The Dead Ed Project Day Two

September 2, 1999, 2:57 A.M.

[And there’s some frantic rushing about … it’s dark … we’re inside a tent and Foster, Melissa and presumably Mike the Cameraman are all a bit frantic. In the distance, there’s something making quite a racket …]

Melissa: Hello?! Is there somebody out there?

[More noise … it sounds like someone is breaking twigs or something …]

Mike: Melissa, don’t go out there. You don’t know what kind of psychos are out there. There might be lunatics right out of Deliverance trying to scare us. Get back inside Melissa!

[More noise … ]

Melissa: HELLOOOOOOOOOOO?!
Mike: Where’s Chad?

Melissa: Oh my god. I don’t know … CHAD! CHAD! WHERE ARE YOU!

Mike: Melissa, hold on …

[Mike takes the camera back into the tent and finds a lump shivering ensconced in a sleeping bag. He pulls back the covers and Chad is whimpering and covering his face with his hands]

Chad: Are the bad people … gone?

[More noise]

Chad: ZOINKS!

[he quickly pulls the covers back over his head.]

Melissa: What time is it?

Mike: 3 A.M.

Melissa: Oh god …what kind of sicko does this to fuck with us?

Mike: I don’t know … it’s probably just some backwoods hicks like Billy Bob playing tricks on us … I don’t think we have anything to worry about …

Melissa: You don’t think we have anything to worry about?! Are you crazy?

Mike: Maybe, but I’m guessing it’s just some hick teenagers. Let’s stop giving them attention by freaking out and just go back to bed …

Melissa: … you’re probably right …

Mike: C’mon, there ain’t nothing to worry about. We’ll uplink in the morning and Dirk will know what’s happening to us and send someone to save us.

[Melissa sighs and huddles close to Mike, the camera once again focusing on her bosom as we fade to an endoftransmission …]

September 2, 1999, 7:02 A.M.

[It’s morning … Mike and Melissa are up, Foster still hiding underneath the covers of the tent. There are three rock piles outside the tent, inexplicably.]

Melissa: What the fuck is this? What the fuck is this?!

Mike: Maybe we just didn’t notice it before …

Melissa: Bullfuckingshit! There’s something or someone out to get us!

Mike: It’s just a coincidence … they’re just piles of rocks!

Melissa: And how did they get here! We’re screwed! We’re not only lost in the woods in who knows where, we’re not only cold, we’re not only hungry, but now someone is really fucking with our minds!

[Foster stumbles out of the tent …]

Foster: I’d like my coffee now Melissa …

Melissa: YOU FUCKING BASTARD!

[She gets a running start and spears him back into the tent, unloading lefts and rights onto the poor guy.]

Mike: Melissa! Stop! Get off of him … There’s no reason to freak out like this!

Foster: What did I do?

Melissa: Look at these! Where do you suppose these rock piles came from?

Foster: Um, you put them there?

[Melissa decks Foster and knocks him to the ground … again.]

Mike: Okay kids … let’s get camp packed up and let’s get the hell out of here … You know which way to go, right Chad?

Foster [holding his jaw]: Yeah, I think I know which way to go …

Melissa: We’re screwed …

Foster: [under his breath] Stupid whiny bitch …

Mike: Okay, I’m going to uplink while you guys pack up the tent and all our stuff … NO FIGHTING!

[Mike turns the camera on himself]

Mike: Dirk, we really need your help. I hope you have it in your heart to call the authorities and get us some help out here. We’re counting on ya, man.

[And he hits stop … and it’s all over but the screaming …]


September 2, 1999, 5:27 P.M.

[And Foster, Melissa and Mike, who is still holding the camera, are hiking in the woods in an indeterminate direction. Foster is in the lead, walking stick in hand, bravely leading the way. Behind, Melissa lags behind, weighed down a bit by the cumbersome backpack that might be taller than she is. And behind the camera, Mike is laboring, not only with the camera, but also with his own backpack and the satellite uplink equipment. Poor guy.]

Melissa: ARE WE THERE YET?!

Foster: Hey, there’s no reason to yell.

Melissa: Can we take a break? My feet are killing me!

Foster: Yes, I guess. I don’t think we’re far now.

Melissa: Really? Civilization is only a few miles away?

Foster: no, I mean, I think we’re doing good.

Melissa: What do you mean we’re doing good? That’s not even grammatically correct!

Foster: Well, then, we’re doing well.

Melissa: What is that supposed to mean? Are we closer to being saved or not?

Foster: It depends on your definition of “being saved.”

Melissa: We’re still lost aren’t we? Damn you.

Foster: Damn me? If you hadn’t jumped on me in the car, we wouldn’t have crashed!

Melissa: Yeah, but whose retarded ass forgot to fill the damn car up?

Foster: Oh give it a rest.

Melissa: You give it a rest you … you … you … wanker!

Foster: Wanker? That’s the best you can do?

[Melissa gets up and kicks Foster right in the chest spilling him over a log … unfortunately, it completely throws off her center of balance and the large backpack brings her crashing down. Mike helps Melissa up as Foster tries to right himself.]

Mike: Come on you two. There’s no reason to fight.

Melissa: But …

Mike: Not another word …

Foster: But …

Mike: you too.

[silence]

Mike: Where the hell are we … and what’s up with these trees?

[he pans up … and among the branches are …almost stick figure-like twigs. Head, arms, and legs and a little stick body … almost as if someone left them here to find …]

September 2, 1999, 6:47 P.M.

[And it’s … Rich Ramirez? He’s in Burkittsville Square, and he looks like he’s ready to speak … ]

RR: Hi folks. This is Rich Ramirez and I’m here to help find out the truth. I saw the tapes, and maybe Dirk Ryan doesn’t want to help, but I will.

I’ve notified the authorities, but they seem unconcerned. So, it looks like I’ll be doing my own investigating. I’m here in Burkittsville to find out about Dead Ed and what happened to Foster, Melissa and Mike the cameraman.

[An elderly man walks by]

Excuse me, sir? Have you heard of the legend of Dead Ed?

[he stops, thinks, and then replies.]

Man: Well, that’s the first I head that name in a long time. It seems that a long time ago, a while back, there was this guy, and he was this real evil dude. There were rumors of … you know, that Satanism stuff.

RR: I see.

Man: and the next thing you know, there’s rumors of that … you know, animal sacrifice and stuff like that, and then this girl starts shacking up with him … all sorts of bad stuff. That wasn’t too bad, until people started disappearing.

RR: People started disappearing?

Man: Yeah … and everyone knew that he did it, so one night, the people torched his house, where this Walmart now stands. Supposedly, he was in it. The girl he was shacking up with, well, she took off into the woods, never to be seen again.

RR: So that was it?

Man: not even close … People kept disappearing … without a trace. Their homes empty, often with the TV still on or something like that. No evidence, no nothing.

RR: But everyone knew who was behind it.

Man: Exactly. So they sent an angry mob into the woods to find him, and no one returned …

RR: This is incredible. What about the rumors that he’s been visiting a Boston independent wrestling promotion?

Man: I heard about that … it’s frightening … people started disappearing after he came into contact with them, right?

RR: Yes … first Eric Lee, and then Billy Bob … and now Chad Foster, Melissa and Mike …

Man: What happened to them?

RR: They went to find him … and now they’re missing in the woods …

Man: They’re as good as dead.

RR: Oh my god …

Man: Pray for their souls.

RR: Thank you … oh my …

[and as Richard Ramirez stands in shock, we fade out in 3, 2, 1]


September 2, 1999, 8:03 P.M.

Melissa: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE DON’T HAVE ANY FOOD?

Foster: Didn’t you pack it?

Melissa: Are you telling me we left all our food at the campsite?

Mike: That can’t be possible …

Foster: I swear, I saw you two packing it!

Mike: I didn’t …

Melissa: Oh, now you’re blaming it on me!

Foster: Well, if I didn’t pack it and Mike didn’t pack it, who should have done it?

Melissa: Well screw you Foster, it’s your fault we’re in this mess …

Foster: Y’know, I saw some stuff I saw that looked edible … You guys set up camp and I’ll go see what I can find for dinner … maybe some berries or something.

Mike: Be careful Chad, it’ll be dark soon.

Foster: Shut up! Light a fire so I can find you guys if it gets too dark …

[Foster leaves, eyes on the ground the whole time surveying for something edible]

Mike: I hope he doesn’t get lost …

Melissa: Screw him. We’re better off without him.

Mike: I guess we should set the camera on and set up camp. This is as good a spot as any.

Melissa: Aren’t you going to uplink?

Mike: in a bit. I want to show the world how we set up camp … I just think it belongs on this tape …

Melissa: I mean … aren’t you going to uplink me?

Mike: *gulp*

[The camera is set down as Mike and Melissa approach each other, lips meeting despite the dirt, despite the sweat, despite the despair, despite the obvious wrong of the situation. Who knows when either will ever do anything like this again … She tugs on Mike’s shirt, his hands tracing the outline of her spine … He backs away, taking his shirt off as Melissa removes her tank top to reveal a pretty pink bra … and Mike pushes the camera away …]

[the woods are quiet, except for …]

[YES!]

[Oh yeah … right there …]

[You like it?]

[Harder!]

[We’re almost there! We’re almost there!]

[YES!]

[Chad Foster returns, his eyes transfixed on something past the camera. He’s got an assortment of things gathered in his shirt, and he seems shocked. He picks up the camera and turns it around to reveal …]

[Mike and Melissa have set up the tent perfectly!]

[He’s not wearing a shirt and she’s wearing his.]

Foster: That’s beautiful. Too bad you guys forgot to start a fire.

Melissa: Oh, we started a fire …

Foster: Well, dinner’s served. Mike, take the camera.

[and Mike grabs the camera from Foster as Foster reveals the assortment of berries, mushrooms and assorted other edible looking goodies.]

Mike: Let’s chow!

Foster: Isn’t there a shirt you can wear?

Mike: Yeah, can you hand me my backpack?

Foster: Sure …

Melissa [Eating a berry]: This is good … where’d you find it?

Foster: Not too far away …

Mike [sampling a mushroom]: This is great! I used to eat shrooms like this back in the day!

Foster: Easy Mike, we might have to save some of these …

[Foster eats a berry]

Melissa: I see you worked up an appetite, Mike … had enough of those mushrooms?

Mike: I’m just starving and these shrooms are just hitting the spot …

Foster: Well, it’s getting dark … let’s do the uplink and hope someone finds us …

[and with the purr of the stop button, we are treated to an endoftransmission..]