

1!
2!
3!

And Mondonno and Vicki win, but give a mighty large assist to JD Freeman.

BR: Mondonno and Whiplash are still fighting! They don’t know the match is over!

CF: Ah, let them fight!

BR: Look! The Poodle is covering Dead Ed on the floor! The ref rolls out of the ring:

1!
2!
3!

The Poodle wins!

CF: Well … That was interesting …

BR: We really need some medical attention for Vicki … she took a pretty fierce powerbomb from a very big guy.

CF: I think Whiplash just realized it as he rushes back to the ring … Whitney hops into Mondonno’s arms as they head to the back …

BR: That JD Freeman may just surpass Mondonno as the most hated man in the UWC if he’s going to be powerbombing women …

CF: Well, what’s next?

BR: You’re favorite. Sean Shanoski!

CF: Well, I’ve got to get something done first. Excuse me …

BR: And Chad Foster is headed into the ring … what’s this for?

CF: Ladies and Gentlemen, I’ve got a couple of things I’d like to announce. In two weeks, we’ll be doing a special show at the Fleet Center, and the New England Patriots and Drew Bledsoe in particular are going to be helping us out. And, as an added bonus, I’ve signed a couple pretty good matches too. First: Next week, in this very building, UWC World Champion Marcus Payne defends against United States Champion Axel Reed! Next week! Remember, tonight’s match between Reed and Wyatt Wallace is NON-TITLE, so Reed gets the shot at Payne next week. Also, for the big showdown in two weeks at the Fleet Center, by virtue of his spot atop the ratings, Shane Erikson will be getting his shot to win back his title against the winner. I hope that works for everyone, except JD Freeman. I hope he thinks it sucks! And there’s one more issue I have to deal with.

I’m sure some of you may have heard of the lawsuit between the Boston Red Sox and the UWC. Well, folks, tonight after the matches, I’ll be signing the settlement with your good buddy and mine, Pedro Martinez! Come on down, Pedro!

BR: Pedro Martinez is coming back to Paul Revere! He certainly played a very big part of UWC history, and was very integral to the Boston Massacre PPV. And now he’s back, and with no sign of Billy Bob, he should be alright.

CF: Pedro, from the deepest part of my heart, I apologize for all the bad things that have happened to you here in the UWC.

PM: No problemo Senor Foster.

CF: Would you like to call this next match with us?

PM: I guess, but my Engles no so good.

CF: Muy Bueno.

BR: Well, I guess we get Pedro Martinez helping us out in the color commentary … and here they come. Hi there Pedro.

PM: Hello! My English not so good so I let you call the match.

BR: Whatever you say Pedro.

CF: Well, who’s next?

BR: Sean Shanoski.

CF: Dammit!

BR: Shanoski is out running and he slides into the ring! He’s daring Fritz to come down the aisle!

CF: And here comes Daniel Fritz, one half of the Natural Born Killaz with Billy Bob.

BR: Here we go! Daniel Fritz peers down at Shanoski across the ring.

CF: This one looks lopsided to me.

BR: Holy shit, we're underway! Sean hits with rights and lefts to Fritz' sternum area! Fritz doubles over, Shanoski hooking Dan's arm between his own legs, lifts him up and slams him down to the canvas!

BR: God damn, it's too early to take THAT kind of advantage! Shanoski drags him up by the hair, missing the swing, and BAM!

CF: Fritz with an electrifying atomic drop?

BR: That's not electrifying, Shanoski turns around and hits a flying lariat, completely taking Fritz' head off!

CF: He's still an idiot.

BR: Shanoski goes to the middle rope, OOOHHH, Fritz with a knee up! He's fighting like he was abandoned by his mother at 7!!!

CF: That's because...he was.

BR: Oh yeah...Fritz now goes behind for a bridge German suplex, but Shanoski flips back onto his feet. Daniel turns around, Sean hooking his arms around him, and FLIPS HIM OVER THE ROPES WITH AN AMAZING BELLY-TO-BELLY!!!

CF: What a show off. Now he's just slapping Fritz around outside.

BR: Shanoski has now configured Fritz' legs into the guard railing and hung him upside down. Shanoski with a head full of steam grabs a chair, and...

CF: OHH SHIT!!! That dropkick's gonna leave a mark! I think I can see the indent of the frame of that chair he just imnplanted into Fritz' forehead. The action returns to the ring with a quick Shanoski cover.

1!
2!
3
the last second kickout.

BR: My God, Fritz holding on like he survived as a gang child when he was younger.

CF: That's because...he was.

BR: Correct again. Now Shanoski whips Fritz into the corner, Fritz putting on the brakes and leaping off the turnbuckle, but...

CF: THAT MUST BE THE WIDOWMAKER! Fritz' face is inside the mat from the looks of that.

BR: Now Sean tangles his legs in Fritz' and hooks his neck in for his version of the STF, "The One Way Ticket to Hell!!!"

CF: Even though that's the cheesiest name for a move I have ever heard, Fritz has just passed out and the ref is calling for the bell.

BR: He’s not done … he’s dragging Fritz out to the apron in front of us … he’s not … he’s going to! Get out of the way!

CF: He wouldn’t dare!

BR: Oh no! Chad! Pedro! LOOK OUT!

Oh god … Shanoski just dropped Daniel Fritz head first through the commentary table onto Foster and Pedro! Foster is livid and Pedro is stunned! Shanoski’s on the mic!

Shanoski: Another present Foster. I’m going to keep doing it until you get in the ring with me! You can’t hold me back any more!

CF: You want to get in the ring with me, Shanoski? You’re not even in my league. Sure, I’ll enjoy kicking your ass. I’ll enjoy watching you squirm. I’ll enjoy watching you bleed. Next week, Shanoski, no rules, no time limit, a Boston Street Fight!

BR: Shanoski is laughing! He climbs out of the ring … the Doc is attending to Pedro and he’s in trouble … so’s Fritz … they’ve already got him on a stretcher … it looks like Chad is going to need attention too in the back … And here comes Rich Ramirez from the back to help me out … yeah, get that table from under the ring. Okay … let’s take a break and get back to the action…

BR: Well folks, are we ready for our first and only title match of the evening? It’s the Revolution Y taking on the unlikely championship duo of “the Franchise” Jarred Matthews and “the BesThinGoing” Jamal Jameson.

RR: It’ll be a wild one, Bobby, and who knows how long Jameson and Matthews are going to last together as a team. They were thrown together by fate and circumstance, and now who knows where they’re headed …

BR: They did manage to team up long enough to keep JD Freeman off of Vicki and Whiplash, but can they last through an entire match?

RR: Well, folks, here come the challengers, the Revolution Y to some Puff Daddy or something. If you know me, you know I’m a diehard AC/DC fan and I really don’t care too much for this rap stuff.

BR: Oh, Night Stalker, it ain’t so bad. The Revolution Y, Tommy “Too Cool” Kain and “Future Shock” Damon Damani are here and hey, they get a title shot in their first match. Isn’t that convenient? TK is a former world champion in other organizations and as Damani says, he’s got a bright future ahead of him.

RR: They are a cohesive unit, which is a lot more than we can say about the champs.

BR: But the talent on that side is incredible. They may hold tag team gold now, but I say it’s only a matter of time until they hold onto singles gold as well. Until then, let’s hope they can work together …

RR: And here comes Jamal Jameson! He looks determined, or maybe he’s upset he has to team with Jarred Matthews. He gets into the ring to a good sized pop, as a result of the thrashing he gave the Poodle twice last week.

BR: Well, he is the “BesThinGoing,” right?

RR: I guess he is, but let’s bring out the Franchise, Jarred Matthews, and of course, the lovely Jennifer Rovero. Hopefully, Vicki is okay in the back.

BR: I don’t think Jennifer would come out here if she didn’t think Vicki was okay and she was safe.

RR: Uh oh … Matthews and Jameson are already exchanging words … it seems they both want to start.

BR: Kain and Damani are having a good laugh about it … well, they might as well, they’re only here to have fun, they said.

RR: It’s rock, scissors, paper for Jameson and Matthews … Rock for Jameson; Paper for Matthews. I guess this means Jameson starts … Matthews is reluctantly getting onto the apron.

BR: It’s Jameson and Kain to start, and Jameson is still trash talking his own partner! Schoolboy by Kain!

1!
2!
3
Kickout by Jameson! We almost had new tag team champions! Jameson up and he throws a lariat and it’s ducked by Kain! Jameson turns around and he’s small packaged!

1!
2!
3
THIS CLOSE! Jameson up and he throws a wild right and it’s caught and countered with a back slide!

1!
2!
3
Jameson escapes again and he retreats to his corner … hold on … Jennifer has the mic:

Jennifer Rovero: Jamal Jameson, you suck! Tag out you loser! Get a real man in the ring!

RR: This isn’t going to help their chemistry.

BR: Kain and Damani have just made the exchange and here comes the Future Shock! A forearm to the back sends Jameson into Matthews and Matthews to the floor! Here’s a whip and Jameson ducks a Damani clothesline and bounces off the far ropes … Spinning heel kick by Jameson takes Damani down! Tommy Kain is in and Jameson ducks a clothesline attempt. Kick to the gut, no, it’s caught, ENZUIGIRI! Kain is down! Matthews is on the top rope! Missle dropkick to Damani and both Revolution Y members retreat to the floor!

RR: Amazing show of teamwork from those two. I wouldn’t have expected that. Maybe there’s hope there after all.

BR: Kain and Damani have thought it over and get back into the ring. Damani tags in Kain and … yes … it looks like Jameson is going to tag in Matthews. He’s reluctant to do so, but here comes Matthews.

RR: Hopefully Matthews will reciprocate later and tag Jameson back in eventually.

BR: Matthews and Kain circle and here’s the tieup. Matthews with a side headlock. He’s showing Jameson how he’s supposed to do it! Kain pushes off and Matthews returns off the ropes with a shoulder block. Matthews off the far ropes and Kain drops down … Matthews over and to the near ropes and Kain leap frogs him … Matthews off the far ropes again and Kain elevates him with a back body drop! Matthews up and he’s dropped with a lariat! Here’s the tag to Damani and Damani goes to work.

RR: He lifts Matthews up and up! Gorilla Press by Damani, showing off some impressive strength!

BR: He drills him downward hard. Tag back to Kain and here’s a double whip … Double back elbow takes Matthews off his feet. Kain lifts Matthews up and he stuffs his head between his legs he lifts him up for a powerbomb but Matthews flips out of it! Kick to the gut! He drives Kain face first into the mat!

RR: What a counter!

BR: Jennifer just threw Matthews a chair! He better not use it!

RR: He’s setting it up in the ring … he’s going for a Triple Jump Moonsault! He bounces off the ropes … hold on, Jameson just slapped him on the back and now he’s getting into the ring! The ref’s counting it as a legal tag!

BR: Jameson off the ropes, steps on Kain, steps on the chair and springboards off the top rope for a moonsault! A triple jump moonsault! For the pin:

1!
2!
Matthews pulls Jameson off of Kain! They’re arguing! Matthews wanted to do the Triple Jump Moonsault! Kain is making it to the corner and here comes Damani! Jameson turns around just in time to duck a clothesline that knocks Matthews out of the ring! Jameson hooks Damani from behind and here’s a German suplex with a bridge!

1!
2!
Kain drops a huge elbow on the prone Jameson! That one hurt as his entire chest was exposed utilizing the German Suplex.

RR: What a sequence. Damani picks up Jameson and carries him over to the challenger’s corner and drops him with a powerslam. He tags in Kain and it looks like the Revolution Y are in control!

BR: Kain in and he treats Jameson to a few stomps and here’s the whip into the ropes and he catches Jameson with a sweet spinebuster! Jameson is down:

1!
2!
Jameson kicks out.

RR: Kain tags in Damani and he gets a few kicks in too. Jameson is firing lefts and rights into Damani’s midsection, but Damani quashes that with a head butt. He picks up Jameson up shoulder high and whirls him about a bit before dropping him hard with a Samoan Drop. Damani tags Kain back in and Kain drops a lightning quick legdrop.

BR: The challengers are looking good and Jameson is taking a beating. Jameson is fighting back on Kain, but Kain lifts a knee into the midsection to stop that. Here’s a whip into the corner and Kain charges and is met by a Jameson boot! Kain staggers back and Jameson charges out and is met with a Huricanrana! Jameson is down!

RR: What a move by TK. He wants to end it!

BR: He tags in Damani. Damani carries Jameson ot the other side of the ring and whips him toward Kain. Kain catches him in a waistlock and drives Jameson down throatfirst on the top rope! Jameson staggers backwards and Damani drives Jameson down with a bulldog! Jameson is out of it after the Tommy Gun and the bulldog! Damani for the pin:

1!
2!
3
Matthews makes the save!

RR: Damani’s calling for the Shock Treatment! It’s his finisher! He hooks Jameson by the neck and spins him around for a hangman’s neckbreaker and Jameson gets the trick knee up! A low blow! If Damani were to complete the Shock Treatment he’d have gone around another 180 degrees and driven him face first. But now, they’re both down and out and needing a tag!

BR: Jameson is crawling, Damani is crawling, they’re both almost there … and Damani tags in Kain! He’s in and Jameson lunges and tags in Matthews! Matthews is all over Kain! Lefts and rights! Damani in and he eats a side kick that takes him out of the ring! Matthews hits Kain with a crescent kick that takes him down … Matthews is headed to the top rope!

RR: Jameson is on the top rope too … he drops an elbow on Kain! He covers Kain but he’s not the legal man! Matthews is livid up there!

BR: Hold on! It’s the Innocent Bystander! He tosses Matthews off the top rope! Matthews hits hard as the ref is forcing out Jameson! Damani in and he nails the Shock Treatment spinning facebomb on Matthews! Jameson is refusing to leave the ring! Kain has Matthews pinned!

RR: Look out! Jennifer Rovero has a chair and she waffles the Innocent Bystander from behind! Damani gives chase!

BR: The ref follows them, allowing Jameson in illegally! He grabs Kain from behind and locks in a full nelson! He throws him down hard with the SUDDEN DEATH DRAGON SUPLEX! Kain is out! Jennifer throws the chair back into the ring! Jameson gets a running start and here’s a Somersault Plancha onto Damani! Jennifer just got out of the way! Kain is up and he’s got the chair but Matthews leaps to his feet and nails the JM-ASSACRE! That chair nailed Kain in the face! The ref finally sees what’s going on in the ring! He rushes in:

1!
2!
3!

And Jameson and Matthews hold onto the straps! Wow! What a finish! They really didn’t work too well together, but when it counted, they came together … oh no … they’re arguing again … And now the tag champs are brawling again! They’re face to face and they spill out to the floor! They’re going to brawl all the way to the back! Jennifer has both tag belts as she follows the two to the back. Damani, Kain and the Innocent Bystander all wonder what went wrong. The Innocent Bystander takes off his mask … it’s former ICW President Peyton Dowdy! He gets the mic:

Peyton Dowdy: The Bastard is Back! Are you ready for it?!

BR: Well, Revolution Y is back together. What will it hold for the future?

BR: Up next, we have a non-title matchup between US champion Axel Reed and the upstart Wyatt Wallace. If Wallace wins this, he deserves not only a US title shot, but also consideration for World Title bouts!

RR: There’s no doubt about it. Wallace is a great talent, but Reed has shown how great he is by winning the US title at the Boston Massacre.

BR: And here comes “the Product of Middle America” Wyatt Wallace … the lovely Lisa looks lovely as always, and Wallace is full of energy.

RR: He’s amazing. I didn’t regard him as much when he first showed up, but he is an amazing performer who doesn’t know how to quit.

BR: And here comes the champion, Axel Reed. This guy is good.

RR: There’s no doubt about it. He’s a fantastic talent and he looks to be at the zenith of his career, and I don’t think anyone can stop him.

BR: Remember, it’s NON-TITLE. Reed slips into the ring as Wallace and Lisa eye him from the other side of the ring.

RR: And here we go! Collar and Elbow tieup and Wallace takes the advantage! Reed pushes off and Wallace bounces off the ropes with a shoulderblock! He bounces off the far ropes and is met with a Reed dropkick that takes Wallace out of the ring! That was unexpected!

BR: Reed off the ropes for a baseball slide but Wallace moves. Wallace opening up on Reed and they’re trading blows on the floor!

RR: This is wild stuff!

BR: Reed gets control and he rams Wallace into the steps! Look at Lisa! She’s in Reed’s face! He pushes her away but she’s back in his face! She slaps him! Reed is angry!

RR: Wallace is back on the apron and he leaps off with a dropkick to the back of Reed’s head! Reed is over the guard rail and into the front row!

BR: What a spectacular move by Wallace! But he’s not done … he’s going to the top … this is crazy … Reed is getting up … the crowd is clearing away from him … and Wallace leaps! Plancha into the front row! They’re both down!

RR: The ref doesn’t know if he should call a DQ or continue the match … CONTINUE IT! We need a winner!

BR: Wallace is pulling himself over the barricade … Reed is following … and now they’re brawling on the floor again! Reed rakes the eyes and throws Wallace back in …
Reed whips Wallace into the ropes and catches him with a side suplex … no, Wallace reverses into a flying head scissors! Reed back on his feet and Wallace catches him with a spinning heel kick! Reed is stunned! Wallace is heading to the top rope …

RR: Wallace is a little sparkplug!

BR: I think you say that every week. Wallace is up to the top rope and he flies off with a flying body press! Reed got him and uses his momentum for the DESTRUCTION DRIVER! That’s how he eliminated him from the 4 way last week! But he’s winded! Reed reaches … and he reaches … and he gets an arm on Wallace:

1!
2!
3
Wallace kicks out!

RR: What a show of guts by Wyatt Wallace!

BR: Reed can’t believe it! He’s calling for it to be over … he’s going to lock on the Straight Jacket and end this match!

RR: If he can hook it, it’s over.

BR: Here’s the arm bar and now the crossface … the Straightjacket is applied!

RR: But Wallace is fighting it … he’s fighting it! The ref is asking if he wants it to end and submit, but Wallace is still fighting it!

BR: But look … he’s fading … inches away from the ropes … he looks out … the ref checks:

The arm falls ... once

The arm falls … twice

The arm falls … no it doesn’t Wallace is still in it! He reaches … he reaches … he made it to the ropes.

RR: Another show of guts from Wallace.

BR: Reed drags Wallace’s prone form back to the center of the ring … He’s going to go for his variation of the Camel Clutch, the Nocturnal Awakening! But Wallace slams the back of his head into Reed’s crotch! Reed doubles over as Wallace slips out from under him.

RR: A great escape before the hold even got applied …

BR: Wallace has him … BLINDED WITH SCIENCE FACE BOMB! But Wallace is too hurt to go for a pin. Reed is down!

RR: Wallace is coming to … he crawls and reaches an arm over:

1!
2!
3
Reed kicks out!

BR: Wallace can’t believe it … both men getting to their feet slowly … Reed with a right, Wallace with a right!

RR: It’s a war out there …

BR: Reed takes advantage and knocks Wallace down! Reed picks Wallace up and drops him with a body slam. He’s going to the top!

RR: What’s he got in store for us from up there? Hold on, Wallace has grabbed the referee! Lisa grabs Reed and crotches himself on the top rope! Lisa really messed him up! He’s crotched on the top rope facing the corner he fell off of …

RR: This may be the opening Wallace needed! Wallace to the apron adjacent to Reed, he springboards to the top rope and he spears Reed off the rope! What a move! But both men are down!

BR: Wallace is getting up to his feet … slowly, but Reed is still recovering … Wallace back to the top rope … he’s waiting on Reed to get up … He leaps! He’s caught for the Destruction Driver again! NO, he rolls through with an ankle scissors and hooks both legs!

1!
2!
3
it’s over!

RR: NO IT’S NOT! Reed escaped!

BR: how did he escape?!

RR: It’s wild …

BR: Wallace up quick with a right hand that misses and Reed flips upside down and pulls Wallace down with a sunset flip!

1!
2!
3
Wallace flips out and now Reed’s shoulder’s are down!

1!
2!
3
Reed flips Wallace over back into the sunset flip!

1!
2!
3!
Is that it? That’s it! What a series of near falls! Reed wins in a nail biter!

RR: I thought Wallace had him in some of those near falls … That’s two weeks in a row that Reed squeaks by … the competition for the US title is outstanding!

BR: Well, it’s time for our main event. It’s a grudge match, and I don’t even think anyone likes these two any more!

RR: Shane Erikson really proved himself last week. He really put on a terrific match last week.

BR: Only to be attacked by JD Freeman, who put Marcus Payne in the hospital with a concussion.

RR: Speaking of concussions, I hope Daniel Fritz is okay. He landed pretty hard in Pedro Martinez and Chad Foster’s laps.

BR: Speak of the devil, look who’s coming out to the ring … it’s Chad Foster himself! What’s he doing coming out?

RR: I guess he wants his spot back … welcome back to the announcing table, Chad!

CF: Can it Night Stalker. I want to call this match so I can call JD Freeman get his comeuppance! That man deserves an ass kicking more than anyone else in this fed, Shanoski included. After what he did to me last week, what he did Erikson, what he did Payne, and what he did to Vicious Vicki tonight, I want to see that motherfu … I want to see him go down and down hard to the Revenge.

BR: So I guess you’re not going to be impartial.

CF: I guess not. Bring that bastard out here.

BR: And as “Bonecrusher” by Soulhat rattles eardrums, here comes that mountain of a man from the bad side of town, JD Freeman!

RR: He is a monster … hold on … he’s coming this way!

CF: Don’t you dare you scumbag … I’ve got a secret weapon against you … FANG! FANG! HELP ME!

BR: Freeman just grabbed Foster by the neck and he’s dragging him by the throat into the ring! Foster is calling for Fang, but where is he?

RR: Freeman’s got a mic!

Freeman: They can’t hear you Foster. Who are you calling to save you?

Foster: FANG! I need you! You said you dealt with Freeman before! HELP ME!

BR: Freeman looks to the entrance aisle, but no one is coming!

RR: I think we’ve got a camera in the back … find Fang!

BR: And now we’re in the back and there’s Fang … where is he headed?! Is he lost?! He’s going the wrong way … he’s going to get himself locked outside! Someone show him the right way to go!

Freeman: Looks like no one’s going to save you, Foster … I told you to get me a title match, and what do you do? You screw me. Now I screw you!

BR: Don’t do it … Freeman stuffs Foster’s head between his legs and here’s a POWERBOMB! Foster is a quivering mess on the mat …AND it’s “Ain’t It Fun” by G’N’F’N’R! Shane Erikson is coming out to a HUMONGOUS POP!

RR: Freeman just KO’d the ref!

BR: Erikson and Freeman are trading lefts and rights! Erikson with the advantage backs Freeman up, and here’s a clothesline over the top rope! Erikson follows and he’s ramming Freeman into the guard rail! This is sadistic but the crowd is loving it! Into the steel steps and the crowd is going crazy! They love this evil side of Erikson! There’s no ref to DQ him, so why not bash Freeman in the head with a chair! He winds up but Freeman gets out of the way and Erikson hits the post! Freeman gets a big boot up and Erikson goes down … Freeman’s hurting, and I think he may have cut his forehead on the steps.

RR: Look, Bobby, at the entrance way … The Outlawz have come out … and there’s Jamal Jameson as well … and Revolution Y too!

BR: Freeman’s got the chair, and he nails Erikson in the gut with it … and now across the back! Erikson’s down. Freeman rolls Erikson back into the ring. Freeman whips Erikson into the ropes and throws the chair at his face! Erikson goes down like a shot! It looks like Freeman wants to end it right now … he’s set the chair down in the center of the ring, and he’s going to Triple-powerbomb Erikson onto it like he did to Marcus Payne last week! He’s got Erikson’s head stuck between his legs … waistlock and Erikson drops to his knees … LOW BLOW! Freeman’s hurt! Shane to his feet … he hooks him … THE REVENGE!
RR: OH MY GOD!

BR: FREEMAN IS OUT! But there’s no referee to make the count! Shane pins him and counts along with the fans …

1!
2!
3!

RR: Shane’s going to wake up the referee and get him to count … The ref is out of it after being decked by Freeman … but he’s coming to now …

BR: Hold on, Freeman’s got something out of his tights … he’s got brass knucks or something … Erikson picks Freeman up and Freeman nails him! Erikson is down! No, not like this! NOT LIKE THIS!

RR: THIS IS SO WRONG!

BR: Freeman makes the cover, the ref goes down to count:

1!
2!
3
ERIKSON KICKS OUT!

RR: HE KICKED OUT! OH MY GOD!!!!!

BR: Freeman can’t believe it … He decks the ref with the brass knucks! The ref is out again! Freeman picks up Erikson and stands him up, shakily … it looks like Erikson’s in another world …

RR: Whiplash is headed toward the ring!

BR: Freeman slaps Erikson in the face! This is wrong … this is so wrong … Erikson off the ropes and Whiplash nails Freeman in the back with a chair! Freeman staggers forward … Erikson has him hooked … THE REVENGE AGAIN!

RR: OH MY GOD!

BR: Foster’s in the ring! Erikson covers Freeman and Foster counts the pin:

1!
2!
3!

The crowd erupts as Shane Erikson is victorious … Whiplash grabs the mic …
Whiplash: You owe me and the Outlawz, Shane …

BR: Rich, get Shane gets his own mic. Rich gets in the ring and gives Erikson his own mic …

Shane Erikson: I don’t owe you shit, Whiplash!

BR: Whiplash ain’t having any of it as he and the Outlawz head to the back … Rev Y and Jamal Jameson follow suit … look out though, Freeman from behind with a low blow to take Erikson down! This is serious!

RR: Hold on … the lights just went out! It’s a funeral dirge … and here comes Dead Ed in his casket! The Widow is pushing him out … what does this mean for JD Freeman? He’s looking at it pretty anxiously …

BR: AND THE CASKET EXPLODES IN PYROTECHNICS!

RR: What a blast!

BR: The Widow is in the ring … she rips off the veil and it’s MARCUS PAYNE! He and Erikson grab the blinded and dazed Freeman from behind and here’s a double PAYNEKILLER ’99! The face first Russian leg sweep! Freeman is out!

RR: OH MY GOD!

BR: Payne grabs Freeman for a powerbomb … Shane positions the chair and helps Payne lift up the huge man … Shane hooks on a hangman’s neckbreaker on Freeman as Payne drives Freeman down onto the chair! THE BLACK OUT!

RR: OH MY GOD!

BR: Erikson hooks on the Syxx Shooter while Payne grabs the mic!

Marcus: Well, well , well...looks to me like someone might need a medic.

Aww, does that hurt? I guess you reap what you sow, eh? We all saw Mr. Freeman here, invade the Pay Per View last week and try to steal the spotlight. He thought he was above us all and forced his will upon all of us....big mistake. Look at Free Willy now... Let me get to the point... Freeman, Reed, Mondonno, The Oulawz, take heed. On the seventh day, God wasn't resting...he was plotting. The plan was to create a force on earth of his own likeness...so shall it be written, so shall it be done. UWC prepare for your last supper, The Foundation has arrived.

BR: Wow. Payne gives the mic to Erikson, who thankfully has given up on the Syxx Shooter on the out cold Freeman.

Shane: Play time is over, people, the days of passivity and apathy no longer exsist. Don't adjust your TV, we control the horizontal, we control the vertical and we control the talent. The Foundation, have formed for the sole purpose of making UWC what it was...ours. Another day, another death ... another sorrow, another breath. With this in mind, I issue this challenge to the UWC: I challenge you to survive...

BR: We’re out of time! We’ll see you next week with Axel Reed taking on Marcus Payne in the main event!

Surprises, surprises

2004-12-15T15:34:00.000-08:00

One of the things I was going for with the UWC was to have the handlers want to read the entire card everytime. One easy hook was to have a HUGE SURPRISE every now and then. A good shock would get people talking, and then scan the rest of the card for any clue as to what the next surprise was. And I loved to leave clues. Anyway, from Boston Massacre was the first really big surprise: the X-Rated Battle Royal was for the Tag Team Championship. The thought process for me was that: 1) having more than two singles titles with a small roster is stretching it, and 2) a good tag team in e-wrestling is better if there are two separate handlers for the team, as opposed to one guy controlling both. It can work, but it's not as interesting from a dynamic standpoint. So I pulled that surprise. And, well, not surprising, only I can piss people off by having them win a match.

Speaking of surprises, the next Beyond Reason lays the foundation for the Dead Ed Project.

UWC's First Pay-Per-View! Boston Massacre, August 24, 1999

2004-12-13T18:09:00.000-08:00

Boston Massacre!

Video Interlude:
They used to be friends. They used to be partners. They took on the world.

Soon, student tired of teacher. Soon he felt it was his time. And it was. The student won the championship over his teacher.

But there were doubts.

The student beat the top contender.

But there were doubts.

Now the teacher wants to rein in the student. It’s not his time anymore.

The student can’t possibly beat the Teacher, can he?

Do you doubt Shane Erikson?

Of 7 men, one will walk out with United States Championship Gold. They come from disparate backgrounds …

a mountainous prophet from the past
a refugee from the psychiatric ward with multiple personalities
the product of Middle America
the most hated man in professional wrestling
the posterboy for Deliverance
the self-proclaimed extreme icon
the hotshot newcomer

An X-rated Battle Royal for X-rated wrestlers
No rules. No control. No fixed number of competitors? No name for the title?

No problem.

PLUS …

The debut of former XPW superstars

Jamal Jameson takes on the Poodle

Billy Bob and Mondonno end their epic feud in a steel cage

Dead Ed’s mystery unraveled.

And surprises galore!

Bobby Rodriguez: AND WE ARE LIVE!!! We are at Fenway Park and it’s the BOSTON MASSACRE!!!! Get ready for the experience of your life. Along with Chad Foster, I’m Bobby Rodriguez. We’ve got Rich Ramirez roaming the back, and we are ready to go to war. The stadium’s packed, the ring is on Second Base, and it’s a beautiful day.

Chad Foster: There’s no doubt about it. It’s going to be the biggest day for the UWC. But hey, we got the cage up right now. Let’s start this party!

[fireworks]

BR: Hold, on, that’s Ragnarok’s music … The Man, Gabby Ragnarok is coming out to join us here at the broadcast table! Nice to see you Gabriel!

CF: Have a seat … no bad feelings, right Gabby?

GR: Don’t worry about it. I just thought I’d help you call these matches.

BR: And it’s “The Gentle Art of Making Enemies” by Faith No More, and here comes Public Enemy #1, “Magnificent” Brett Mondonno! Accompanied as always by the lovely and talented Whitney! And what a spectacular outfit for her tonight for our special occasion!

CF: You like how I got the wrestlers coming out from behind Home Plate? It’s cool huh?

BR: Yes, and we’d like to thank the Boston Red Sox for helping us stage this big shindig. This is our opener, and it marks the end of an era: Either Mondonno or Billy Bob will survive and be able to say that they won this feud.

CF: Mondonno’s climbing the cage! It’s a crazy moment here … the fans hate him here in Boston! But … the men just love Whitney! Who knows what’s going on! Bobby, did you see Whitney’s new TV commercial for Emporio Armani?

BR: Yes, and Rich tells me that if you freeze frame it at the right moment …

CF: OKAY! Let’s bring out Billy Bob and get this show on the road.

BR: What the hell is that? That’s not his normal music …

CF: It’s “Nursing Home” by Ministry. Some of the guys here are going to be getting new music just for tonight!

BR: Well Billy Bob is coming out to a little pop and heads toward the ring, casting an evil eye towards first base.

CF: I can’t believe Pedro Martinez plunked him this afternoon.

BR: But that doesn’t matter now that the war is on! Mondonno and Billy Bob trading lefts and rights as the ref closes the door!

CF: Rules are simple: Get the pinfall and you win!

BR: Billy Bob is taking control! He grabs Mondonno by the hair and rams him into the steel!

CF: What a shot! And he’s going to do it again! Mondonno is a ragdoll in his arms!

BR: He’s going to do it again! Mondonno is staggering and down he goes! Billy Bob goes for the quick pin!

1!
2!
Mondonno is out!

CF: Billy Bob is all over Mondonno like a cheap suit!

GR: I heard that Billy Bob has a brother that used to wrestle named Bob Billy.

BR: Billy Bob picks Mondonno up and here’s a big whip into the corner! He follows with a big splash! Mondonno falls to his knees and a shot to the back of the head sends him down! Billy Bob off the ropes and he drops a leg on the back of Mondonno’s head! For the win:

1!
2!
Mondonno’s out!

CF: I can’t believe this onslaught!

BR: Mondonno is trying to crawl out of the cage, but there’s nowhere to go! Billy Bob grabs him and he whips him into the ropes and he misses a clothesline. Mondonno puts on the brakes and picks up Billy Bob from behind with an atomic drop! Billy Bob shoots forward and hits the steel face first! He staggers back and Mondonno takes him down with a side Russian Legsweep!

CF: Incredible series of moves here by Mondonno!

BR: He puts Billy Bob into position and hops up to the middle rope … MOONSAULT! Billy Bob is down!

1!
2!
Bob kicks out!

GR: I heard Madonna is releasing a new movie and it will star Mondonno. It's called "Desperately Seeking Talent."

BR: Mondonno gets a head of steam and rams Billy Bob’s head into the steel cage! Here’s a Belly to Back Suplex that puts him down! Mondonno quickly to the top rope! He’s waiting on Billy Bob to get up … and here he comes with a cross body that misses!

CF: Billy Bob was playing a little possum!

BR: Billy Bob quickly with a double leg and he’s pounding on Mondonno’s face! Lefts and rights! Mondonno is in trouble! Billy Bob has him up … and drops him with a PILEDRIVER! For the win!

1!
2!
Mondonno’s up!

CF: These guys are pulling out all the stops!

BR: Mondonno with a quick rake of the eyes! And a low blow that takes Billy Bob to his knees … Mondonno hooks him and he’s going for it! He’s going for “Simply Magnificent!”

CF: Billy Bob is holding onto the top rope! Billy Bob rolls him up!

1!
2!
Mondonno escapes and here’s a clothesline that takes Billy Bob down!

BR: Mondonno whips Billy Bob into the steel and … oh my … I think that spot may have opened up a cut on Billy Bob! Mondonno hooks him from behind … he lifts him up in a reverse vertical suplex! He drops him straight down and Billy Bob has to be out cold!

CF: He could pin him, but he’s too concerned with pissing off the fans more! He’s climbing the cage! Hey Mondonno, if you want to win, you have to pin the guy!

BR: Mondonno is perched atop the cage waiting for Billy Bob to get up … Billy Bob to his feet and here comes Mondonno with an axe handle … HE’S CAUGHT! BELLY WELLY SUPLEX!

CF: Wow! Who knew that redneck could do that! This is how Billy Bob won his match against Mondonno!

BR: Billy Bob just has to get over to make the pin … he’s crawling … he’s crawling and he’s there!

1!
2!
3
Mondonno gets the shoulder up!

CF: So close.

BR: Billy Bob has Mondonno’s leg … he’s going to put the Hogtie on him! He’s trying to turn Mondonno, but he’s fighting it! He’s fighting it! He flips Billy Bob! Mondonno is reaching out of the cage and Whitney is handing him something … Billy Bob drags Mondonno back to the center of the ring and he’s going for the Hogtie again! Hold on … Mondonno just nailed Billy Bob in the face with whatever that was! Billy Bob is hurt!

CF: those are brass knuckles!

BR: He hands them back to Whitney on the floor and he hooks Billy Bob with a front facelock and he lifts him up in the air. This is it, this is his move! He’s letting Billy Bob think about it in the hanging vertical suplex and he drops him with the hangman’s neckbreaker! SIMPLY MAGNIFICENT!

CF: SIMPLY MAGNIFICENT INDEED!

GR: Whatever.

BR: For the win:
1!
2!
3!
Mondonno wins the feud! And he advances to the US Title 4way Elimination match.

CF: Look out! Someone has come out in a black cape … and he’s attacking Mondonno!

BR: That couldn’t be … Dead Ed … could it?

CF: Please. The caped crusader in there is handing it to Mondonno … Billy Bob is joining in!

BR: Look out! Sean Shanoski has come out and he nails Billy Bob from behind! The guy in the black cape has escaped and Shanoski takes out his frustration by grating Billy Bob’s bleeding forehead against the cage!

CF: Whitney’s getting in there and she’s got a chair!

BR: Shanoski grabs it away from her! No, Shanoski, don’t hit her! Don’t do it!

CF: That sick sonofabitch is going to hit her!

BR: Shanoski winds up and he nails Mondonno! Mondonno’s clock has been cleaned! I don’t know what condition he’ll be in for his big US title match! Shanoski throws the chair down and glares at Whitney and walks out of the cage … Mondonno is out cold.

CF: Billy Bob is out of the US title match, but he can still go to the Battle Royal if he so desires.

BR: Well, they’re going to tearing down the cage, let’s go to the back and check in with Rich Ramirez!

Rich Ramirez: Yes, Bobby! As wild and unpredictable it is out there, it’s more so back here! Not only that, but there are wrestlers who we haven’t even entered the UWC back here. Are they just checking out what we have to offer here? Or are they going to make an impact on the action here at the Boston Massacre?

CF: Can you give us any names?

RR: No, I’m afraid not, but I did see a performer from the old ICW back here, and let me tell you that even if this man never sets foot in a wrestling ring, he will definitely make an appearance.

BR: Sound good to you Chad?

CF: Sure.

BR: And you Gabby?

GR: Well … we’ll see who it is.

BR: Let’s get back to the ring and get ourselves another competitor for the US Title 4 way match.

BR: Well folks, the cage has been taken down, and Mondonno has advanced to the US Title 4way match. Unfortunately, a mysterious man and Billy Bob attacked him, only to be saved and then attacked again by Sean Shanoski.

CF: It was wild, but now we’ve got another match for ya.

Axel Reed V. Eric Lee

BR: Well, here comes Axel Reed … He’s got new music tonight too! What is it?

CF: That would be “Facedown” by Monster Magnet … it rocks, it kicks ass, just like the hotshot newcomer Axel Reed. He’s getting a good pop here … the fans I think are heating up to the newcomer.

BR: Well, it’s pretty damn cool … where’s his opponent? Eric Lee?

CF: You like his new music? It’s “Shock the Monkey” by Coal Chamber! That’s Ozzy on backing vocals there.

BR: “Shock the Monkey” really? I love Peter Gabriel, but it fits Eric Lee … Or should I say Zero as he makes his way toward the ring … Hold on … he’s running back into the entrance behind Home Plate …?

CF: What the hell? Oh, look at those fireworks!

BR: Axel Reed is watching all this incredulously … Hold on! Draven is in the ring. That’s yet another of Eric Lee’s personalities!

CF: Eric Lee, or whoever the hell he is, is insane.

GR: What can I say? He really lives up to his nickname(s) Big Zero...Ashe to Ashe, dust to dust beating Eric is a must... Or is that, "Beating Eric is a given."

BR: Lee with a dropkick to the back of the head! Reed caught off guard! Lee is all over Axel Reed with lefts and rights! Here’s a whip but it’s reversed and Reed goes off the ropes himself and he nails Draven with a spear that folds him in half! What a move!

CF: Axel Reed’s not a big guy, but that spear is brutal!

BR: Reed has him hooked and here’s a snap suplex that snaps him over. Off the ropes and here’s a snap elbow drop.

CF: Reed is amazing out there. He’s so proficient in the ring.

BR: Reed pulls up Lee and Lee is starting to fight back. Reed with a quick rake of the eyes that shuts down that offense. He hooks Lee for a belly-to-back but Lee flips out! He bounces off the far ropes and he flies off with a spinning heel kick that takes Reed out of the ring!

CF: Lee’s not afraid to fly …

BR: Draven off the ropes and here’s a SOMERSAULT PLANCHA! Reed is down! Lee rolls Reed back into the ring and heads to the top! Reed is reeling … and he turns around and here comes Lee with a spinning heel kick!

1!
2!
Reed is up!

CF: Reed couldn’t have expected this much offense. Lee is headed back up to the top rope!

BR: But Reed is getting up a little quicker and he hits the ropes and Lee is crotched on the top. Reed is signaling for a superplex! He follows up and Lee is fighting him off! He hooks the head and Lee comes off with a Tornado DDT! NO! Reed blocked it! He hooks the head and the legs and here’s a CRADLE DDT!

CF: Sensational move! What a reversal!

BR: He hooks on an armbar and tucks it between his legs and locks on a crossface. He calls it the Straightjacket, and hey, what better way to put away Eric Lee!

CF: In another fed, they’d call the Straightjacket the Crippler Crossface, but here in UWC, Eric Lee, Draven, Zero, whoever he is calling it quits!

BR: Lee taps! Valiant effort from Eric Lee, but Reed was just too much. Reed advances to the US Title 4 way match!

CF: That match will be something else! So far we’ve got Axel Reed, Brett Mondonno, and the man next to me, Gabriel Ragnarok!

GR: Really, I have to give props to Reed. He's the only other one in the tourney that isn't sleepwalking. He'd actually make a good champion. It'll be interesting to see what he's really made of.

BR: Thanks for that insight, Gabriel. Let’s go now to Rich Ramirez in the back, and he’s with Sean Shanoski. Night Stalker?

RR: Yes, folks, I’m here with Sean Shanoski and you are facing off with Wyatt Wallace tonight, for the opportunity to wrestle in the 4way US Title match. You were already involved tonight in the Billy Bob / Mondonno match, and you really did a number on Mondonno tonight. How do you feel your chances are tonight … OH NO! Shanoski is being attacked by two men dressed in black capes! They came from behind and they are letting Shanoski have it. OH! This is brutal! I’m getting out of here!

BR: Sean Shanoski attacked from behind by men in black capes. Who are these guys? This is the second attack. Who’s next?

Wyatt Wallace v. Sean Shanoski

CF: I can’t believe Shanoski got attacked in the back … isn’t that Shanoski’s M.O.?

BR: Who are those guys in the black capes? If you’re going to jump somebody, just jump him, don’t dress up like it’s Halloween and jump them.

CF: Well, are you ready for Wyatt Wallace and Sean Shanoski, if he’s able?

BR: I think Shanoski’s going to show up. He’s the self-proclaimed Extreme Icon, and I think you’d have to hit him with a truck to keep him from showing up.

CF: Well, here comes Wyatt Wallace … He’s got “Simon Says” by Drain sth playing for him. I hope the fans here appreciate the new music I put with all the guys …

BR: Wyatt Wallace hops over home plate and slides into the ring. Y’know, I like this song. It’s pretty sweet …

CF: Well, I ordered up “Wait and Bleed” by Slipknot for Shanoski, and it might be a little too heavy, but I think it fits Shanoski to a tea.

BR: And here he comes, battered and bruised from that attack, and he looks like he’s ready for a fight. But how much can we expect from Shanoski now? Wallace is all over Shanoski early, and he’s not letting him get to his feet!

CF: That’s what Wallace has got to do!

BR: A whip into the ropes and a dropkick aimed at the ribs connects and drops Shanoski like a rock! I think the caped crusaders hurt Shanoski’s ribs!

CF: Well, no doubt you idiot! Let’s see if Wallace can stop the extreme goof.

BR: Wallace whips Shanoski but Shanoski reverses. Tilt-a-whirl … NO! Wallace with a head scissors take down! Wallace drops a double leg drop on Shanoski’s rib cage and goes for the cover:

1!
2!
Shanoski kicks out!

CF: Shanoski is an idiot.

GR: Wyatt Wallace says he is the "product of Middle America." So is Lake Eerie, the biggest cesspool in the country.

BR: Wallace is now content to kick Shanoski right in the ribs. Wallace off the ropes and here’s a big knee drop! He lifts Shanoski and here’s a big body slam. Wallace is going up to the top … SPLIT LEGGED MOONSAULT! For the win:

1!
2!
Shanoski kicked out!

CF: I can’t believe it.

BR: Shanoski rolls to the floor. He needs a breather … and maybe a chair.

CF: He can’t use the chair! He’ll DQ himself. He can use it all he wants in the battle royal, but not here.

BR: Wallace is bouncing off the ropes and here’s a suicide dive! Wallace is all over Shanoski!

CF: Wallace is looking great here!

BR: Wallace throws Shanoski back in the ring and scales the ropes again. He dives off but he’s caught! Shanoski hooks him and here’s an Exploder suplex! The T-bone! Wallace hit hard!

CF: What a move. I can’t believe I just said that.

GR: Ain't seen nothing from him since I planted him. He REALLY does suck more than a gay mosquito. If ever there was an argument for late term abortions, he's it.

BR: Shanoski is still clutching at his ribs, but Wallace is down. Both men are getting up to their feet, and Wallace takes a wild swing at Shanoski, but Shanoski ducks and he hooks Wallace from behind! Reverse Vertical Suplex drops Wallace down stomach first!

CF: I’m speechless.

BR: Shanoski dumps Wallace onto the apron. He’s pointing at you Chad Foster!

CF: He better not.

BR: He’s going for the Agent Orange! He’s going to obliterate Wallace! Get out of the way Chad!

CF: I’m not moving. If he wants to try and dump Wallace onto me, let him try!

BR: Shanoski has Wallace hooked, but he’s more concerned with jawing with Foster … Wallace with a shot to the ribs! He back body drops Shanoski over the turnbuckles! Shanoski lands on the floor with a thud!

CF: See what happens? He’s taking an extreme beating!

BR: Wallace is going to the top rope! Shanoski’s hurt! SENTON BOMB FROM THE TOP TO THE FLOOR!

CF: That’s extreme!

BR: Wallace is favoring his back but he throws Shanoski back into the ring. Wallace to the top … SHOOTING STAR PRESS!

1!
2!
3!

Wallace wins and advances! Convincing win, but how much did Shanoski have left after that attack in the back?

CF: Give it a rest. Wyatt Wallace just proved that he belongs in the UWC. And Shanoski can take his extreme bullshit and stick it.

BR: Chad, I know you don’t like Sean Shanoski, but he was jumped immediately prior to his match by two unnamed goons in capes. I don’t want to argue with you. Shanoski got shafted.

CF: Whatever. Let’s go to Rich Ramirez in the back with Pedro Martinez. Rich?

RR: Thanks Chad, I’m here with Pedro Martinez and I know that there was a bit of an altercation at the baseball game today, but tell me how you feel.

Pedro Martinez: Well, beisball is berry berry good to me. Wrestling, is berry berry bad to me. I love to watch, but no more participation!

RR: Well, Pedro … OH MY GOD! Those two men in black capes are back and they’re beating up Pedro Martinez! Someone stop these guys! Back to you Bobby!

Jamal Jameson v. the Poodle

BR: Well folks, thank you Gabriel for your insight during the qualifying matches, good luck in the 4 way.

GR: Thank you.

CF: I never liked that guy.

BR: Oh give it a rest. Well, folks, here we go with the only match without championship implications tonight, and it’s not because we don’t think they aren’t any good. In fact, these two are pretty highly regarded rookies … well, one by me and the other by Foster … we’ll let you decided which one of us likes which one of these two competitors. The self-proclaimed “BesThinGoing” Jamal Jameson takes on The Poodle!

CF: You know how this whole thing got started. The Poodle marked his territory and this BTG felt threatened!

BR: What are you talking about? The Poodle came out during Jameson’s interview and peed on him! Twice!

CF: Well, you can see it that way, or you can see a truly talented man in the most ingenious gimmick of all time. This’ll be the Twilight Match as the sun sets across venerable Fenway Park.

BR: Okay … well, folks, here comes the “BesThinGoing” Jamal Jameson to the ring! What’s his song, Chad?

CF: It’s “Master of the Game” by Kool Keith. Forget about all them other rappers. They couldn’t hold a candle to Kool Keith.

BR: You’re call, Chad, but I do kinda enjoy this. And what do we have for the Poodle?

CF: “Dog Bone” by Curve of course! And here he comes, in full scamper!

BR: The Poodle flies into the ring and a Thesz Press takes Jameson down and the Poodle is trying to bite Jameson on the neck! The Poodle really thinks he’s a dog!

CF: It’s BRILLIANT!

BR: Jameson has his arm up and he is blocking the Poodle’s bite with his forearm! That’s got to be painful … and illegal!

CF: It’s BRILLIANT!

BR: Jameson is pounding the Poodle in the face with his free arm and the Poodle let’s go and lets out a yelp. The Poodle rushes again but Jameson cuts him down with a spinning heel kick!

CF: Hey, he’s hitting a dog!

BR: Jameson lifts the poodle up and here’s a snap suplex that takes the Poodle over. Off the ropes and here’s an elbow drop that misses! The Poodle is up and he hits a clothesline that takes Jameson off his feet! And another! And Another one that takes Jameson out of the ring! The Poodle lets out a howl … and dare I say it … the fans are joining in?

CF: He’s an incredible talent!

BR: Jameson is getting back in the ring but he’s caught by the Poodle! The Poodle hooks him and here’s a vertical suplex back into the ring! Jameson is hurt! The Poodle grabs Jameson around the waist and here’s a backbreaker! I have to say, this Poodle is better in the ring than I thought he’d be …

CF: I told you so!

BR: Jameson brought to his feet again and the Poodle whips him into the ropes … Big Boot but Jameson ducks and grabs the Poodle’s arm with him! He hooks the other and here’s a Pumphandle Slam that rocks the Poodle!

CF: I’ll admit that that was amazing.

BR: Jameson is making the Poodle get to his feet and he stuffs his head between his legs. He lifts up and he spikes him down with the piledriver! These are some seriously high impact moves!

CF: And he’s not going for the pin! This could come back to haunt him!

BR: Jameson has him down … he heads for the top … here it comes a big elbow smash! It misses! The Poodle got out of the way!

CF: They’re both getting up!

BR: The Poodle with a kick to the … yelp … and a DDT! For the win!

1!
2!
3
Jameson kicks out! That was close!

CF: Ah, he was down!

BR: Poodle with a whip into the ropes and he catches Jameson with a sleeper! Is Jameson going to go out? No, he’s elbowing his way out of it and he pushes the Poodle off him and into the ropes. Kick to the gut is caught! Insuigiri kick to the back of the head! The Poodle is turned around, but not down! Jameson to his feet, Full Nelson … DRAGON SUPLEX!

1!
2!
3!
IMPRESSIVE FIRST WIN for Jamal Jameson. I have a feeling we’ll be seeing a lot of him coming down the pike.

CF: Yeah … he was pretty good, but I thought the Poodle looked pretty damn good out there himself also.

BR: An actual comment from Chad Foster … this PPV is truly a special moment for us all.

CF: Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got something important to do.

THE DEAD ED THING

BR: Well, Chad Foster has headed toward the ring, and I think this is what has been rumored … he’s going to reveal the identity of Dead Ed! I for one have no idea whatsoever where this is going.

CF: Ladies and Gentlemen, I brought one man to this federation, one man who I knew could be trusted to eliminate some of the dregs of this company. I mean, this could be one of the greatest feds of all time, but we’re constantly being undermined. So I brought this man to the fed, allowed him to infiltrate, get a feel for all of it. He entered as a jobber, and under a mask, so no one would realize the greatness that stood before them. But I feel that now, yes now, at the first ever UWC PPV, the Boston Massacre, that I can unleash this force. I’ve been pushed, by the likes of Vincent Masters, Sean Shanoski, and Marcus Payne, and I’m not taking this kind of crap anymore. When I reveal this man, it is going to be the damndest damn thing of all time. No one measures up. No one can stop him. I ask all of you here …

DO YOU BELIEVE?

DO YOU BELIEVE?

BELIEVE IT!

I’m going to do it! Dead Ed, get out here and reveal yourself!

BR: Good Lord … he couldn’t mean … The lights in the entire arena have suddenly gone out. A quiet, curious murmur runs through the crowd wondering what's going on. Hell, I’m wondering what’s going on!

The beat to "More Human than Human" cranks up. A few wild cheers go up, but most of the crowd is still mystified like me. The moans of the women now come up on the song and more people are starting to get the idea as the word of who may appear sweeps through the crowd like wild fire. The music part comes up and the lights come back with a bright force. A man enters from the back curtain as dozens of fireworks explode all around him, still sheilding him from the crowd. The cheer has already started among those who have figured it out. The fireworks start to die down and an enormous pop erupts in the arena. Walking down the aisle, is none other than the one....the only....

IT’S DIRK RYAN!!!!!

He’s wearing khaki pants and a black polo shirt, his jet black hair is cropped short and combed straight down. He stops at the beginning of the ramp and raises his arms. The crowd responds by only getting louder, if that was possible. Dirk stands at the top of the ramp, basking in the crowd reaction for a few moments, then makes his way down to the ring. He just nods his head to the crowd as he walks to the ring, finally stepping through the ropes, he is thrown a microphone. He stands in the center of the ring, still listening to the crowd's deafing roar. Foster has left the ring and is glowering outside.

Ryan raises his hand to shoulder level, and lowers it. As he lowers his hand, the crowd starts to quiet. When it’s quiet enough for him to talk, he raises the mic to his lips...

DR: Dirk Ryan......is back.

BR: The crowd explodes again with a pop that could wake the dead. Hell, maybe even Dead Ed! And again, Dirk has to use his hand to quiet the crowd.

Allow this to be a warning to every single wrestler who graces the rings of the UWC ...The King Has Returned. And not a single person will ever be the same. For all of you that don't know who I am, you need to just go home right now, because you aren't real wrestling fans. Any wrestler who doesn't know who I am, just wait, because I guarantee you will. After an extended absence, I have returned to the wonder world of Wrestling, and I am back with a VENGANCE.

BR: The crowd is going nuts for him! He’s one of the greats of all time.

DR: When Chad Foster approached me a few weeks ago about coming to the UWC, I was hesitant. You see, The last fed I was in drove me insane. I was given a gimmick that would kill even the greatest wrestler...and it nearly did. I thought I was through with wrestling for good after that. But then I took a look at some of the UWC talent, and you know what I decided?.....WRESTLING NEEDS DIRK RYAN!!!

BR: These pops are eardrum popping! No pun intended …

DR: I have been watching the talent the last few weeks, and I must say I am dearly missed. It's as if they have no one to point out all their shortcomings...everyone wants to talk about himself, nobody wants to point out the other guy’s faults. Well, I called up Foster and told him that without me, his federation was going to fail faster than his marriage.

BR: HUGE POP for that one!

DR: Foster, realizing he had little choice but to agree with me, now had a very tough task. He had to find the money to pay the salary of Dirk Ryan. And boys, let me tell you something, if you combined Marcus Payne's and Shane Erickson's paychecks, you still wouldn't have as much as I make. Which is about right because if you combined Payne and Erickson's talent levels, you wouldn't have as much as I have. Thus, Dirk Ryan makes his return to the wrestling business with a very fun job. I don't wrestle, I don't get hit, I don't get tired, I just get to make fun of people. And I can't think of a more fun job than that. All I have to do is come out here, give my world famous Reviews, and pick up the paycheck.

BR: I wish I had that job!

Hey Boston....DO YOU WANT SOME REVIEWS???

BR: The Crowd is going wild! Ryan Chants are everywhere, and Ryan is pulling out his note cards …

DR: Just so I won't forget anybody important, I brought along some reminder cards. Well, without further adeu, lets get this son of a bitch on ...who better to start with than…

Shane Erickson- A world champion with skills that should put him no further than a US Title belt. Shane, your wrestling talent is about the same as your interviews...showing promise, but also leaving something to be desired.

Marcus Payne- For someone who's last win was over a man who should never be allowed to wrestle, you sure are cocky. Not that I have anything against cockiness, but maybe if you spent more time training and less time bragging, you would already be World Champ and not 0-2 against Erickson.

Chad Foster-If you ever come into my ring again, I'll kick the hell out of you myself. You are an owner, and not a very good one at that. You should never try to be a wrestler, it is an insult and an embarrassment to all of us who call ourselves wrestlers … or former wrestlers.
Gabby Ragnarok- I'd put you in the same category as Erickson, except that instead of over-acheving like him, you've totally underachieved. We all keep waiting for you to bust open and run wild, but the longer we wait, the less likely its going to happen.

Sean Shanoski-WTF? You know what, I take it back. If Foster wants to come wrestle I'd be ok only if he wrestled Shanoski. That would be a match to watch. I'm not even sure who would win. Talk about an embarassment to wrestling...

Jamal Jameson- Hey, I started to watch your interview. But I fell asleep. When I woke up 45 minutes later, it was still on.

Alex "Don't Call me Donna because I'm not a damn woman" Reed- ...who? I don't think I've ever heard of him before?

The Poodle-Uh...no matter how weird it is to piss on fire hydrants, anybody who pile drives a cat on national television has got to be cool. He'll probably never win a match, but at least we won't go unentertained.

Brett Mondonno-You know what, I'd consider you a title contender if you hadn't almost lost to Billy Bob. Its hard to be taken seriously when things like that happen, speaking of losers, who's next...

Billy Bob- A step up from Shanoski...but that's not really a good thing. I know, why don't you put the pig away, change your name to Robert, move to the city, and get a different personality, the one you have right now is pathetic.

BR: The crowd loves Dirk Ryan and his reviews!

DR: Well folks, I think that will wrap things up for me tonight. Just so you know, the opinions spoken here aren't necessarily those of the UWC....Aw, Fuck it, Hell Yes they're the opinions of the UWC, they are the opinions of the entire World. Its Great to be Back!

BR: And Ryan leaves, and the crowd is dying for more!

CF: Well … please, another ovation for Dirk Ryan. Thank you for bringing life to our party. NOW, back to MY show. I ask you again,

DO YOU BELIEVE?

Dead Ed, get out here!

BR: Whoa … the lights just went out around here … it’s getting dark … LOOK! On the Jumbotron in Center Field! A countdown!

10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
Y

AND FIREWORKS! Like mad! Like bombs are going off!

Voice: THE REVOLUTION HAS RETURNED!

Voice: It been a long time, it been a long time coming, but there ain't no turning back, this is what makes me, this is what I am.

BR: That was the voice of Puffy Combs and Nas …MORE FIREWORKS! At the entrance ramp! It’s Tommy Kain and Millennium!

DD: Yes, Yes, I know what you all are thinking. They stole Jericho's Millennium clock. Well who, I ask was the First man of the New Millennium. Yeah tha’ts right. You're looking at him. I had to change the name to “Future Shock” Damon Damani, cuz Big Dumb Zid and Jericho both make it uncool to use the word. So I just figured, they borrow something from me, I borrow something from them. But let’s talk about what this whole Revolution thing is all about. Payne, Shane, the rest of UWC, your lives hasn't been the same since we were last in it. So me and Kain decided we would do you a favor by gracing you with our presence. Y? Cuz We Feel Like It.

TK: Well looky here, looky here. Look who the big bad cat drug in. That's right folks, good ol' TK has decided to bring a little bit of life to this ol' Pay Per View. Now for those that don't know or can't read, the real REVOLUTION is upon ya. The Y has decided to grace the halls of the UWC. Now me and Damon are real sorry to interrupt your show, but we just had to come and see this lover's spat err I mean main event match for ourselves. I just gotta know, Marcus, Shane, when did you guy's little lovelife go sour. Hell last I saw, you two were runnin’ around with a big dumb guy callin’ himself Big Fatty or something like that. But know it comes to this, you two, fighting tooth and nail, all for what fellas, a belt, a gold strap. How sad, especially seein’ how that belt will be mine in a few weeks anyway. But you guys knew that already and you also knew one more thing, we're the Y and we're TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL, AND WELL..........................YOU'RE NOT!

BR: Tommy Kain and Damon Damani have headed to the back with a statement for Marcus Payne and Shane Erikson, and Chad Foster seems still a little angry.

CF: The Revolution? Y? Because no one cares! They only want to see and know one thing: WHO IS DEAD ED?

I ask you one more bleeding time:

DO YOU BELIEVE?

BR: The arena lights dim and a huge red spotlight is centered on the entrance. A rather quick guitar riff begins to play as smoke billows from under the entrance ramp. The music rises in intensity and the opening lyrics of Bonecrusher by Soul Hat begins to ring through the arena. Wait a minute, that’s not Dead Ed’s music …

Chad Foster stands in the middle of the ring with a shocked look on his face as the man we have all been waiting to see virtually flows through the billowing smoke. He stops right after emerging and takes a long look around the arena.

Finally we are able to see the face behind the man. The camera starts at the top and works it’s way down his body. The man has short blond hair that is combed straight back, Directly underneath that is a pair of pale blue eyes that could almost peer directly into a man’s soul. I can’t help but notice the scar. It starts just outside his right eye and snakes it’s way down his jawline to the point of his chin. He is wearing a black tee shirt and as the camera pans down a bit, we finally see the logo that is on it. In red smoldering letters, the name “JD Freeman” stands out. The man, who is obviously JD Freeman, slowly stalks to the ring and makes a complete circle, all the while, keeping his eyes on Foster. After going around the ring, Freeman rolls under the bottom rope and walks up to Foster.

CF: You’re … you’re not Dead Ed ….

BR: He looks down at the smaller man and rips the microphone out of his hand.

Freeman: Well as most of you may know by now, Devastation has just hit the UWC!

BR: The crowd is giving a mixture of cheers and boos. They don’t know quite how to react …

Freeman: Now I’m sure that some of you may, or may not know who I am. And for those of you that do… well then you know just how dangerous this man can be! But… for those of you that don’t know JD Freeman, well all I can say is this. Prepare yourselves boy, cause the measuring stick in these parts has just changed!

Crowd: BOO!

Freeman: Now… onto the reason that I am here. As some of you know, there’s gonna be a little thing tonight called a title match. I think it’s supposed to be for the UWC World Heavyweight Title or something like that.

Crowd: YAY!

Freeman: Well there’s a little something that I have to say here. Actually, the real reason that I came out here at this time is to have a little chat with this gentleman.

BR: Oh no … Chad … Freeman is pointing at him and beckoning him over …

Freeman: Come on over here buddy, you and I gotta talk. Well actually, I’ll be doing the talking, and you’ll just stand there and nod stupidly when I tell you to!

BR: Freeman grabs Chad by the collar!

Freeman: Now here’s the deal buddy. Here’s what you’re gonna do. Since JD Freeman is now in the UWC, you have one specific job, and that is this. You’re gonna get me a shot at that World Title! You see, I’m above every single wrestler in this federation after all that I’ve been through. After all that I’ve done and seen, I’ll be DAMNED if I’m gonna waste my time and energy on the mere beginners that seem to proliferate this federation!

Crowd: BOO!

Freeman: This is not the first federation that JD Freeman has devastated with his presence, and I’m certain that it will not be the last, but one thing is certain. The UWC that you all have grown to know and love is now… officially… history! Everything that you thought you knew has now changed. Every little detail has now come under my control. Your very lives rest in the palm of my hand and it’s just a matter of time before I tighten the grip and squeeze the life out of each and every one of you! and when the dust clears, we will find JD Freeman standing alone. Just as it was always meant to be!

Crowd: BOO!

Freeman: And now before I go, there’s one final detail that needs to be addressed. You see, I’m in a good mood today and this is the time that you thank whatever god that you believe in that I’m in such a good mood. So …

BR: Freeman just forced Foster to his knees!

Freeman: Get to thanking boy! And make sure that you remember the job that I have for you! Because if you don’t… well then JD Freeman will take this little empire that you’ve built around yourself and send it crashing down around your ass!!

BR: Freeman takes one final look around the arena before his music starts. He then slips out beneath the bottom rope and heads back to the locker room area. JD Freeman … He’s here with a vengeance, and he’s out to get our world title … Chad … are you okay?

CF: I’m fine … Keep that man away from me.

BR: But what about Dead Ed? Are you going to bring him out?

CF: Forget it.

BR: Forget it?

CF: I said drop it. Don’t we have a Battle Royal to do?

Battle Royal

BR: Well folks, it’s time for our X-Rated Battle Royal. The rules?

CF: There are no rules. Do what you like. The only rule is that when you are thrown over the top, you’re gone.

BR: Who’s in it? Who’s the favorite?

CF: Who knows. Whoever shows up I guess.

BR: With that said, let’s bring out the guys that want to get this party started.

CF: And they are coming out to Atari Teenage Riot’s “By Any Means Necessary.” Seemed appropriate.

BR: Well, it’s a who’s who of professional wrestling … Guru, Eric Lee, Luni, Matt Youngblood, Mecca, Jarred Matthews, Whiplash, and Vicki are headed out to the ring … hold on … the lights just went out again …

CF: Not another surprise …

BR: It’s Dead Ed! He’s laying in the center of the ring!

CF: Ugh. Him again.

BR: So you’re not going to reveal his identity?

CF: Forget it. The lights are dimming again!

BR: Look … to the entrance! It’s the men in the black capes! Who are they?

CF: They’re taking off their capes …

BR: It’s Billy Bob and Daniel Fritz! Those two?

CF: What’s it say on their shirts … “Natural Born Killaz?”

BR: They’re rushing into the ring and we’ve got ourselves a battle royal! They’re pairing off … Mecca and Luni are at each other’s throats, Matthews and Whiplash are protecting Vicious Vicki in one corner, and Youngblood and Guru are fighting in another! Fritz and Billy Bob are all over Eric Lee! Billy Bob is assisting and Fritz has him up and down for the Tonicator! Dead Ed is still lying in the center of the ring! Youngblood is almost out, but Mecca comes over to hammer Guru from behind … now he’s almost gone!

CF: You can’t trust anyone in a battle royal.

BR: Billy Bob and Fritz have Eric Lee hurt they toss him and he’s the first guy eliminated … Hold on … “Wait and Bleed” by Slipknot has come back on and here comes the extreme icon … he’s out for revenge!

CF: Billy Bob and Fritz attacked him earlier and cost him his shot at the US title! Now he’s going to cost them!

BR: Fritz is tangling with Matthews now, and Billy Bob doesn’t realize that Shanoski is right behind him! Shanoski tosses Billy Bob over the top rope and onto the apron … he’s not eliminated yet … Shanoski slides under the bottom and grabs a chair … hell, he’s tossing a bunch of chairs into the ring!

CF: That Shanoski I guess is trying to make it X-rated!

BR: Shanoski OBLITERATES Billy Bob with that chair shot! Welcome to concussion city, Billy Bob! Shanoski has Billy Bob up … he’s … he’s … Look out Chad! AGENT ORANGE THROUGH THE COMMENTARY TABLE! CHAD FOSTER WAS AGAIN CAUGHT IN THE DESTRUCTION!

Well, I don’t have a table anymore, but I got to keep calling the action! Shanoski is still in the battle royal. He hasn’t been thrown over the top yet. In fact, he’s setting up another table for me right now, and putting tables all around the ring!

Back to the action inside, Daniel Fritz is being double teamed at the moment by Whiplash and Matthews, but here comes Matt Youngblood to help. Guru and Mecca are going at each other, and I think Luni and Dead Ed are discussing drug recipes … Who’s coming to the ring? Zero? Oh God … well, I guess Foster said no rules … Who’s the chick behind him? She’s hot! Fritz has Matthews on the defensive … Zero is in and he’s hopped onto Luni and they are trading shots. The young lady is wearing a Jarred Matthews shirt … I can barely make it out around the curves of her bosoms … Hey Rich, thanks for coming out while Chad is being nursed to the back …

RR: Yeah, it was nice of Shanoski to give us another table … That Blond just grabbed a hold of Fritz arm! Fritz turns around and he HITS her in the face! Matthews with a clothesline to the back of the head and Fritz is out of the ring and onto a table! Shanoski is getting back into the ring finally … Fritz has not touched the concrete yet …

BR: Shanoski and Mecca have tangled and now look! Matthews, Whiplash and Guru are triple gorillapressing Matt Youngblood! He’s over the top rope and onto Fritz through the table to the floor!! Fritz and Youngblood are eliminated!

RR: This is insanity! Who’s left?

BR: Let’s see, we’ve got Shanoski, Guru, Whiplash, Matthews, Vicki, Mecca, Luni, Zero … I think that’s it … no, Dead Ed is at the bottom of that pile too!

RR: Luni just DDTed Matthews! He’s down! Guru and Mecca are brawling, Whiplash is still guarding Vicki in the corner, Shanoski is letting Zero have it, and Dead Ed is … dead!

BR: Luni is mounting the top rope! That’s never a good idea in a battle royal! He flies off and Mecca catches him … but he’s off balance … and they both tumble out of the ring and through a table!

RR: Seemed like a good idea at the time, I guess, but Luni and Mecca are both gone! Mecca was my pick to win it all!

BR: Who’s coming down the aisle now? It’s the Poodle!

RR: I’m not sure how good of an idea was to have a battle royal where people can walk in as they please.

BR: Well, what can you do! Vicki just punted Zero in the nuts! That’s vicious! Shanoski and Whiplash have started brawling, and Matthews is recovering in the corner from a DDT … The Poodle is climbing the corner behind Vicki … he raises his leg and OH NO! He’s letting a stream of urine out! He’s PEEING ON Vicious Vicki! Whiplash pulls Vicki out of the way and the stream is now hitting Dead Ed’s supine form!

RR: Here comes Jamal Jameson! This battle royal has come to a halt because of the Poodle’s sick fetish! Jameson in and Slams into the poodle with a forearm that sends the Poodle crashing through a table …

BR: That may have been the biggest damn pop of the night! Vicki is livid, and Dead Ed is soaked! Matthews and Jameson are now brawling, Whiplash and Shanoski, Guru and Zero! Reverse a whip and Whiplash nails Zero and he’s gone!

RR: Zero’s eliminated! I hope he doesn’t come back as Draven! LOOK! Coming down the aisle! It’s Whitney! And she’s still in that outfit! Did you see her latest DKNY print ad?

BR: No, Night Stalker, but if she gets into this battle royal, she might get hurt! Is there anyone left that could possibly enter this match? Shanoski has a chair and he nailed Guru! Another one for Whiplash!

RR: No, I don’t think so … no one that doesn’t already have a match. Except … nah, it wouldn’t happen …

BR: I can’t believe how good Shanoski’s doing. He got attacked in the back and now he’s kicking ass in the battle royal.

RR: Whitney’s on the apron and she’s got a handful of Vicki’s hair! She yanks and Vicki tumbles over the top rope! Vicki’s gone! Oh no … here comes Draven!

BR: this is craziness … who do we have left?

RR: Counting Draven, we’ve got Draven, Shanoski, Matthews, Whiplash, Guru, Jameson and Dead Ed … I don’t think anyone else is coming out …

BR: Don’t say that … look who’s coming out now … JD FREEMAN!

RR: Oh no … Shanoski and Whiplash are brawling, Guru and Draven are tangled, and Jameson and Matthews. Matthews drops Jameson with a VanDaminator … as Freeman enters the ring … what is going to happen now …

BR: Freeman walks right to the center of the ring as the others are brawling in the corners … he reaches down and grabs Dead Ed’s throat … and with one hand … ONE HAND! … this behemoth of a man is lifting Dead Ed’s lifeless body in the air … he tosses Dead Ed out of the ring like an afterthought! Dead Ed is eliminated … and Freeman means business! Guru drops Draven with the Throat Cancer Bulldog, but he’s caught by the neck by Freeman! The 6’8” monster lifts Guru into a gorilla Press!

RR: Whiplash from behind hits Freeman and he drops Guru. Whiplash off the ropes and Freeman kicks Lash in the gut! Freeman throws Whiplash’s head between his legs and is lifted up before he had a chance to do anything! POWERBOMB OVER THE TOP ROPE TO THE TABLE TO THE FLOOR! Whiplash is eliminated!

BR: This action is furious! Guru is on Freeman’s back, but a back elbow sends Guru down and Jameson grabs Guru with a reverse DDT! Guru is down! Jameson is unloading lefts and rights at Freeman, but they seemingly have no effect! Off the ropes and a Spinning heel kick takes Freeman down! Shanoski nails Jameson with a spear to take him down. Guru is now both trying to keep Freeman down and Matthews almost has Draven out of the ring! Freeman has got Guru by the throat again! He hooks him and a Falcon Arrow drops Guru dead in his tracks! Shanoski is all over Jameson, and Draven is fighting back on Matthews now! Shanoski nails Draven and Matthews and Jameson now battle! Freeman has got Guru up in a gorilla press again! He drops him face first onto the table outside of the ring! Guru is gone!

RR: I think Guru might be more than eliminated. JD Freeman has stepped over the top rope … he’s eliminating himself?! WHY?

BR: Who knows … I guess we’re down to our final 4 … “BesThinGoing” Jamal Jameson, Draven, Sean Shanoski and Jarred Matthews. Things have calmed down a bit … Matthews puts Jameson down with a crescent kick to the face while Shanoski whips Draven into the corner. Shanoski puts Draven onto the top rope … He motions for Matthews to go to the adjacent top rope … Shanoski grabs Draven from the top rope with a gorilla press and carries Draven to the center of the ring … he spikes him down with the Widowmaker!

RR: Matthews off the top … Franchise Flip! A 450 Splash onto Draven! Jamal Jameson with a spinwheel kick and Shanoski’s been eliminated! Matthews tosses the limp body of Draven over the top! We’ve got our final two! Jarred Matthews and Jamal Jameson! They eye each other …. And the bell rings?

BR: Chad Foster has come out of the back … he’s limping, and he’s got a half dozen cuts on him and he’s got the mic:

CF: Ladies and Gentlemen, the winners of the X-rated Battle Royal and NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD, JARRED MATTHEWS AND JAMAL JAMESON!

BR: The undetermined title was the tag belts! Jarred Matthews and Jamal Jameson have been at each other’s throats all night! They don’t even know each other! Foster hands the title belts to the refs … he hands it to Jameson and Matthews who eye each other suspiciously …

RR: Look out! Whiplash, Guru and Vicki and that woman who helped Matthews eliminate Fritz have gotten back into the ring! Whiplash nails Jameson in the back of the head! Matthews with the tag title belt measures and nails Jameson in the face! Guru grabs him and drives him down with the throat cancer bulldog! Whiplash to the top! Beheading Somersault Leg Drop! Matthews to the top! Franchise Flip 450 Splash! Jameson has been decimated!

BR: Vicki has the mic!

Vicki: Vicki: UWC, say hello to the "Outlawz!!" We call the shots now!

BR: Matthews drapes Jameson’s half of the tag title belts across his chest as he, Guru, Whiplash, Vicki and whoever is that other chick leave … the “Outlawz” indeed.

RR: I worry about their future as Tag Team Champions. Chad Foster really pulled out a wild one here.

US Title

BR: Well, Rich, ordinarily, this where we’d send you to the back to interview someone, but Chad Foster has limped back there and, since he doesn’t feel safe right now to be at the announcing booth, he’s taken your job! So, back to you Chad in the back!

CF: Very Funny. I’ll be back out there later after I get these cuts straightened out. I’ll get you Shanoski. Just you wait. Here’s the injury report for the battle royal: Guru chipped a tooth when he flew out of the ring. Vicki has a ruined outfit because of the Poodle, and Billy Bob has a concussion and he may have partially torn his rotator cuff when Shanoski decided to drop him on me.

BR: How are you doing Chad?

CF: I’m fine. I’ll get Shanoski back another day.

BR: Chad … look out behind you! Shanoski just slaps Chad in the back of the head! He grabs Chad’s mic!

Shanoski: You can’t hold me back any longer!

BR: Shanoski’s as extreme as he wants to be! He’s leaving, and something tells me that Vicki’s out fit may not be the only one stained with urine …

RR: That’s sick …

BR: Well, we’ve crowned new tag team champions tonight … rather unexpectedly I might add, and it’s time to crown another one. This one’s for the US Title, and it’s a 4 way elimination match with Magnificent Brett Mondonno, Gabriel Ragnarok, Wyatt Wallace and Axel Reed.

RR: And here they come …. Here’s Brett Mondonno coming out first to “The Gentle Art of Making Enemies” by Faith No More. Whitney’s along side of him as usual. I wonder if he’s recovered from his beating at the hands of Sean Shanoski and I’m assuming Daniel Fritz who came down with the cape. And the cage match … god … three separate beatings for Mondonno already tonight … He really is the most hated man in the UWC!

BR: Here comes “The Product of Middle America” Wyatt Wallace to “Simon Says” by Drain sth. He defeated a weakened Sean Shanoski, who was attacked immediately prior to his match by Daniel Fritz and Billy Bob. Shanoski got his revenge and damn near won the battle royal, but he’s not in this match … Wyatt Wallace is.

RR: Here comes Axel Reed … He looks pissed off … again. I guess there must have been a glitch upstairs … Reed was the first guy to kick Eric Lee’s ass tonight. And he did it very convincingly.

BR: And last but not least, here’s Gabriel Ragnarok, to the same “Ragnarok” theme he’s always had. The rules are simple: You get pinned or you submit, you’re out. Last man in wins.

RR: Gabriel Ragnarok has got to be the favorite: He’s the only one that hasn’t wrestled a match previous to this one today … in some cases, Mondonno’s in particular, he’s been through hell already!

BR: And here we go! Reed and Ragnarok immediately go after one another and Wallace is all over Mondonno! Wallace mounts the ropes and starts hammering on Mondonno! Let’s count:
1!
2!
3!
4!
5!
6!
7!
8!
9!
10!

Mondonno is out and Wallace turns around and is met by a Reed right hand! And another! Reed whips Wallace right into a Ragnarok big boot!

RR: First they’re fighting each other, and then they’re working as a team.

BR: Mondonno with a wild right on Reed that misses and Reed catches Mondonno with a Reverse DDT! Reed with a quick pin:

1!
2!
Ragnarok slams Wallace onto Reed and Mondonno! Mondonno is buried! His shoulders are still down!

1!
2!
The pile disintegrates and Mondonno’s up! Ragnarok and Wallace are going at it and now Reed has Mondonno in the corner … he mounts the corner!

1!
2!
3!
4!
5!
6!
7!
8!
9!
10!

Mondonno is out of it!

RR: Mondonno’s gotten in zero offense so far!

BR: Ragnarok with a whip into the ropes and he puts his head down … Wallace grabs Ragnarok’s head and drives him face first into the mat! He Blinded him with Science! Reed turns around and he gets a kick into the gut! He’s Blinded with Science! Wallace springboards off the ropes with a Lionsault onto Ragnarok!

1!
2!
3
Mondonno with a save!

RR: Mondonno with a save? This is an elimination match! Mondonno’s been hammered in the head a ton tonight, so maybe he’s confused!

BR: Mondonno hooks Wallace! Vertical Suplex … and he drops him with the “Simply Magnificent!” Wallace is out! Mondonno turns around and he’s plowed by a Reed spear! Reed picks up Mondonno and throws him into the corner! Not again!

1!
2!
3!
4!
5!
6!
7!
8!
9!
10!

RR: Look! Ragnarok is covering Wallace still hurt from the “Simply Magnificent!”

1!
2!
3
Wallace kicks out!

BR: Ragnarok picks up Wallace and he’s heading over to the corner … he’s going to put Wallace in the Lucifuge! The Face-first Powerbomb! Reed drags Mondonno to the center of the ring and drills him down with a piledriver!

RR: Wallace is getting away from Ragnarok! Ragnarok falls! Wallace to the top! Reed turns around and is nailed by a Wallace Missile Dropkick! Mondonno covers!

1!
2!
Reed kicks out!

BR: Wallace takes a swing at Mondonno and Mondonno hooks Wallace from behind! He’s up in a reverse vertical suplex! Ragnarok from behind grabs Wallace and kicks Mondonno away! TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER on Wallace!

1!
2!
3
Wallace kicks out!

RR: Amazing! What intestinal fortitude!

BR: Ragnarok can’t believe it and he takes a wicked kick to the face from Mondonno! Here comes Reed and he runs right into a Mondonno kick to the gut! Mondonno hooks the front facelock! He’s got Reed up … “Simply Magnificent!”

RR: Reed is out! But Mondonno is too winded to make the cover … Ragnarok lifts Wallace for a two handed chokeslam and Wallace dropkicks Ragnarok! Just when you think you have him, Wallace has you! Mondonno turns around and sees Ragnarok slumped in the corner! HE charges! Mondonno is hammering Ragnarok!

1!
2!
3!
4!
BR: Wallace with a dropkick to the back! Ragnarok repositions Mondonno and himself … LUCIFUGE! For the cover:
1!
2!
3!
Mondonno is eliminated!

RR: He gave it a tough fight, but he just couldn’t keep it coming … I think Reed’s next … he’s pretty hurt from that “Simply Magnificent!”

BR: Yes, but Ragnarok is focusing on Wallace! A whip and here’s a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker that snaps Wallace around! OUCH! For the cover:

1!
2!
Wallace kicks out.

RR: Reed is up!

BR: And he walks right into a Ragnarok two-handed Choke Slam!

RR: Look at Wallace … he’s a little sparkplug! He’s firing lefts and rights onto the much larger Ragnarok and he’s stunning the big guy!

BR: Wallace off the ropes and a spinwheel kick takes Ragnarok down! Wallace heads to the top … Reed is getting up again … Wallace Missile Dropkick on Reed and he lands with a splash on Ragnarok! What a move! Ragnarok’s shoulders are down!

1!
2!
Ragnarok’s up!

RR: Wallace is full of adrenaline! He’s hammering Ragnarok with repeated kicks to the stomach, and now he grabs the head … He Blinded him with Science again! With a drop kick to Reed to take him down and he scales the top rope again! Ragnarok’s down but Reed is getting up … who should he go for?

BR: Reed dives off the top onto Reed … Reed catches him and whirls him around and down with the DESTRUCTION DRIVER! A michinoku driver #2! For the cover:

1!
2!
3!
Wyatt Wallace is eliminated … and what a great showing he had until then …

RR: We’re down to our final two … Ragnarok and Reed …

BR: both men winded and hit with several finishing moves … Reed grabs Ragnarok and starts hitting the big men with lefts and rights. Here’s a whip into the ropes … Ragnarok reverses and nails a big boot on Reed! Reed is staggered … Ragnarok hooks an arm and puts it through the legs …Pumphandle up and brainbuster down! A Pumphandle Brainbuster! What a move! Ragnarok covers Reed:

1!
2!
Reed kicks out!

RR: I thought Reed may have been playing a little bit of possum, but that move will knock you out! It’s amazing he kicked out …

BR: Ragnarok gets a good hold on Reed and he lifts him by his throat with a two handed choke slam!

RR: He’s used that move multiple times in this match, and it’s always been effective.

BR: Ragnarok is signaling for the end … He’s going to go for the Lucifuge! He’s got Reed on the turnbuckle … He’s going to put him away!

RR: He put Mondonno away with this move …

BR: Ragnarok has Reed up but Reed rolls with it and Ragnarok’s shoulder’s are down!

1!
2!
3
Ragnarok rolls through and now Reed’s shoulders are down!

1!
2!
3
Reed escapes!

Ragnarok with a clothesline but Reed does an armbar takedown! He’s going for the Straightjacket! He’s got it hooked! Ragnarok reaches … and he reaches … and he makes it to the ropes … Reed picks up Ragnarok and here’s a whip to the ropes … no, reversed and Ragnarok grabs Reed for a Powerslam but Reed floats over … waistlock, GERMAN SUPLEX!!! Both men’s shoulders are down!

1!
2!
3!

RR: I think Reed’s shoulder got up!

BR: I think Ragnarok got a shoulder up! Oh no … not another controversial decision … who gets the belt?!

RR: I’ll talk to the referee …

BR: Well, Ragnarok and Reed are both exhausted and staring at the referee who is now conferring with Rich Ramirez … Ramirez takes the mic …

Ladies and Gentlemen, The Winner of the US title 4 Way Elimination Match and NEW United States Champion,

AXEL REED!

BR: Oh wow! Axel Reed comes out of nowhere and gets the US title! There needs to be a straight up match between these two because that end was just too close!

There’s only one match left … and it’s the main event!

Mondonno by Lucifuge, Wallace by Destruction Driver, Reed by German suplex

Main Event

BR: Rich Ramirez, this started out about teacher and student. This started out when Shane Erikson broke away from Marcus Payne and he won the world title on his own on, shall we say, questionable means …

RR: He won it though … that’s what this match has come to. No one wants to give credit to Shane Erikson for his achievements. He beat Marcus Payne twice. He beat Vincent Masters …

BR: But …

RR: There are no buts. Give Shane his credit.

BR: I give him his credit, but …

RR: This is what the match is about … we can argue about it, or we can throw it out there for the world to eat.

BR: Let’s do it then … Here comes the challenger … MARCUS PAYNE!

RR: He looks focused, ready, and cocky. Could this be his night?

BR: It just might be … but I know what you are saying … I’m not going to underestimate The Showstopper tonight …

BR: Payne got a pretty good pop on that intro … well, here comes the champion … SHANE ERIKSON!

RR: To my surprise, and to Payne’s surprise … Shane’s getting a decent pop! This is going to be a magical end to a magical night.

BR: Erikson is in … he and Payne are just staring each other down … the crowd has quieted down … and you can hear the tension between the two …

RR: Listen to the crowd … they’re itching for it …

BR: And they lock up! Erikson takes a side headlock and Payne slides out of it … they’re back to a neutral position …

RR: Payne’s trying to psyche out Erikson …

BR: Payne and Erikson circle each other again … and here’s the lock up … Payne with a side headlock. Erikson pushes Payne back into the ropes and he shoves him off… Payne off the ropes with a shoulderblock and Erikson goes down. Erikson off the ropes and Erikson drops down … Payne over the top and off the far ropes and a lariat from Erikson takes Payne off his feet! Payne turns around receives a kick to the gut! Erikson hooks on a front facelock for DDT but Payne shoves himself out of it and slides out of the ring!

RR: That’s got to be a moral victory for Erikson … he almost had him!

BR: Payne is getting back into the ring slowly, and he and Erikson are now trash talking. They get in each other’s face and this is degenerating … Erikson shoves Payne. Payne slaps Erikson right in the face! Erikson with a kick to the gut! A kick to the back of the knee! A kneelift and a boldfaced slap take Payne off his feet! Payne’s back up and now they’re trading lefts and rights! Payne takes the advantage and HOLY SHIT they’ve tumbled out to the floor!

RR: It’s a knockdown dragout now! Katiebar the door!

BR: Erikson’s in control now, and Payne gets a face full of steel railing! Look out! Payne with an elbow to the gut and here comes Shane to the steel! Payne dumps Erikson over the top of the railing and they are into the crowd! They’re going through the crowd!

RR: They’re going out into left field … toward the Green Monster!

BR: Payne with a body slam onto the hard bluegrass outfield! Payne measures and drops an elbow! He’s got Erikson and here’s a whip into the Green Monster! That can’t feel good! And Payne’s going to do it again!

RR: The Green Monster’s taking a beating!

BR: Here’s the whip but Erikson reverses! Payne hits back first into the Green Monster! Erikson charges! But Payne elevates him with a back body drop into the wall … but Erikson holds on! He bounces off the Green Monster with a DDT that spikes Payne on the warning track!

RR: What a move! Payne is hurt! The Ref is exhorting them to get back towards the ring!

BR: If this were falls count anywhere, Erikson might have had the win right there! Erikson is carrying the hurt Payne back towards the ring. They’re going back through the crowd and now they’re back to the safety rail and Payne fires back! He dumps Erikson over the rail. Erikson gets up and staggers and Payne jumps to the top of the guardrail … MISSILE DROPKICK OFF THE RAILING! Erikson is shot into the ring steps!

RR: Payne landed awkwardly too! He might have landed on the leg hard on the infield!

BR: Payne throws Erikson back into the ring … he hooks Erikson for a vertical suplex … no, he hooks the leg and drops him with a Fishermanbuster! For the win:

1!
2!
Erikson kicks out!

RR: That was close!

BR: Payne lifts him up and here’s a whip into the ropes. Payne with a kick to the gut, no, it’s caught … Insuigiri misses! Erikson wraps the leg around his own and jumps up and drops his knee down on the inside of the knee!

RR: That’s the same knee he shook up on the outside! Erikson took out Vincent Masters’ knee, who says he can’t take out Payne’s?

BR: He drops the knee again into the back of Payne’s knee! That’s got to hurt! Erikson puts the leg down and drops a leg onto the back of Payne’s head! Good move. Erikson goes back to the leg and turns Payne over … he’s drives an elbow drop onto the knee and starts wrenching on the knee! Payne is in … well, pain!

RR: Smart strategy here by Shane, and it’s one we see him execute all too often!

BR: Payne is trying to get at Erikson’s face, but Payne just keeps wrenching on the leg … Payne’s shoulders are down:

1!
2!
Payne’s up …

BR: Erikson lets go of the hold and takes Payne towards the ropes. He puts Payne’s ankle on the bottom rope and drops all his weight down on the knee. It’s brutal.

RR: But it is effective, and he does it again!

BR: Payne is hurting now. Erikson drags Payne back to the center of the ring … Spinning Toe hold but Payne kicks him away! Payne’s getting up and ducks a Shane clothesline he hooks a waistlock but Shane elbows Payne in the head. Shane hooks one arm and here’s a rolling belly to belly that may have taken the breath out of Payne! Payne’s down! Shane is heading to the top rope!

RR: That may be a mistake! Payne is back up, limping and he shakes the ropes … Shane is crotched backwards on the top rope!

BR: Payne hooks Shane from behind and has him in a crucifix position … he drives Shane down with a running Crucifix Powerbomb … he calls it the Fade to Black! Payne is too winded to make a cover … Erikson is starting to get up and Payne goes to the corner and hops onto the second rope … Erikson turns around and here comes Payne with a somersault neckbreaker! THE THORAZINE SHUFFLE! Payne covers:

1!
2!
Erikson kicks out!

RR: What a sensational series of moves by Payne! Erikson is reeling …

BR: Payne grabs Erikson … he sticks Erikson’s arm through his legs … he’s got him Pumphandle but Erikson flips over the top! He’s got him hooked and here’s a German Suplex!

1!
2!
Payne escapes! Payne’s up first and his lariat misses! Erikson clips the knee! Payne is down again! Erikson off the far ropes and here’s a stiff kick right in the mouth of Payne!

RR: OW!

BR: You got that right … Erikson drags Payne’s hurt body to the center of the ring and drives an elbow down onto the knee! Again! He picks up both legs and here’s a stomp to the midsection! Again! And look out … he’s hooking it in the center of the ring! THE SYXX SHOOTER!!!

RR: Payne is in trouble! That hold is brutal! It hurts so many parts of your body!

BR: You can tell! Payne is in dire pain … he’s reaching for the ropes … but they’re so far away! He’s reaching … he’s reaching … but … I think he’s blacking out!

RR: You could be right!

BR: the ref lifts his arm once … it falls

The ref lifts his arm twice … it falls

The ref lifts his arm three times … he’s still in it!

RR: He’s literally crawling every inch! He’s getting closer! He’s getting closer!

BR: But he’s fading again! Erikson is really rearing back with it now!

The ref raises his arm once … it falls

The ref raises his arm twice … it falls

The ref raises his arm a third time … he’s still in it!

RR: Payne doesn’t know how to quit! He’s reaching … he’s reaching … he made it!

BR: I don’t think Erikson can believe it!

RR: But Payne has got to be exhausted! Erikson picks up Marcus Payne and he hooks him in an inverted facelock … he’s going for The End, the Reverse DDT!

BR: He’s got him set but Payne drops down himself! Erikson leans over and Payne fires a knee to the head! Payne surges forward with Erikson still holding on and he runs up the turnbuckle and flips over! Payne drops Erikson with THE END! What a move!

RR: What an amazing thing that was … Payne crawls over and makes the cover:

1!
2!
3
Erikson kicks out!

BR: We’re going to be here all night long I’m afraid …

RR: Payne picks Erikson up … He hooks on a sleeper hold! It could be the prelude for the Silent Lucidity!

BR: Erikson with a few elbows and he escapes! Fullnelson, forward Russian Legsweep! The PAYNE KILLER!

RR: What a move by Erikson! If he can make the cover … he’s still hurt from the reverse DDT he got nailed with …

BR: Shane and Payne are getting up at relatively the same speed … right from Shane … right from Payne … here’s a headbutt from Erikson that puts both men down … Erikson rakes the eyes. He holds onto a side headlock and Payne shrugs him off. Erikson off the ropes and he catches Erikson up Shoulder high! He whips him around and drops him with a diamond cutter! The PAYNEKILLER 2000! Payne goes for the cover for championship glory:

1!
2!
3
ERIKSON KICKS OUT!!!!!!

RR: OH MY GOD!!!!!!

BR: That’s Payne’s move … I can’t believe it. Payne hooks Erikson … head between the legs, both arms butterflied … he has him up and he drives him down with the PAYNEDRIVER ’98! For Championship glory:

1!
2!
Erikson kicks out! Harder this time if I’m right!

RR: Where is Erikson getting this?

BR: Payne makes a ‘that’s it’ signal, and he pulls Erikson to his feet … this is it … the PayneDriver 99 Michinoku Driver … the Fates Warning and Erikson floats over! Payne turns around kick to the gut … THE REVENGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RR: Erikson’s going home a winner! Payne is out cold!

BR: But Shane’s still hurting! He can’t make the cover … he crawls over … slowly … slowly … he gets an arm across …

1!
2!
3
Payne gets a shoulder up!

RR: This is sick! What are they going to have to do to each other to put the other one away!

BR: Shane’s getting to his feet first … he’s signaling for The Revenge again … but he’s pointing at the top rope … he’s going to do a Super Implant DDT!

RR: That might be the only way!

BR: He’s got Payne and he’s putting him on the top turnbuckle … Payne is in trouble … Shane follows and hooks on the front facelock! He jumps … Payne holds onto the top rope and maneuvers Erikson onto his shoulders! He leaps! SUPER PAYNEKILLER 2000! Both men are down!

Mandatory ten count!

1!

2!

3!

4!

5!

6!

7!

8!

9!

9 and a half!

Payne reaches an arm over to cover Erikson!

1!

2!

3!

It’s over! Marcus Payne wins in a classic!

RR: This crowd is drained and so am I. Let’s give credit to Shane Erikson … this has got to be the closest match I’ve ever seen … I don’t think anyone can ever doubt Shane Erikson or Marcus Payne again!

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Winner, and NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, MARCUS PAYNE!

BR: What a moment … hold on … Shane Erikson just snatched the title away from the referee … He hands it to Marcus himself! He holds out his hand … and Marcus accepts it! Payne and Erikson are back together … but they can barely stand after the beating they gave each other!

RR: Look out! It’s JD FREEMAN! He’s got a chair!

BR: He nails Erikson in the back of the head! Payne takes a swing but it’s blocked and Freeman kicks him in the gut … he’s got him up … he’s positioning Payne and he drives him down with a wicked powerbomb onto the chair! He maintains contact! He lifts Payne up again and drives him down! Again! He still holds on! He lifts Payne one more time! TRIPLE POWERBOMB ON THE CHAIR! He grabs the mic:

JD Freeman: I told you Devastation was on the way!

BR: We got to go! We’re out of time! Freeman’s coming this way!

The UWC All-Stars versus the Boston Red Sox, August 24, 1999

2004-12-12T16:22:00.000-08:00

Baseball game!

Bobby Rodriguez: Hello there, sports fans! Today we have a real treat for you. In a 3 inning exhibition game, the United Wrestling Coalition All-Stars will take on the Boston Red Sox! It should be an exciting affair.

Rich Ramirez: No doubt about it, Bobby. It’s going to be real hoot to watch these two just let loose and have some fun.

BR: Let’s look at Boston’s starting line up in the field.

RR: It looks impressive, doesn’t it? Cy Young winner Pedro Martinez takes the mound and he’s almost unhittable.

BR: Yes, but let’s see the Batting Order for the UWC!

Eric Lee Short Stop
Marcus Payne Center Field
Brett Mondonno Second Base
Shane Erikson Third Base
Gabby Ragnarok First Base
Axel Reed Left Field
Dead Ed Designated Hitter
Billy Bob Right Field
Whitney Catcher

RR: As you can see, there’s a lot of power there, but you have to question the inclusion of Dead Ed as the Designated Hitter.

BR: You hope that player – manager Chad Foster knows something we don’t.

RR: Ah, but about Dead Ed, he does, and he reveals it all tonight!

BR: But first, the baseball game.

RR: Eric Lee steps up to bat, but he’ll be facing 97 mph fastballs with impeccable control. I don’t think he stands a chance against Pedro Martinez.

BR: Let’s not forget that Eric Lee in one of his fun personas takes on Axel Reed, a newcomer who has been more than impressive since his debut last week. The winner of that match will go to the US title 4way elimination match.

RR: Lee will have to be on top of his game if he is going to topple Axel Reed.

BR: Martinez shakes off a sign and now has one he likes. He winds up and here’s the first pitch. Lee takes it and it’s strike one.

RR: That was clocked 98 mph. Pedro Martinez’s arm is a gift from God.

BR: There’s no doubt about that. Pedro’s ready and here’s the pitch … swing and a miss.

RR: Lee just couldn’t get around on it. It’s just too fast and too lively.

BR: Martinez is ready again. Here’s the pitch … swing and Lee is gone! The first K of the game for Pedro Martinez.

RR: If Martinez is going to pitch like this, the UWC All-stars don’t have a chance.

BR: Up next is the Man on a mission, Marcus Payne. He challenges Shane Erikson for the UWC World Championship Belt tonight, and if you were at the UWC Fan Forum, you might be under the impression that he already won it.

RR: You could say that; or you could say that Payne himself is under the impression that he already won it.

BR: Martinez shakes off a sign and now he’s ready to go. Here’s the pitch and Payne takes ball one. A breaking ball down and in.

RR: That’s a good eye. Payne is remarkably talented … I wonder if it transfers to baseball as well.

BR: Martinez is ready to go again and here’s the pitch … Payne with a line drive! But it’s caught by a leaping Nomar Garciaparra! Nomar stole that hit away from Marcus Payne!

RR: But let’s give credit: That was a tough pitch from Martinez that Payne was able to get great wood on it. And Nomar had to make a circus catch that 90% of the short stops in the majors could not have made.

BR: Next up with 2 outs is Public Enemy #1, Brett Mondonno. Guess what? The fans hate him here too. He might as well be JD Drew showing up in a Phillies game.

RR: Tonight, Mondonno ends his month-long feud with Billy Bob once and for all. The winner of that match heads to the US title 4way elimination match.

BR: It should be great. Mondonno is ready, and so is Martinez with the pitch. Strike 1.

RR: That was straight down the middle.

BR: Martinez is ready again and here’s the pitch and here’s strike 2 swinging.

RR: Martinez is dominating again.

BR: Here’s the pitch and here’s a ground ball to short … Nomar scoops it up and here’s a perfect throw to Daubach to end the inning.

RR: 3 up, 3 down as Pedro Martinez cruises.

BR: Well, here’s the Red Sox batting order.

Jose Offerman Second Base
Darren Lewis Center field
John Valentin Third Base
Brian Daubach First Base
Nomar Garciaparra Short Stop
Troy O’Leary Left Field
Butch Huskey Designated Hitter
Jason Varitek Catcher
Trot Nixon Right Field

RR: and here’s the alignment in the field for the UWC All-Stars!

BR: Offerman steps in. Foster is getting some signals from Whitney … no, she’s signaling to Brett Mondonno behind Foster!

RR: I’m not sure Foster understands! Here comes the pitch! It’s a wild pitch! What an auspicious way to start the bottom of the inning.

BR: Who’s bright idea was it for Foster to pitch and Whitney catch?

RR: I think we know the answer to that one.

BR: Foster winds up and here’s the next pitch … in the dirt. Ball 2.

RR: This could be a long night. Offerman’s got a good eye and he’s not going to swing at some of the crap Foster’s throwing.

BR: Here’s the next pitch … just a bit outside.

RR: I think Foster is getting mixed signals from Whitney.

BR: Me too …

RR: Here’s the next pitch and Offerman walks on 4 straight balls.

BR: We’ve got a man on, no outs in the 1st. Here comes Darren Lewis.

RR: Let’s hope that Foster can figure out what the hell he’s doing this time.

BR: Here’s the pitch and Lewis hammers a ground ball up the middle! Mondonno can’t get to it and Payne charges and he holds Offerman to second base. Good play by Payne.

RR: It was hit too hard for Mondonno to get it. Well, we’ve got two on, no outs and John Valentin up to bat. He’s got some power, you know.

BR: Foster winds up and he plunks Valentin! I don’t think that was intentional. Well, we’ve got the bases loaded and no outs and Brian Daubach up to bat. The kid is having a sensational year.

RR: Foster gets the signal from Whitney, and here’s the pitch … ball one.

BR: So has Foster even pitched a strike yet?

RR: I don’t think so …

BR: Foster with the wind-up, and here’s the pitch … strike one!

RR: I can’t believe it.

BR: Neither can Daubach. Neither can Foster. Wow.

RR: Well, let’s see if Foster can follow up this milestone with the bases juiced …

BR: Here’s the pitch and Daubach got a pop fly … it’s floating foul over towards third base … and Erikson has it to get the first out of the game.

RR: Hey, it’s a start against a major league team, right?

BR: But it’s only going to get worse; Nomar Garciaparra is up to bat.

RR: Foster looks awfully proud of himself about getting an out … Here’s the pitch … Ball one.

BR: I hope Foster knows better than to get behind the count on Nomar.

RR: Here’s the next pitch and NOMAR GOT ALL OF IT! Back, back, back, back, back way back and they’re not going to get him! GRAND SLAM! Nomar with the Grand Salami to clear the bases.

BR: That’s pretty harsh. Whitney is up to the pitchers mound and hell, the whole infield is huddling with them as Nomar circles the bases.

RR: Hold on, Mondonno just shoved Foster! Foster motions towards the bullpen … but there’s no one warming up!

BR: Out of the bullpen comes … Vicious Vicki! I didn’t know she pitched … I figured she was a catcher like Whitney …

RR: Well, Foster is gone and Vicki is in to pitch … let’s play ball!

BR: This might be interesting with Vicki pitching and Whitney catching … you know that they don’t like each other …

RR: Troy O’Leary up to bat. Vicki is unbuttoning her uniform a little bit … and look … Whitney is talking to O’Leary in Spanish! Here’s the pitch … a swing and a chop foul … he didn’t get very much wood on that.

BR: But he does have plenty of wood out there …

RR: Here’s the next pitch and it’s a slow underhanded toss and O’Leary doesn’t even swing! Strike 2!

BR: Is Whitney touching O’Leary’s leg?

RR: Strike 3! He’s out of there!

BR: Two outs, no one on, 4-0 Red Sox as Butch Huskey takes the plate … He’s trying to concentrate on the ball, but with that buxom blond’s breasts hanging out of her uniform on the mound and the Spanish Seductress squatting right next to him, it might be a bit difficult … here’s the pitch … and he hits a dribbler off the end of the bat …

RR: Why can’t he run? He doesn’t …

BR: Whitney grabs the ball and throws to first. Huskey can barely run and he’s trying to adjust something in his pants … Ragnarok has it and we’re out of the first … two hits, 4 earned runs, no one left for the Red Sox.

RR: IN the Second: Erikson, Ragnarok, and Reed.

BR: Martinez was downright unhittable in the first, but we’ll see how he does here after that long bottom of the inning.

RR: Shane Erikson steps in, the UWC World Champion, and he’s taking on Marcus Payne tonight in the main event. It’ll be the showstopper, definitely.

BR: Pedro winds up, and here’s the pitch … strike one swinging … Erikson was way late on that 97 mph fastball.

RR: It’s not Erikson’s fault. Pedro is incredible.

BR: Pedro winds up and here’s strike 2.

RR: It’s not looking good for the champ. Pedro is just dominating here …

BR: Here’s the pitch … Shane with a line drive over Daubach’s head into right field, heading to the corner! Nixon over to get it and he fires toward second but Shane is in safe with a leadoff double!

RR: What a gutty performance by the champ. Behind in the count, all odds against him and he pulls out a double. What a great at-bat for the Shane Erikson.

BR: Gabby Ragnarok, and he’s arguably the best power hitter on the team. I wonder if Pedro will feed him a steady diet of breaking balls to negate that power or will he challenge him with a fastball.

RR: Ragnarok is in the US Title 4way match, and he’s the favorite since he only has to wrestle once. I also heard he’s going to be helping you and Chad out with the commentary in the qualifier matches.

BR: It’s all true. Martinez with the wind up and here’s a swinging strike 1.

RR: That fastball jammed him high and in. Let’s hope Gabby gets something to hit.

BR: Pedro with the wind up and Gabby nails it! He was a little late on it, but he got some good power behind it … Trot Nixon back, back he got it in deep right field. Erikson tags and heads to third safely!

RR: One out, but Ragnarok advanced the runner, and that’s all you can ask for.

BR: Well, Axel Reed is up with one out and a man on third, and the last two batters have gotten pretty good wood on Pedro Martinez …

RR: That almost sounds gross. I can’t wait until the bottom of the inning when someone gets some good wood on Vicki.

BR: Anymore of that and I think Whiplash may have to beat you. Well, Axel Reed will be taking on Eric Lee, or one of Eric Lee’s personas tonight, and if he wins, he’ll be in the US title elimination match. I have to say that he looked awesome last week.

RR: I agree. This PPV could be Axel Reed’s coming out party.

BR: Martinez with the wind up and here’s a shot from Reed towards the gap! Erikson scores, and Reed circles first. Here’s the throw from Lewis … they got him at second! But a run scores and it’s now 4-1 Red Sox in the top of the second.

RR: Reed should have been content with a single … But it’s an RBI single for Reed, and with 2 outs, we’ve got Dead Ed up to bat … or do we …

BR: Well, the Widow is trying to get Dead Ed into a batting stance, but Dead Ed is his usual languorous self, unable to stand without assistance. Well, the Widow has the man in black propped up on the baseball bat and I guess we’re ready to play ball.

RR: Dead Ed is in the big X-rated Battle Royal tonight, and Chad Foster will reveal his identity also. Who do you think Dead Ed is?

BR: I have no idea … but if it’s such a secret, it better be someone good, huh?

RR: Here’s the pitch and Dead Ed takes one right in the face! No reaction from Ed! He should take first base, but I don’t think he can make it! That 98 mph fastball just bounced off of Ed’s face! Foster is calling for a pinch runner, Daniel Fritz, to take his spot at first base.

BR: Well, as Daniel Fritz heads to First Base, let’s remind you that Fritz is also in the battle royal tonight, and the only rules in that is that there are no rules! Anyone want to show up, that’s fine. Get thrown over the top rope, you’re gone!

BR: Well, this hasn’t been the best inning for Pedro, and it’s going to get worse as his nemesis, Billy Bob steps in. I think everyone remembers the Pedro Martinez-officiated battle between Brett Mondonno and Billy Bob that ended up here, in Fenway Park. Bob had Mondonno tied up in the Hogtie, but Mondonno grabbed first base and Pedro made Billy Bob break the hold. It was one of the more wild nights in UWC history, and well, it was wild. Billy Bob hasn’t forgotten.

RR: Let’s not forget also that tonight is the FINAL match EVER between Billy Bob and Brett Mondonno, and the winner heads to the US Title 4 way …

BR: Billy Bob is talking a whole lot of trash to Pedro … let’s not forget that Martinez is a hot-blooded Dominican player, and I’m not sure he enjoys what Billy Bob has got to say …

RR: Here’s the pitch and he nails Billy Bob in the back! That was intentional! Hey, this is an exhibition game!

BR: Look out! Fritz from First is charging the mound! So is Billy Bob! Billy Bob nails Pedro high and Fritz hits him low from behind! As God as my witness, Pedro Martinez is broken in half!!!

RR: The benches are clearing! You know and I know that the Red Sox don’t stand a chance in a brawl against the UWC!

BR: Look! The Revenge! The PayneKiller! The Lucifuge! Simply Magnificent! The Red Sox are getting decimated! Look! The Poodle has showed up! He’s going after the plate umpire’s leg! This is madness!

RR: There goes the Red Sox’s pennant hopes …

BR: For Rich “Night Stalker” Ramirez, I’m Bobby Rodriguez, and if you want real violence, get the Boston Massacre Pay-per-view tonight!

[And in 3, 2, 1, the screaming face of Pedro Martinez fades out …]

changing on the fly

2004-12-11T22:36:00.000-08:00

One of the major problems with running an e-fed is that people quit on you. A lot. All the time. They think they should've won this match or that match, or, likely, all of them, but that's just not how it works. You will lose, and you'll be challenged to bring it stronger than ever every time. Then again, in my fed, I could had you lose for whatever reason I wanted you to lose for. And then you'd have to rebound from that. One person who didn't agree to the way he was used was Vincent Masters. So I had to "work" an injury for him, so that if he wanted to come back, he could. This sort of thing happened all the time. Even better was when someone would win a title, then quit. Then there'd have to be some tournament or some such thing. Anyway, Vincent Masters was the first, but certainly not the last to suddenly quit in the midst of a storyline.

And, of course, I didn't write every match, and I guess I should have kept better records, because there are a bunch of missing matches. Oh well!

Beyond Reason for August 17, 1999

2004-12-11T22:30:00.000-08:00

8-17-99
BEYOND REASON!

Last Week:
Vincent Masters goes berserk, attacking Brett Mondonno, Billy Bob, Sean Shanoski, Chris Jackson, Gabriel Ragnarok, Marcus Payne and UWC World Champion Shane Erikson. He won the #1 contender’s match. He’s unstoppable. Tonight, he goes for Championship glory against the United Wrestling Coalition World Champion, Shane Showstopper Erikson.

Marcus Payne recovers from his devastating shoulder injury, but cannot prevent Shane Erikson from cheating to win in a tag match. Owner Chad Foster threatens to take away Marcus Payne’s title shot, but the matter will be settled in the ring, tonight. Has Foster bitten off more than he can chew?

Public Enemy #1 Brett Mondonno gained a valet, but was assaulted by Vincent Masters in his feud against Billy Bob. To return the favor, he goes after Masters in the #1 contenders match, but he ends up costing Chris Jackson a win. Tonight, Jackson and Mondonno put it all on the line in a Loser Leaves Town Match.

Plus, an influx of new talent invades the UWC!

Bobby Rodriguez: AND WE ARE LIVE!!!! Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to UWC Beyond Reason!!! We’ve got a great show for you tonight! The World Title is up for grabs as the unstoppable Titan Vincent Masters takes on the devious Shane Erikson for the UWC World Championship. Sean Shanoski takes on Gabriel Ragnarok in a qualifying match for the United States 4way elimination match at Boston Massacre!

Rich Ramirez: Marcus Payne takes on Chad Foster in a “what the hell was Chad thinking” match. Adam McCormick makes his debut against the crazy Eric Lee, who now thinks he’s the boogie man.

Bobby Rodriguez: and we can’t forget the incredible Loser leaves town match between Chris “X-factor” Jackson and “Magnificent” Brett Mondonno, accompanied of course, by the lovely Whitney!

Rich Ramirez: She is a fine female specimen, Bobby! Well, I’ll be doing double duty tonight. Chad Foster won’t be behind the mic tonight, so I’ll be doing the color and the interviews tonight. So if you’ll excuse me, Bobby …

BR: Go right ahead, Night Stalker. Let’s not forget that tonight, the Boston Bruins have been hired as the security force tonight, and as you can see, to my immediate right is the penalty box, and Captain Ray Bourque tells me that anybody that causes any trouble will be put into the penalty box. Up to you, Night Stalker!

RR: Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s welcome a newcomer to the UWC, a man by the name of Axel Reed! Axel Reed, come on down!

BR: And here comes Axel Reed, and he is a most impressive newcomer. Chad Foster himself said that this guy has a bright future ahead of him. Not too sure about this ICP music, but some of the fans in the audience are enjoying it …

RR: Axel Reed, the fans of the UWC await you. What do you have to say?

Reed: I've got a small issue I would like to get off my chest at this time. I still haven't decided who my victim, Or for the politically correct morons out there, I still haven't came to conclusions with who my opponent will be next week. So here I am, stealing some airtime to settle such a minor issue, Needless to say, You can all go fuck yourselves.

Crowd: BOO!

So, President, I know you're somewhere back there. . .I want an opponent at the Pay-per-view next week, I will name the stipulations and the whole 9.

RR: Actually, I think Foster will name the stipulations …

Reed: Shut the fuck up! Just spare me an opponent, Don't make me go hunting for one, Understood? You can consider this an open challenge, Just make sure the opponent you give me is someone worth the effort...

RR: Thank you, Axel Reed. Back to you, Bobby!

BR: Thank you Rich. And let’s get to our first match! Here comes Eric Lee! He’s got the Boogie Man’s soul now, or so he says. Could this be the after effect of his disappearance after his match against Dead Ed?

RR: You know, Bobby, I have a hard time understanding Eric Lee, but I have a harder time understanding Dead Ed.

BR: Me too … have you noticed that Axel Reed hasn’t left the ringside area? Eric Lee is in, and Reed is all over him!

RR: Kicks and stomps and Lee is down! Where’s Adam McCormick?

BR: Here he comes! Adam McCormick is rushing down to the ring for his debut match! Who’s that behind him? That’s Wyatt Wallace!

RR: Wallace with a shot to the back and McCormick is shot into the ring! Reed is all over Lee and Wallace is all over McCormick!

BR: The ref is calling this one a 4 way match! He’s thrown out McCormick and Lee in favor of a 4way dance! Wallace with a slam on McCormick and he bounces off the ropes and drops a legdrop!

RR: And here’s Axel Reed with a whip into the ropes for a powerslam! Reed backs up and into Wallace!

BR: Now Wallace and Reed are trading lefts and rights! Reed takes advantage and whips Wallace into the ropes! Reed ducks for a back body drop but Wallace grabs Reed’s head and he Blinds him with Science! The face buster takes Reed down! Wallace covers:

1!
2!
McCormick breaks the count! He’s getting back at Wallace for jumping him in the back! Wallace and McCormick are trading shots and McCormick takes charge. McCormick whips Wallace into the ropes and he ducks for a back body drop and Wallace takes charge and Blinds him with Science too!

RR: Wallace looks solid out there!

BR: Eric Lee walks up to Wallace and Wallace kicks him in the gut and Lee is Blinded with Science! Wallace is dominating here!

RR: Reed is up … and he spears the hell out of Wallace! What a move!

BR: Reed kicks McCormick in the gut and he hauls him up for a Powerbomb! What impact!

RR: Reed’s going to get Eric Lee too!

BR: Reed has him up but Lee flips over and off the ropes! A spinning heel kick takes Reed out of the ring! Wallace gets up and Lee goes for a spinning heel kick but Wallace ducks and McCormick takes the shot and he goes out of the ring! Wallace is up and a standing dropkick takes Eric Lee out of the ring!

RR: Wyatt Wallace is in control! He’s heading to the top!

BR: McCormick and Reed are brawling on the floor, and Wallace takes aim and here’s a Plancha from the top! All three men are down! Eric Lee is the only survivor of this car crash! He grabs Axel Reed and throws him back into the ring!

RR: This is Eric Lee’s opportunity! Here’s a whip into the ropes and Lee nails a frankensteiner and takes him right down. He drags Reed to the corner … he’s going for the 450! The Zero degrees!

BR: Did Eric Lee slip personalities again? He thinks he’s Zero again! To the top but McCormick is there to knock him down. Lee is crotched on the top! Wyatt Wallace nails McCormick and McCormick falls to the floor! Wallace to the top and he’s going to superplex Eric Lee!

RR: Look out! Reed is up!

BR: Reed nails Wallace in the back and sits Wallace on his shoulders! Lee back on his feet on the top and here’s a flying clothesline! DOOMSDAY DEVICE! Reed covers:

1!
2!
3!
Lee couldn’t get there in time to break up the count! What a debut for Axel Reed, with an assist from Eric Lee!

RR: Look out! They’re brawling again! McCormick and Wallace are tying up now! Here comes Ray Bourque and Jason Allison of the Boston Bruins! They’re separating the four combatants and it looks Like McCormick and Eric Lee are headed to the penalty box! Wallace and Reed are free to go back to the back, but it looks like McCormick and Lee are getting 5 minute majors for fighting!

BR: Well, it’s the UWC, you never know what’s going to happen.

RR: Well, if that wasn’t wild enough for you, I’ve got two words for you: DEAD ED!

BR: Y’know, Chad says he’s got great plans for Dead Ed, but he’s … um … I’ll say it. He’s dead! He shows absolutely no signs of life, all of his interviews on our daily show on Boston cable access 16 have been in total darkness. The man is not alive, and I have no idea why Foster would allow this mockery into our arena.

RR: Well, I don’t think I understand either … hold on! The lights are out! What’s going on?

BR: Where will Dead Ed appear? He did this last week … the lights are back and Dead Ed’s casket is at ringside! The Widow is here as well! I guess it’s time to bring out Billy Bob, Night Stalker!

RR: That’s right, so let’s bring out Billy Bob. Billy Bob will have his final feud-ending match with “Magnificent” Brett Mondonno next week at the PPV, but Mondonno has to get through the loser leaves town match first and Billy Bob has to get through Dead Ed here.

BR: Billy Bob has his pitchfork with him, and he looks like he’s all oiled up and ready to go!

RR: I think that’s sweat.

BR: Billy Bob is in the ring and Dead Ed is still lying in his casket, not moving. I guess it would be too much to ask for Dead Ed to actually move, huh? Hold on, the Widow has slipped in the ring behind Billy Bob!

RR: Billy Bob is poking at Dead Ed in the casket with his pitchfork but …

BR: The widow with a low blow!

RR: DEAD ED IS GETTING UP! HE’S MOVING! HE’S ALIVE! HE’S ALIVE! GOOD GOLLY MISS MOLLY, HE’S ALIVE!!!

BR: I can’t believe my eyes! Billy Bob is reeling from that low blow and Dead Ed has got Billy Bob with a front facelock and he hauls him up into a vertical suplex! He’s up and he drops him into a hangman’s neckbreaker!

RR: That was “Simply Magnificent!” It couldn’t be …

BR: The Widow takes off the veil! It’s Whitney! Dead Ed takes off the mask and it’s Brett Mondonno! What’s going on?! The lights are out again!

RR: Mondonno laid a trap for Billy Bob! And he got Whitney helping him. What a lowlife!

BR: The lights are back on and … Dead Ed is covering Billy Bob? Mondonno is in the aisle and the real Dead Ed is covering Billy Bob!

1!
2!
3!
Dead Ed wins his first match! What a devious plot by Brett Mondonno!

RR: Look out! Billy Bob is realizing what’s happening … He’s got a hold of Dead Ed! And he’s got him in the Hogtie! Ed is lifeless!

BR: Someone’s coming out of the crowd! It’s Whiplash! He’s a newcomer here and he’s got a chair! He nails Billy Bob across the back!

RR: Is Whiplash a friend of Dead Ed? Look out … Vicki and Whitney are in each other’s faces now as The Widow drags Dead Ed back into the casket.

BR: We’ve got a catfight! Vicki and Whitney are all over each other! Mondonno and Whiplash are trying to separate the two foxes!

RR: They’ve got them apart, finally, and Mondonno and Whiplash are not having a friendly staredown here. There’s some heat right here.

BR: Here comes Ray Bourque and Jason Allison and it looks like Whiplash and Vicki are going into the penalty box! 2 minutes for roughing for the Whipper and his valet.

RR: Sounds like things are breaking down!

BR: Who knows what’s next! What is next, Rich?

RR: The BTG, the BesThinGoing, Jamal Jameson! Come on down!

BR: Well, isn’t this a cocky strut coming down the aisle. I think this man would sell his own sweat as an eau de toilette.

Jamal Jameson: I have arrived, I have arrived, Jamal Jameson has arrived! And the BesThinGoing would like to welcome everyone to the Jamal Jameson show directed by Jamal Jameson, produced by Jamal Jameson, and starring Jamal Jameson as the next UWC World Champion!

RR: Are you related to Jenna?

JJ: Now, since Jamal Jameson is without question the most talented athlete in this no name piece of shit fed,

Crowd: BOO!

JJ: not to mention the BesThinGoing in the professional wrestling world as we know it, he has a few questions that have really been bugging him and he would like to get them off his chest right now. You see tonight right here on the Jamal Jameson show there are going to be title matches and #1 contender matches, but the funny thing is that none of them involve the BTG himself Jamal Jameson. Isn't that odd? On his own show Jamal Jameson isn't even in the main event? Hell, he isn't even wrestling! And far be it for me to deprive the wrestling world and all these shitheads out in the crowd of witnessing in person the showcase of talent possessed by the BesThinGoing.

Crowd: BOO!

JJ: So believe me when I say that Jamal Jameson will be on hand for the main event and he could really give a shit who wins, in fact he thinks that they're both lucky the BTG doesn't come down there and shove that belt up their asses.

Crowd: BOO!

JJ: But tonight Jamal Jameson enters the UWC and he will make his presence known right here at Paul Revere, not just because he's the most handsome, not just because he's the most talented, simply because he's the BesThinGoing!

BR: Hold on, a man dressed as a Pink Poodle has scampered out here on all fours … he’s sniffing around the commentary table … This has got to be disrupting the BTG.

JJ: What the hell is this?

BR: Look out the Poodle has found his way into the ring and he’s not … he’s not …

JJ: Rich you better get this thing away from me!

BR: OH MY GOD! THE POODLE JUST PEED ON JAMESON’S LEG! Jameson is irate! Rich is trying to keep Jameson away from the Poodle and Jameson with a right hand that takes the Night Stalker down! The Poodle is long gone and Jameson’s off after the Poodle and he is hot! Are you okay Rich?

RR: I’m okay. I’ve taken my share of right hands to the head, and it hurts for a bit, but I think I’ll be okay. I do think that Jamal Jameson is red hot at that … Poodle!

BR: As much as I don’t understand Dead Ed I understand the Poodle less!

RR: Right with you, Bobby. Who knows what to expect next …

BR: Who knows. The Bruins were so confused by that whole segment that they didn’t even put anyone in the penalty box!

Shanoski v. Ragnarock

RR: Well, it’s time for the first qualifying match for the US Championship 4way elimination match at the PPV next week. Here comes Sean Shanoski.

BR: Shanoski looked so great in last week’s #1 contender’s match. Tonight, we’ll see what he’s got for the shot to take the United States Championship.

RR: Let’s not forget Shanoski’s constant pushing of the rules in his quest to be extreme. But being extreme may not be enough against this man, Gabriel Ragnarok!

BR: The fans love Gabby, and I think that this will be a great match to decide one of our combatants in the fatal fourway match at Boston Massacre.

RR: Ragnarok is Huge! We’ve seen him side-by-side with Marcus Payne, and We’ve seen him in action mainly against Shane Erikson, but this will be a whole new battle with the self-proclaimed extreme icon.

BR: Ragnarok is in the ring, and he and Ragnarok are staring each other down, trying to intimidate the other.

RR: I’m not sure if there’s much intimidation to be had, since it’s got to be hard to intimidate a guy who’s nearly seven feet tall and a guy who enjoys going through tables.

BR: Let’s hope that Shanoski doesn’t go through our table again this week.

RR: I’ll bet you two dollars that Shanoski doesn’t go through our table.

BR: It’s a wager! Ragnarok and Shanoski tie up and Ragnarok throws Shanoski off. Gabby’s got the strength advantage.

RR: There’s no doubt about it, but Shanoski is a fighter! He’ll take it to you no matter how big you are.

BR: Or, as Chad Foster would say, he’s an idiot.

RR: Ragnarok and Shanoski tie up again and Ragnarok ends up with a side headlock. Shanoski pushes him off and Ragnarok levels Shanoski right down with a shoulderblock! Shanoski bounces up and he wants Gabby to do it again!

BR: Here he comes and Shanoski goes down hard again! Shanoski’s back up and he wants Ragnarok to do it again! Off the ropes and here’s a boot to the gut that doubles over Ragnarok and a DDT that takes him to the mat! Shanoski’s not as dumb as he looks!

RR: So you are saying that he looks dumb?

BR: No I’m not! Shanoski off the ropes and he drops a legdrop that misses! Ragnarok back on his feet and he’s letting Shanoski have it with right hands! A whip into the ropes and Ragnarok has got Shanoski up with a choke hold! He’s way up in the sky and Ragnarok drives him down with a two-handed chokeslam! For the win:

1!
2!
Shanoski’s up!

RR: He’s a tough guy!

BR: Shanoski is fighting back on Ragnarok, but Ragnarok will not have it! He slams Shanoski back into the corner and he’s laying in some knee lifts and some elbows that are rocking Shanoski.

RR: Ragnarok pulls Shanoski out of the corner and he whips him into the ropes for a kick into the gut. Waistlock and he’s got him up in the air for a powerbomb! Shanoski is trying to wiggle his way out of it and he does. Shanoski off the ropes and he nails Ragnarok with a flying clothesline that brings the big guy down!

RR: Ragnarok is getting up though!

BR: Shanoski off the ropes again and here’s another flying lariat that again takes Ragnarok down!

RR: Shanoski is heading to the top! This should prove exciting!

BR: Shanoski off the top with a flying clothesline but he’s caught! Ragnarok caught him! Ragnarok is military pressing Shanoski high in the air! He drops him down back first across the knee! That could be all!

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Shanoski kicks out!

RR: We have to give Shanoski points for wrestling a clean match so far, but Ragnarok is taking him out with pure power!

BR: Ragnarok picks up Shanoski and holds his arm and here’s a decapitating short arm clothesline!

RR: Did you see the way Shanoski’s head bounced off the mat? Ragnarok’s going to do it again!

BR: Ragnarok winds up and Shanoski ducks! Go behind, waistlock … GERMAN SUPLEX! Shanoski just dumped Ragnarok on his head!

RR: When have we seen Shanoski work this hard? This is incredible!

BR: Shanoski waits on Ragnarok and he grabs him from behind again. T-Bone Suplex dumps Ragnarok again!

RR: Where does he get the strength?

BR: Shanoski’s headed outside … he’s getting a chair! Look out! He’s going to get himself DQed after doing so well!

RR: the ref is going to let him! He’s pleading with Shanoski to put the chair down!

BR: Shanoski just pushes the ref down! Shanoski winds up over the crouched body of Ragnarok and the ref grabs the chair from behind! Shanoski is pissed off! Here’s a kick to the ref! A DDT on the chair! Two weeks in a row Shanoski has took out the ref!

RR: Ragnarok is up and Shanoski doesn’t know it! He’s got the chair!

BR: Ragnarok brings down the chair like it’s the Hammer of Thor! Shanoski was crushed by that blow!

RR: But … he’s getting up!

BR: Ragnarok hauls off and nails him again, right between the eyes!

RR: Shanoski is still getting up!

BR: Ragnarok with a baseball swing of the chair and Shanoski goes down hard.

RR: I’m a little worried about Shanoski here. What the hell is Ragnarok doing dragging Shanoski to the apron in front of us … he’s not going to … He’s going to do the Lucifuge Face First Powerbomb off the apron to … GET OUT OF THE WAY!

BR: Oh my God! Shanoski is hurt, he’s bleeding, and we don’t have a ref for a DQ, a pinfall, anything. Ragnarok is calmly, sadistically picking Shanoski up and throwing him back into the ring. Ragnarok covers Shanoski, but there’s no referee!

RR: Look! Chad Foster is running out! He’ll be the referee!

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Shanoski kicks out? I guess he had time to recover as Foster ran down the aisle.

BR: What a show of guts here from Shanoski! Ragnarok isn’t showing any emotion right now. Not shock, not surprise, he’s just picking up the limp form of Shanoski and dragging him to the corner. They’re going up to the second rope, and here’s a second Lucifuge Face First Powerbomb off the second rope. Ragnarok rolls him over:

1!
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3!

RR: An impressive win for Gabriel Ragnarok, and an incredible show of guts by Shanoski. Is there anyone who still thinks he’s just the self-proclaimed extreme icon?

BR: Ragnarok goes on to the US Title 4way elimination match at the PPV, but his opponents haven’t been decided yet. We know that one will be either Mondonno or Billy Bob, depending on their cage match at the PPV, and one of the others was supposed to be determined tonight in the Lee / McCormick match. Hold on, Chad Foster has the mic.

Foster: Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d like to say congratulations to Gabriel Ragnarok for becoming the first man to qualify for the US title 4 way match. Now, his opponents: The winner of the Billy Bob / Brett Mondonno cage match at the Boston Massacre gets in. I saw that little impromptu 4 way at the beginning of the card and I have to say that I liked it. Since Eric Lee and Axel Reed were such a team, I thought, hell, let them fight each other. So the other two combatants in the 4 way match will be the winners of Axel Reed v. Eric Lee and Wyatt Wallace v. Adam McCormick. But I’m not done yet. Since we’re having this boom of wrestlers here in the UWC, I decided that I’m going to dangle another championship belt out there, this time in a battle royal. All you new kids that don’t have a match yet, you do now. Win the battle royal, win a belt.

BR: Rich Ramirez is getting in the ring …

RR: Chad, what kind of battle royal? What kind of belt?

CF: Well, Rich, since a lot of the new kids out there are from a place called X-rated, I figure I’ll give them what they want: An X-rated, extreme, come-as-you-are battle royal!

RR: So this is for an extreme title of some kind?

CF: I’m not saying.

RR: A tv title?

CF: Rich, get out of my face. Marcus Payne, tonight, you get yours, and down the road, Vincent Masters, I’ll get my shot at knocking your star right out of the sky.

Crowd: BOO!

Loser leaves town match

BR: Well, folks, here is one of the most important matches we’ve had here in the UWC. This is the loser leaves town match, and here’s why. A long time ago, Vincent Masters and Chris Jackson had a great match, but Brett Mondonno interfered, the end result was a win that Jackson felt he didn’t deserve. Last week, Jackson, Masters and Sean Shanoski had a great match that may have been one of the greatest matches in the history of the UWC, but Mondonno ended up interfering again and he ended up accosting Jackson, leading to Masters roll up win. Jackson is tired of Mondonno’s chicanery, he’s tired of Mondonno’s shenanigans, and he’s damn tired of Mondonno’s mouth. Tonight, only one will continue in the UWC. Only one will survive. Chris “X-factor” Jackson and “Magnificent” Brett Mondonno put their livelihoods on the line. It’s a loser leaves town match, and it’s next!

RR: Here comes the self-proclaimed “Magnificent One” Brett Mondonno with his new valet, Whitney. Damn she’s hot. Did I tell you that she’s a fashion model from Spain?

BR: Yeah yeah … the face of DKNY. Not that I’m tired of looking at her … I’m just sick of hearing you fawn over her. Next thing you know you’ll be breaking into her house, huh Night Stalker?

RR: Very funny, Bobby. Mondonno’s already made his mark tonight, attacking Billy Bob.

BR: Let’s not forget the little catfight skirmish between Whitney and Whiplash’s lady, Vicki … that was … interesting.

RR: It’s almost worth taping and watching again and again in the privacy of your own home!

BR: Here comes that part to the song … “MY NAME IS KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDD!” Ordinarily I hate this song, but right now it means that Brett Mondonno is going to get his ass kicked!

RR: This is a grudge match of epic proportions. Jackson is taking up almost for the entire UWC by taking on Brett Mondonno and his meddling ways.

BR: Mondonno looks distracted in the ring as he and Whitney make eyes at each other, but you can see the determination on the X-factor. This is his night.

RR: There is no doubt that Jackson is pissed off. By all rights, it could have been Jackson taking on Erikson in the Main Event tonight.

BR: Jackson’s in the ring and Mondonno’s still distracting himself with Whitney! Here comes Jackson! He whirls Mondonno around! Right hand! Right hand! He whips Mondonno in to the ropes and here’s a back body drop that puts Mondonno on his back! Standing dropkick by Jackson! Another! Mondonno is reeling! Jackson off the ropes and he clotheslines Mondonno over the top rope and to the floor!

RR: What a series of offensive moves from Chris Jackson! He’s pissed off!

BR: Whitney is trying to console her man, but Mondonno shoves her away as Jackson comes flying over the top rope with a plancha! Mondonno’s down!

RR: Look at Whitney! She whirls Jackson around and slaps him in the face! What a brazen …

BR: Mondonno from behind with a forearm to the back! He throws Jackson back into the ring.

RR: Mondonno will stoop to any low, I think.

BR: Mondonno just kicking and stomping Jackson in the back. He picks him up and here’s a whip into the ropes. Mondonno puts his head down for a back body drop and Jackson hooks him! He’s got both arms butterflied and here’s a pedigree! Jackson maintains contact and hooks a waistlock … POWERBOMB! Mondonno is hurt!

RR: There’s no doubt about it. Jackson is dominating Mondonno!

BR: Jackson off the ropes and Whitney grabs his leg! Jackson glares in her direction, but focuses back on Mondonno. Mondonno rushes forward and hits Jackson low … Stoop to any low, eh Night Stalker?

RR: That’s Brett Mondonno. He’ll do anything!

BR: He throws Jackson out of the ring and look at Whitney! She’s kicking the fallen Jackson!

RR: What an influence Brett Mondonno has had on this fine lady!

BR: Jackson’s back on the apron, and Mondonno is going to suplex him back in … Hold on … it’s blocked!

RR: Jackson is holding onto the middle rope! He’s got Mondonno hooked!

BR: Jackson suplexes Mondonno out of the ring! Mondonno has got to be hurting from this!

RR: So is Jackson though! Thank god they missed our table this time!

BR: Whitney … she’s giving Mondonno mouth-to-mouth! She’s trying to revive him!

RR: Jackson is up and he grabs Mondonno away from Whitney and throws him back in.

BR: Jackson has him set up! He lifts him up and here’s a piledriver! Mondonno is out cold!

RR: This is incredible! Jackson has dominated from the opening bell!

BR: Jackson is not going for the pin! He’s going to X Mondonno out! The vertical suplex-Diamond Cutter combination!

RR: He’s making the sign and the crowd is going absolutely nuts! If he hits this, Mondonno’s career in the UWC is OVER!

BR: Jackson hooks Mondonno in the vertical suplex high over head … and he drops him down with the diamond cutter! Mondonno is out!

RR: Look Whitney’s getting in the ring to save her man!

BR: Jackson is up and he stops Whitney dead in her tracks! They’re eyes meet, and here’s a … a … kiss for Whitney from Jackson!

RR: Jackson is going to vanquish Mondonno and get the girl!

BR: Jackson lays Whitney down on the mat after that breathtaking kiss and now he’s gyrating his hips … an homage to the late great Ravishing Rick Rude!

RR: Look out! Mondonno from behind!

BR: Mondonno rolls up Jackson from behind! Whitney piles on!

1!
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Mondonno wins … Chris Jackson’s has to leave the UWC … Oh crap.

RR: The crowd is booing unmercifully! I mean, I think Whitney got more moves in than Mondonno in that match! Mondonno carries Whitney out of the ring and Jackson is left wondering …

BR: Hold on … the crowd is giving Jackson a great ovation. They appreciate what he’s done in the UWC since he’s been here! Look! All the wrestlers in the back have come out to wish him good luck! There’s Marcus Payne, Gabby Ragnarock, Vincent Masters, Wyatt Wallace, Eric Lee, Billy Bob … even some of the new guys are out applauding Chris Jackson.

RR: Chad Foster has come out with a mic!

CF: Chris “X-factor” Jackson, I speak for all of us when I say that we’re sad to see you go. We know the wrestling biz means a lot to you, and you mean a lot to us, but we know that football season’s coming up, and your team needs a quarterback. So, on behalf of the entire UWC, we wish you good luck. And yeah, this was a loser leaves town match, but always know this, Chris Jackson: You are always welcome to come back after you win the Superbowl. Good luck Chris. We’ll be with you always, and keep in touch, okay?

BR: Will you listen to the crowd! They’re chanting “Jackson, Jackson!” and I can’t blame them. What a nice sendoff for a great competitor. Well, as Jackson takes his final round of applause from the fans and the rest of the wrestlers file to the back … give me your take on the X-factor.

RR: I’ll have to say, that when I first saw him, I didn’t know what to think. When he came away with that win over Sean Shanoski, I have to say that I was impressed. He’s also one of the few guys to hold a pinfall over Vincent Masters, no matter how it happened. Also, he’s just an incredible person once you get to know him. He will be missed.

Payne v. Foster

BR: Well, it’s time for Chad Foster to get his. He’s run his mouth all week, and now he gets his chance to prove what he’s saying is true against Marcus Payne, and, well, if Foster makes it out of this match alive, it’ll be more than we would have thought! Here comes the man from Michigan, Marcus Payne!

RR: Will you listen to the ovation for Marcus Payne? They love him here in Boston!

BR: Marcus Payne looks like a million bucks! Look out from behind! Chad Foster has a chair! He nails Payne from behind! Payne is down! Foster winds up and he nails Payne again! And again! Foster nails Payne four times with the chair! Foster looks ready to go! He’s dragging Payne all the way to the ring! He throws him back in and now he’s really getting into it! Here’s a kick right into the rib cage! Another one!

RR: Payne is hurt by this onslaught! Can he get up? Will Foster prove himself right by this ... this ... from behind ... attack?!

BR: Foster hauls Payne up onto his shoulders! He’s going for the WildDriver ’99!

RR: Payne wiggles out of it!

BR: But Foster is behind him and he nails a lowblow that takes Payne back to the mat. Foster rolls out of the ring and he grabs another chair! This is wrong! The referee isn’t stopping Foster either! He nails Payne across the head! This is it! He rolls Payne over! This is it!

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Payne kicks out with force!

RR: Where is Payne getting this resolve?

BR: Foster whips Payne across the ring and Payne flies off the ropes with a kick to the gut. He stuffs Foster’s head between his legs and hooks both arms! He lifts up and spins and drives him down with the PayneDriver ’98! Last year’s move! The spinning pedigree and Foster is out of it!

RR: Payne is just getting started too!

BR: Payne lifts up Foster into a crucifix powerbomb! He gets a running start and he drives Foster through the ring! What a move!

RR: Payne with the Fade to Black! Payne is as limp as Dead Ed!

BR: Foster is brought to his feet again by Marcus Payne and he hooks on a full nelson and drives Foster down with a Reverse Russian Legsweep! The PayneKiller!

RR: I think Foster may have learned his lesson now.

BR: Payne’s not done! The crowd is chanting for it! They’re saying “99!” They want the PayneDriver ’99! The Fates Warning!

RR: Foster can barely stand! The force of the Michinoku Driver #2 could just wipe him out!

BR: Payne whips Foster into the ropes and he catches him in a tilt-a-whirl and drives him down with the Fates Warning! The PayneDriver ’99! He places one foot on the chest of Chad Foster:

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Payne wins in dominating fashion! Foster had a gameplan, but it wasn’t enough! Look out whoever is the World Champion! There’s a serious challenger at Boston Massacre!

RR: Marcus Payne has proven all his detractors wrong tonight. Who can stop him now?

Main Event
BR: Well folks, it’s the moment you’ve been waiting for. Vincent Masters has a path of destruction some feds have never seen. He’s laid out almost everyone he’s been in the ring with. Last weeks #1 contenders match has been called one of the best matches they’ve seen. He’s taken out so many men, but now is his time for championship glory. Can he make the leap from middle of the pack to Champion? This is his first high stakes match, and we’ll see how well he stands up to the pressure.

RR: Bobby, this is the proverbial irresistible force versus the immovable object. Many have decried Shane Erikson to be a paper champion, but no one has made a dent in him just yet, and Vincent Masters, as you said, has been unstoppable. What will happen?

BR: All I know is that after that shellacking at the hands of Marcus Payne, I think it’s safe to say that Chad Foster won’t be here to try and stop Masters from taking his spot in history.

RR: We can talk about it, or we can have the match! Here comes Vincent Masters, the mountain of a man that checks in at over 7 feet tall and well over 300 lbs. His Chaos Bringer has taken so many wrestlers out it’s unthinkable.

BR: He stands in the ring, eyes focused on the entry way as the UWC World Champion, the Showstopper Shane Erikson makes his way out to ringside. “Ain’t it Fun?”

RR: It certainly is fun when you see wrestlers of these two’s magnitude collide in the center of the ring. This should be an incredible fight.

BR: Erikson has slid into the ring and will you look at the staredown between these two men. It’s personal. We better batten down the hatches and katybar the door. It’s going to be a knockdown dragout, if you know what I mean.

RR: They’re getting into each other’s face. They’re talking trash.

BR: Look! Jamal Jameson has come out to watch! He looks like he’s not impressed. He’s got a sign with him … “These guys suck.” He sits down in the aisle … he looks very non-plussed.

RR: Well, he’s got opinions …

BR: Let’s get this party started! Erikson with a kick to the gut, and a right to the face. Another knee to the gut and now a double axehandle to the back! A knee lift and Masters is staggered! Erikson isn’t stopping and here’s a kick to the gut. He hooks a front facelock but Masters launches him off!

RR: Erikson looks shocked.

BR: Erikson is just getting to know the power of Vincent Masters! They hook up in the center of the ring with a collar and elbow tieup. Masters hooks on a side headlock and Erikson pushes him off. Off the ropes and Masters takes Erikson down with a shoulder block. Masters off the ropes again and Erikson drops down. Masters over and Erikson catches him with a drop toehold! Erikson floats over and hooks another front facelock and holds on for dear life as Masters picks him up again!

RR: You can see Erikson trying to wrestle this behemoth! If you remember, Marcus Payne did that successfully in the World Title Tourney!

BR: Yes, but Erikson is launched again by Masters, and again Erikson is down on his ass looking up at Vincent Masters.

RR: I think this is still a feelling out process.

BR: Erikson to the eyes! And a kick to the gut. Erikson backs Masters into a corner and here’s a chop! And another one! Uh oh, Masters isn’t feeling it! Erikson back to the eyes! He climbs up on the second rope and here’s some punches! Let’s count along!

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Masters throws Erikson off! Here comes Erikson but Masters lariats him down hard! Erikson is up again and Masters scoops him up with ease! He gets a running start and plants Erikson with a running powerslam! What a move!

1!
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Erikson’s up.

RR: Jameson is not impressed at all. He looks like he smells something.

BR: I have no idea why he’s here.

RR: Erikson is in trouble though from that powerslam!

BR: Masters picks up Erikson and here’s a whip into the ropes and here’s a big boot that takes Erikson off his feet. Off the ropes, Masters drops a leg drop that nails Erikson! For the win:

1!
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Erikson is up.

RR: How much punishment can Erikson take?

BR: Masters picks Erikson up and he hooks both of his arms. Rolling Belly-to-belly Suplex and Erikson has got to be reeling! Erikson is slowly getting to his feet … here comes Masters with a running lariat but Erikson ducks and Masters spills to the outside!

RR: That was a nasty spill and Erikson is going to take advantage!

BR: Erikson to the floor and he’s delivering rights and lefts and kicks to the fallen Masters. Masters is trying to get up but he can’t. Erikson takes Masters to the steel steps! Now to the guard rail!

RR: Look out … the Poodle is behind Jamal Jameson and the BTG doesn’t know it! Not again! The Poodle has urinated on Jamal Jameson twice in one night!

BR: Jameson is going to kill the Poodle! He chases him off!

RR: Bobby, I think Masters is favoring that knee after the spill!

BR: Well, in the last two weeks, his opponents have been teeing off on that left knee. Masters is starting to fire back lefts and rights into Erikson’s stomach, but Shane gouges the eyes. He rolls Masters back into the ring and now he’s really going to work!

RR: Masters is really trying to get to his feet but Erikson is measuring him with those vicious right hands to the face. Erikson delivers a boot directly to the face of Masters and Master falls to his back!

BR: This onslaught is something else from the champ. Look out … now he’s going for the knee …

RR: Erikson has got the leg draped across the rope and he crashes down on it. He’s going to do it again!

BR: When you’re that tall, you are usually more susceptible to knee injuries than other people. Erikson drops an elbow and Masters is in pain. Erikson is all over Masters and now he’s dragging him to the ring post! Erikson grabs Masters’ leg and he wraps it around the post! He’s going to do it again … no, Masters kicks him off and Erikson hits the guard rail hard! Masters is trying to get to his feet, but his leg has been so damaged!

RR: Erikson is going up to the top rope!

BR: Masters is on his feet but he stumbles … right into the ropes! Erikson is crotched on the top turnbuckle! Masters on his feet and he climbs up to the top! It’s going to be a SUPERPLEX!!!

RR: Both men are down from the impact!

BR: The ref is counting the mandatory ten count!

1!
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3!
4!
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6!
Both men are up to their knees … and Brett Mondonno is coming down to the ring!

RR: What’s he doing here? He’s trying to get into the ring but the ref is trying to stop him!

BR: Look out! Masters has him by the throat and he drags him into the ring! Shane Erikson has Mondonno from behind! THE END!

RR: Mondonno’s head just bounced like a basketball! Erikson throws Mondonno toward Masters and here’s a SWORD OF DAMOCLES! Mondonno is out!

BR: Whitney’s arrived and she’s dragging Mondonno out of the ring. Masters and Erikson look at each other and Erikson offers a handshake?

RR: Well, they did a good job together, didn’t they?

BR: They shake and they both go for left hand shots at the same time! Both men are stunned, and Erikson throws a wild right! He’s caught! SWORD OF DAMOCLES for the World Champion! Masters covers him! For the World title:

1!
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3
ERIKSON KICKS OUT!

RR: What a stunning display!

BR: Masters can sense it … he’s going to the top rope! He’s going for a top rope clothesline … one of his premiere moves … he’s waiting on Erikson to turn around and here it comes! He flies off and he nails Erikson with a flying clothesline!

RR: Hold on! Masters is holding his leg! What happened? The doc is on his way to ringside almost immediately!

BR: Erikson shakes off the effects of that clothesline and gingerly applies the SyxxShooter! The ref is calling for the bell immediately!

RR: Shane Erikson retains the title, but I think Masters is in trouble!

BR: The Doc is in the ring checking on Masters! Rich, you better get in there quick!

RR: What happened? Oh dear …

BR: What is it Rich?

RR: A compound fracture of the leg. A freak accident! Masters may be out of action for a while!

BR: Oh my god. Well, hey, we’ve got a Pay Per View next week! Shane Erikson v. Marcus Payne for the World Title! Plus a US title match, Plus an extreme battle royal! Billy Bob v. Mondonno for the last time! We’re out of here! Say a prayer for Vincent Masters!